I've hit rock bottom.. at 15. what now?

[Mojofilter]

Tonight I finally realized that ive hit rock bottom.. my life is pretty much rock bottom anyways but this time its bad. It all started out when i was 11 and took pills from my dads pill bottles, benzos and amphetamines mostly. It all gotworse from there, i had a hallucinogens/dissociatives phase which really messed with my already schizoid mind. In the past year, ive done "bennies" 3 or 4 times a week. They are pretty muxh cotton rods soaked with a drug very similar to meth.

Anyways, it sucked every time i did it. It was a cheap buzz and a comedown from hell. Since i got caught up in that ive been to the psych ward 4 times sincd july, which did nothing at all to help me. Ive been to an IOP program twice, not my thing.

I know i can get out of tgis pit without help from bottom of the barrel clinicians who throw antipsychotics and ssris in my face. But im 15, and my parents and the hospital ultimately decide what happens to me.

I did bennies yesterday, and i almost dies from the vasoconstriction and tachycardia. But the messed up thing is, i was used to almost dying, becausd i came very close to death 3 or 4 times a week.

I'm also very cynical and schizoid, lack the emotions thst most other "mentally ill" people my age have. I just take out all my feelings on my parents, my wall, my door, my knuckles, because it all translates to an extreme hatred of existence.

So, anyone relate? I know my post is scrambled becausd ive been up for 2 days and im typing on my phone at 3am

[Zeke]

Alright. I'm going to assume that you are suffering from severe depression of some sort, and need to escape from this which is why you reverted to drugs. I'm not going to tell you drugs are bad, as you and I already know that.

The reason why I think your "schizoid" is that you've been suffering from depression for so long that you are now emotionless, or neutral if you would like to put it that way.

Throwing medication at you is actually worse in my opinion as its a temporary fix, not a permanent.

Alright, honestly, we need to get rid of that "i feel like crap, I'm going to pop a pill now" type of behavior. Its not and not good for your health. You and I both know that. From what you stated you take multiple types of drugs, not just one, which proves to me that you don't have an addiction to these kind of things which is good!! Alright I'm going to give you another escape, a healthy one, one that will take out the anger in you, make you feel better about yourself, and generally just a very good escape to what you're feeling right now.

Alright. I want you too, whenever you feel like you NEED a drug because you feel so down, I want you to lift some weights. Yep!! Weight lifting! You're going to release so much of this negative energy out on your body on weights, that you'll be to exhausted to punch any more walls or hurt your parents anymore. Great, now that exercise is helping you out and making you healthy we need to get rid of this depressive behavior.

In order to get rid of this depressive behavior I first need to know whats causing you it. Is it your family? If not then is it a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem? If so why are you feeling like that?

I want to know some of the answers to above if you don't mind. If its too personal I understand, but I would like to help you, and if it makes you feel better then you can private message me and we can talk.

Please for the mean time, no more drugs or near death experiences. I'll help you through this all. I promise! Take care :)

[Hyper]

Sorry for my ignorance.

What is an IOP program?

And what kind of hospitalisation did you go through? There's still a lot of bullshit outdated views in psychiatry so experiences with different hospitals/psychiatrist can differ greatly.