1_21Guns
April 21st, 2014, 05:37 PM
POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING & -there is cursing in this post-
I completed a series of therapy sessions to overcome my past, and for the most part, that's gone, memories don't hurt me any more, even ones I didn't cover in the sessions are just memories now. I still occasionally think of other ways I could've/should've responded to situations, but I guess that's 'normal'. Yet it appears that's no longer the cause of my misery, once again I'm driving myself crazy to try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me now. I've spent the last 11 years doing that, thought I'd got to the bottom of it, but no, apparently not.
It appears my history with struggling with my image is still well rooted in my mind, a couple of days ago I very nearly convinced myself to stop eating again. It's hard because in one of my 'worst' years, I felt confident, I felt happier, I was practically crazy, but I'd accepted it, I was throwing my food away instead of eating it, but I felt okay, good almost. Of course thinking about it, my diet had nothing to do with how I felt that summer, previously it had made me nothing more than miserable, just as it did after that summer, but something changed that summer, something was different, and I just don't know what it was. I'm falling all over myself trying to get back to a version of me that doesn't exist any more. I'm worse than a chameleon in terms of how I change, sometimes over a day, a month, a year, past versions of me are just scattered around every where.
Now every time I'm sad I've wanted to OD on my meds, which on a side note I haven't been taking, did for quite some time, felt no different on them so I gave up in the end, it was just something else to remember or do, still feel no different off them. On top of that my body has been going crazy for weeks, nausea at night, hot and cold sweats, shaking, headaches, sudden mood changes, I've taken two pregnancy tests out of sheer paranoia and that's not it, should be going to the doctors tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of that, but I'll probably just get a lecture about not taking my meds.
I'm a little bit lost I suppose, I'm supposed to be better, I'm supposed to be improving, and yes, apparently I'm within the recovery zone now, but I don't feel it.. on paper when I think about it yes I'm improving, but I'm not... I'm not at all, I've become so in love and attached to this cloud of depression I've been lugging around for years my head constantly finds ways to keep hold of it. I've been told you can't just be that way for so long you get stuck that way, but I'm starting to think I'm some freak exception to that one.
Maybe it's because I don't know what happy, or normal is. I have no memory of it, no clue at all of when my thoughts weren't shadowed by one thing or another. It's like trying to have an emotion I don't know, one I've lost.
It's straining everything, my relationship, my ability to socialise. Once again I'm staring down the barrel of my own gun, and in some twisted sick way, I like it, I'm comfortable this way, I don't want to let go because letting go is scary. On another note I had my tarot cards read yesterday - scarily accurate, and the only way I'll be happy is to let go of whatever it is, but I can't even figure out what that is.. it's not the past any more, it's just the aura of depression itself I suppose. I can't let go of it, I want to but I don't at the same time. Everyones looking at me like I'm supposed to know what to do, what the matter is, well I don't have a clue. I spent years searching for answers, I don't want to be that person any more after it almost killed me but yet again I'll have to just to get past this stupid illness. I have this underlying urge to just submit to it all, just let myself lose it all together, just to let go of all this pressure, the shards of myself I'm so desperately trying to cling together, but no, I can't do that. I'm lost, I've lost myself, I've lost what it is I'm fighting for, because I don't remember what it feels like. My mind and body are a battleground, and y'know what, maybe I don't want to win.
Maybe I'm just done with all this shit, maybe I'm done with everyones shitty expectations of me, like I HAVE to be something, I HAVE to be someone, well maybe, just for one day I don't fucking want to. I want to be by myself for a full 24 hours, I don't want anyone pestering or patronising me about what's wrong now, or if I'm okay. No I'm not fucking okay, and that's okay. There's a disgusting stigma in society that it's wrong to feel, it's wrong to be hurt, it's wrong to be sad, well fuck that. I'm not ashamed that I've had a mental illness, I know people that have been in hospital, and nobody should be ashamed of that, nobody should feel like they have to hide being human, and yet society tries to push us down like we're the weaker ones. I don't think we are, we're human just like the person that looks at someone with a mental illness with disgust. We don't ask for this, we don't ask for any of it, we got dealt shit cards, but that's okay. Everyone spends their time telling us it'll get better, maybe they just just tell us it's okay to be sad, it doesn't make us bad people. I just don't know any more, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on. I'll get there. Eventually. I'll cope. I always have.
I completed a series of therapy sessions to overcome my past, and for the most part, that's gone, memories don't hurt me any more, even ones I didn't cover in the sessions are just memories now. I still occasionally think of other ways I could've/should've responded to situations, but I guess that's 'normal'. Yet it appears that's no longer the cause of my misery, once again I'm driving myself crazy to try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me now. I've spent the last 11 years doing that, thought I'd got to the bottom of it, but no, apparently not.
It appears my history with struggling with my image is still well rooted in my mind, a couple of days ago I very nearly convinced myself to stop eating again. It's hard because in one of my 'worst' years, I felt confident, I felt happier, I was practically crazy, but I'd accepted it, I was throwing my food away instead of eating it, but I felt okay, good almost. Of course thinking about it, my diet had nothing to do with how I felt that summer, previously it had made me nothing more than miserable, just as it did after that summer, but something changed that summer, something was different, and I just don't know what it was. I'm falling all over myself trying to get back to a version of me that doesn't exist any more. I'm worse than a chameleon in terms of how I change, sometimes over a day, a month, a year, past versions of me are just scattered around every where.
Now every time I'm sad I've wanted to OD on my meds, which on a side note I haven't been taking, did for quite some time, felt no different on them so I gave up in the end, it was just something else to remember or do, still feel no different off them. On top of that my body has been going crazy for weeks, nausea at night, hot and cold sweats, shaking, headaches, sudden mood changes, I've taken two pregnancy tests out of sheer paranoia and that's not it, should be going to the doctors tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of that, but I'll probably just get a lecture about not taking my meds.
I'm a little bit lost I suppose, I'm supposed to be better, I'm supposed to be improving, and yes, apparently I'm within the recovery zone now, but I don't feel it.. on paper when I think about it yes I'm improving, but I'm not... I'm not at all, I've become so in love and attached to this cloud of depression I've been lugging around for years my head constantly finds ways to keep hold of it. I've been told you can't just be that way for so long you get stuck that way, but I'm starting to think I'm some freak exception to that one.
Maybe it's because I don't know what happy, or normal is. I have no memory of it, no clue at all of when my thoughts weren't shadowed by one thing or another. It's like trying to have an emotion I don't know, one I've lost.
It's straining everything, my relationship, my ability to socialise. Once again I'm staring down the barrel of my own gun, and in some twisted sick way, I like it, I'm comfortable this way, I don't want to let go because letting go is scary. On another note I had my tarot cards read yesterday - scarily accurate, and the only way I'll be happy is to let go of whatever it is, but I can't even figure out what that is.. it's not the past any more, it's just the aura of depression itself I suppose. I can't let go of it, I want to but I don't at the same time. Everyones looking at me like I'm supposed to know what to do, what the matter is, well I don't have a clue. I spent years searching for answers, I don't want to be that person any more after it almost killed me but yet again I'll have to just to get past this stupid illness. I have this underlying urge to just submit to it all, just let myself lose it all together, just to let go of all this pressure, the shards of myself I'm so desperately trying to cling together, but no, I can't do that. I'm lost, I've lost myself, I've lost what it is I'm fighting for, because I don't remember what it feels like. My mind and body are a battleground, and y'know what, maybe I don't want to win.
Maybe I'm just done with all this shit, maybe I'm done with everyones shitty expectations of me, like I HAVE to be something, I HAVE to be someone, well maybe, just for one day I don't fucking want to. I want to be by myself for a full 24 hours, I don't want anyone pestering or patronising me about what's wrong now, or if I'm okay. No I'm not fucking okay, and that's okay. There's a disgusting stigma in society that it's wrong to feel, it's wrong to be hurt, it's wrong to be sad, well fuck that. I'm not ashamed that I've had a mental illness, I know people that have been in hospital, and nobody should be ashamed of that, nobody should feel like they have to hide being human, and yet society tries to push us down like we're the weaker ones. I don't think we are, we're human just like the person that looks at someone with a mental illness with disgust. We don't ask for this, we don't ask for any of it, we got dealt shit cards, but that's okay. Everyone spends their time telling us it'll get better, maybe they just just tell us it's okay to be sad, it doesn't make us bad people. I just don't know any more, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on. I'll get there. Eventually. I'll cope. I always have.