severely depressed, at a loss

[olliegirl13211]

So this is probably going to be a long post, I have quite a lot to get out. And trigger warning for talking about suicide in paragraph 3.

I guess I should start with where my depression started, February 4th, 2021. I was on facetime with my boyfriend when we got into an argument and he decided to break up with me. That's the moment when I felt like my life had crumbled up right in front of me. He told me that he just wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship so it was over. I have been heartbroken ever since and it only got worse. Less than a month after he had broken my heart he went out with a new girl that he met on Yubo, and they're now dating. It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I miss him so much, like more than I thought I could miss a person and he is literally always on my mind. To make matters worse, I'm back in school and I'm going to have to see him in class next week and I'm also sick over that. We haven't talked in about a week. But every week he texts me at least once and it wrecks me every time. I'm miserable and heartbroken, I want him back so badly but not only did he say he never wants to get back together, but he has a new girlfriend. I mean I feel so worthless, how could he just replace me like that after almost three years of us together. Anyway, that event absolutely wrecked my mental health and my therapist has deemed me as severely depressed.

On to the next topic, college. I am 18, a senior in high school and of course, I'm going to college in the fall. But I cannot choose where to go, which is unfortunate considering decision day was on May 1st. My parents are split on where they want me to go, and because of that, I have no idea where I want to go either. I told one school I couldn't attend and now my mom is pissed at my dad because she thinks it's his fault. So now I feel guilty about not going there when I made that decision because it was just too expensive and the loans were too much. Now when he gets home from work I just know there's going to be a blowout argument and I still have no idea where I want to go. And now at this point, I don't want to do anything at all.

Which I guess brings me to the suicide portion of this post. I'm feeling more suicidal than I ever have. A few weeks back I wrote three suicide notes, one for my parents, one for my sister, and one for my ex, who I'm definitely still in love with. I never thought that I would follow through with something like that, but I'm just so heartbroken, and lost, and confused, and miserable. I've tried hanging out with friends, meeting new people, drawing, singing, doing things I enjoy but nothing feels the same. I'm so scared for my future but so indifferent about it at the same time. I don't care about myself or what happens to me. I just wish I could go to bed and never wake up. I have a therapist but it's honestly just been me ranting about my ex-boyfriend and how much I miss him for an hour.

I guess I'm making this post just to get everything out. Comments and advice are welcome and definitely needed at this point. I'm at a loss. I just wish things were the way I wanted. I wish I knew concretely what I wanted, I wish my boy still loved me and wanted me, and I wish I didn't want to die. Please, give me any advice you have, I need it. Thank you for taking the time to read this and listen to my ramblings, I think my friends and family have gotten tired of it.

[BJade]

I'm not sure I can give you any great advice, I've kinda felt like that (just wishing I didn't wake up) at times

With your college dilemma, you could try sitting down with your parents, and drawing up a chart of the positives and negatives of the possible college's. Might help you get a better idea, and all express your opinions, and hopefully all be on the same page. But remember it's your future, if its some where or something you don't want to do, and wouldn't enjoy, it probably wouldn't work out or be good for you, no matter how much people say it's a good idea

Not sure I can be much help on boys (I still have feelings for my ex) but if he treated you like that, he doesn't deserve a nice girl like you. And spending time with friends, and doing stuff you love will hopefully help. Still gonna be times you break down in tears, and honestly best you do just let them out. And hopefully someone there put an arm round you and make you smile. Might even someday be a cute guy, who cares and deserves your love

[willj090]

This is normal, I’ve gone through this before, including the “not being able to enjoy anything anymore” part. It sucks but you will get over him. You might not believe it but just hang on and you’ll see. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen.
Is the therapy helping? If not, you should respectfully tell your therapist so they can adjust.

[HighVamp913]

Not gonna sugar coat it. No-one knows if it gets better, but you in the future. I do know that the feelings subside, and get easier to handle. If that is better- then that is better.
The feelings about the ex will subside too. Granted you will still think about him from time-to-time but your feelings won't be as ""raw"". They will be easier to manage.
If the therapist helps then keep her. If not, tell her the sessions aren't beneficial.
Hope to hear from you and how you're doing:)Goodluck:)
(P.S. I'm not a therapist)

[BlackParadePixie]

Your life is not over. Shit happens and you learn to deal with it. Yes, breaking up with someone like that is horrible, but if he was truly unhappy...is it fair for you to keep him in a toxic relationship like that? You might think you're hopelessly in love with him, but you'll forget about him when the next guy comes along.

[Uniquemind]

This sounds hard, and I’ll be honest too, you aren’t alone 2019-2021, has been a hard year on many people.

But let’s break down these different issues one by one, and avoid mentally lumping all the stressors into one giant mental-emotional obstacle that feels crushing.

With the right strategies, it can be manageable and even advantageous.

The breakup is going to take time to heal, the average mourning period is about 6 months to adjust to the change and freedom of being single from being in a relationship; which if we’re honest has it’s own commitments and restrictions at times.

The best advice I can do is to give yourself space, but stay busy and productive with other life goals or things or hobbies you liked way before you even started the relationship that just ended. Regressing to an old stuffed animal, losing yourself in a good book, focusing on schoolwork, can help. It won’t take away all the hurt, but it might numb it while also adding value to other aspects of your life in an unobjectionable way.


The college stuff isn’t too big a deal, in fact with student loan rates going up a full percentage point, it might be wise for you to look at jobs first, save $, stay busy, or at least the next year.

Community college is also an option, cheaper, and it allows you to transfer to a 4-year school much later on, while giving yourself time to explore academic-career interests.

Hope my advice helped you. Be well!

[Eivor]

That’s all so hard and stressful, I’d be so crushed by all that
I hope you’ve got some supportive friends

[Yijing Huang]

I hope the best for you. I don't know what to say but I feel so sad for you. Please stay strong!