What did I do?

[the_hope_house]

I really like this guy, however this guy has a few social problems. I met him in boarding school for the arts. I played jazz saxophone and he played jazz piano. That's how we met. Well, I decided to go up to him and talk, since I liked him so much. It was his personality that I liked. He was so serious, like me, about what he wanted to do with his life, and that made me interested. He seemed happy and organized, the guy that I thought would be ok to get involved with. One day he snapped at me for no reason and then the next he was all happy again. This confused me, so I asked him about it. He told me I asked too many questions and left. So then I started asking people about him, figuring that maybe they knew more about him than I did. Most of them said that he was moody and mean, and the others said that he was nice. Most of the people didn't know him, however. One of my friends said that he had a hard, hard time in his life before Interlochen. My friend told me that he was born in Bulgaria and then moved to America at the age of 10, at the same time his parents divorced. He had to live with his alcoholic mother, who beated him up and probably mentally abused him. I figured that was the reason why he never talked to girls and he was so moody. He also drank alcohol, but not as much as his mother. One day I couldn't take it anymore and I told him how I felt about him. He kept saying "No, no, No!" as if I had insulted him. This really made me feel less than an inch tall. He told me he didn't have time for me and couldn't do anything with me because I was, according to him, "a distraction" to him and his jazz. I wish he could've told me that he didn't like me. That would've made it a lot easier, but he didn't. I told him he didn't HAVE to like me, and that it weas ok for him to tell me how he felt. But he never told me. A few months after that he needed a place to stay in Miami before he went to the university here. I lived in Miami and agreed to help him. He arrived on the plane in Miami a week ago now, and I've been confused ever since. He only stayed at my house for two days, but I talked to him a lot before he left to the dorms at the University of Miami. Being that it was about 9 months since I talked to him about how he felt about me and that he never told me the truth, I asked him carefully late one night after everyone in my house went to bed and it was just us. He seemed irritated at the very menchine of it, but I had to know. I wanted to know where I stood with him, you know, if I ever had a chance. Then he said "I don't know". I suggested to him that he might be afraid of women, and he said "when I was younger, I was nervous. But now I know that if I agree to do anything with someone, the physical aspect of that relationship will take over and the significance of the person will dissapear." I told him that you don't have to have sex to be in a relationship. I told him that I was old fashioned and that I wouldn't just go and have sex as if I was saying hello, so he had nothing to worry about. Sometimes I think he's using that as an excuse. However he told me that he'd rather wait until the right time...but I wasn't talking about SEX, I was talking about LOVE!!!!!! He didn't seem to get it. What did I do? Is it me? Is it him?!

[Elokyn]

"when I was younger, I was nervous. But now I know that if I agree to do anything with someone, the physical aspect of that relationship will take over and the significance of the person will dissapear."

oh wow....that line almost made me cry..how old is this guy??

It sounds to me like he wanted to just focus on himself....he didnt want to have to worry about a relationship.
Now it seems like he's thought about it....maybe he's scared.....ever consider his mom sexual abused him?? I've heard that people who have been sexual abused (and coming from someone that has) find it hard or scary to be close to someone..they relate every situation to sex and what might happen.
Just keep talking to him....don't pressure him though..dont mention it everytime you see him (that is if you see him very often)
It's not you..it's not him.....you need to give it time

[the_hope_house]

I was sexually abused too, but I don't know why he's that way and I'm the way I am

thanks

[the_hope_house]

oh yeah and he's 19. Im 18

[Elokyn]

some people take to it different...some people it hardly effects and some people it will effect them for the rest of their lives

[ScotsGirl]

I totally agree with that statement^^

Anyway, im sorry things arent going so well :( ...but it sounds as if this guy has alot of troubles/things on his mind...if i were you i wouldnt believe everything you hear, you say youve talked to others and they have said this or this....maybe give him the benefit of doubt before you believe the things that other ppl say :wink:

Also, you asked him for an answer about whether or not you had a chance with him and he gave you one

Then he said "I don't know".

I know thats probably not the answer you wanted to hear, however, its an answer and looking at the situation as you described it, it seems honest enough. It seems as if he likes you(he has never denied it which shows that there must be some feelings) but something is holding him back, whether there are things with his family or maybe trust issues, im not sure, but some kind of conflict within himself....i mean, this statement...
"when I was younger, I was nervous. But now I know that if I agree to do anything with someone, the physical aspect of that relationship will take over and the significance of the person will dissapear."
...there is usually a reason for people to act the way they do, our body has a number of defense mechanisms (im sure thats the name :? ) they are kind of self-protecting instincts, if that makes sense...so when something happens, we learn to cope by minimising the pain we feel, we learn strategies which although allow us to deal with things in the short term, in the long term can make getting close to people or trusting people more difficult ...maybe you could talk to him about his past, maybe open up about your past (if you havent already done so) let him see that he can trust you etc....
As Nykole said though, whatever you do, dont pressure him...and dont blame yourself, its no one's fault, these things just take time...

I really hope things work out alright :(

xxx

[I like Music]

Well put :smile:

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[nwshc]

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