Stuck with my life goal and need to succeed

[MatveiBehnke]

I am 15 with autism, I love my life goal and want to study in Russia, but the problem is, I keep overthinking and I feel its going to kill my life and my goals, but I have no choice cause I am stuck with it and I know if I fail there is no second try at life, I either succeed with my goals or do something really stupid with my life.

I have a tutor who comes every two days a week for Russian and I know if I fail I will let her and everyone in my family down, I will fail at my future and play video games for the rest of my life till my parents die if I don't succeed at my goal too.

I know I am not lazy and always afraid to fail at my life goal, I feel like Russian is the only way I will study in Russia and become a translator, I tried killing myself once for it and would again, I don't have any second chances in life.

Every time I see a post online about an autistic person who is depressed or struggling, its always about failure and living with their parents, this makes me feel afraid to lose my goals.

I overthink everything because of stuff I did in the past that I am afraid would interfere with my goals, I am too embarrassed to admit the stuff I did because people would think badly about my goals.

I feel there is no second chance, I will have a feeling of emptiness and extreme disappointment in myself if I lose my goal, and my life would be flushed down the toilet, it would prove I can't do anything if I tried.

I don't want to go back to my life of being a video game addict, I feel like Russian really changed how I viewed life and how succeeding is very important, I am very competitive person.

This is the end of my depressive rant, I hope you can give me some advice or commentary.

[BJade]

While I don't think feeling suicidal is good, I think that you know what problems can be, and dont want that to happen to you, use that as motivation, so instead of seeing it so much as failing, use it as motivation when you feel tired and like giving up, to go I'm not going to fail, I can do this. And maybe try looking at successful stories of autism to inspire you, and try using small goals, so instead of just your overall goal, give yourself praise for small parts like learning a set of vocabulary and giving yourself a little reward like a sweet or something

Another idea is if you like video games, maybe try playing it in Russian when possible, set language spoken to Russian while the subtitle are in English (or the other way around) so you can practice and learn in a fun way, and learn the more casual conversational language

Hope this can help :)

[Blueisthecolour1]

If you stick at it you will not fail, if it is your life goal then you will succeed and make a success of it I’m sure your tutor and parents feel the same and fully support you in your life goal