Boyfriend cuts himself

[alliancerules]

I found this site looking for help on self harm and thought it might be the right place for people to understand.

My boyfriend cuts himself bad and I mean bad, he has cuts over both of his arms.

Im scared I will do or say something that will make him go and cut himself and itd be my fault.

im worried if I broke up with him he would kill himself.

He has cuts on his wrists do you think that means hes trying to kill himself?

Its not easy to find another gay guy and I don't want to loose him.

How can I help him and try and get him to stop.

I don't know if I can handle this.

[FullyAlive]

Cutting on his wrists doesn't mean he wants to kill himself, it's a fairly common place to cut easily accessible etc but it is a fairly dangerous place depending on how deep he cuts.

You can't be in a relationship where you're scared to say certain things in case he cuts himself it's not fair on you, yes he needs support but not to the point where you're worried about what you do. The best thing to do is to sit him down and tell him how you're feeling about this and get him to try and talk to you. Then ask him if he's looking to stop because some people aren't. Some are perfectly happy with using self harm as a method of relief and aren't hoping to change and if he's one of these and if you're not sure you can handle that it might be better for you in the long run if you walk away. But if he is trying to stop then there's loads of things you can do to help you can ask him to text or call you when he thinks he's going to cut, you can go with him to a doctor to get him some help, you can just be there as motivation to stop.

But first things first you and him need to have a serious chat. :hug:

[lawliett]

Finding out someone you care about is self harming must be a shock if you don't know much about it, its not always a suicide thing, in fact sometimes the opposite, if someone is cutting to cope with something then it means they are trying to find a way of living.
Ive been cutting for years and to be honest I don't want to stop,ive had help with my problems and cutting is my way of helping myself, its very hard for others to understand why someone wont stop.
If you care enough about him and want to stay with him its worth trying to talk to him about it and see if he would like you to help him,but if it really is too difficult for you to be with him then you have to look after yourself as well as worring about him and always trying not to upset him could make you unwell.
id still like someone to want to be with me even though I cut myself but I do understand that I could be causing a lot of stress to him.
you cant make him stop,he has to do that himself but there is help if he is willing to accept it.

[Melman]

If you don't feel comfortable with it talk to an adult, a parent or the like.
Comfort him, make him feel proud of who he is, don't be afraid to talk to him about it. Personally I know what its like and it means the world if there's someone there with you to help you through it.

[NeuroTiger]

He is frustrated...try to know what's bothering him ;)

[Cloud_Strife]

Hi alliancerules,

Sorry to hear about that. I guess the main question would be to find the underlying reason for why he is doing so, rather than just focusing upon the cutting in itself.

Self harming through cutting is actually one means of releasing emotions. The act of injury also leads to chemical release which helps one cope with the pain and damage to tissue. One of these is endorphins, which besides acting as an analgesic, can also induce pleasurable feelings by acting on receptors within the brain.

He has cuts on his wrists do you think that means hes trying to kill himself?

The fact that he is doing it in a fairly visible area, like the wrists, as opposed to less visible areas like the thigh, for instance, probably means that he doesn't mind people knowing that it is happening. If anything, it sounds like he is seeking attention of others in aiding him in whatever is triggering him to do this.

Research actually suggests that many people who do intend to commit suicide do indicate their intentions in some way or another beforehand. This might be through behaviour which is not normal for them, including even things like joking about dying, or asking about topics surrounding death. Regardless of how harmless it sounds, it is always best to take these ideas seriously until otherwise proven.

Im scared I will do or say something that will make him go and cut himself and itd be my fault.

Approaching tactfully or sensitively towards the topic of self harm most certainly helps. There are many people who worry that asking if someone wishes to commit suicide or not may plant or seed that idea into their heads. This is actually not true. When approached sensibly, currently no research support the claim of increasing that person's risk of committing suicide. I would suggest the involvement of those who are more senior, more experienced and trusted by your boyfriend; if he does indeed exhibit ideations about wishing to self-harm. Most teachers or counsellors in the school setting would be able to help.

I don't know if I can handle this.
The next point I wanted to address, was that you seemed to lack confidence in your self with being able to help with solving the problem. Have faith. If you two are involved in a relationship with each other, it accounts for something. There is mutual trust. There sounds like there is a lot of uncertainty and lack of knowledge about the underlying problems leading to this self-harm. Speak to him about it and find out what's wrong. Once you do, you'll be better equipped to work out what's wrong. You can then judge as to whether you can handle it yourself with him, or whether you need to involve someone else in fixing the problem.

Hope that helps. Keep us posted on how it goes?

[alliancerules]

Thanks for all your replies, its helped a lot to get some advice from people who understand this, because I don't.

I asked him if he wanted to talk to me about it and if I can do anything to help him, he was angry and upset when I mentioned it but I think he was embarrassed maybe, he wouldn't answer and of my texts for a few days, I was really worried he was hurting himself worse because I asked him about it.

He did talk to me eventually about things but I don't think he's going to stop doing it, I said we could go to a teacher etc. because he wont talk to his parents about it, I cant understand why he does not want to stop it, his arms are a mess he cant want to look like that.

He said he's not sure why he does it but it just helps him sometimes but I think he isn't telling me the real reason, it sounds weird to me, I cant make sense of it.

I've said to call me when he feels like he's going to do it but he said nothing so I don't think he will.

I think he must be really ill, I've no idea how I can help him, I'm trying hard.

[Chrisscotland]

Just leave him alone, he obviously does not want to talk about it, why do you think people hide hurting themselves from people, its because they don't want them to know and they don't want to talk about it, he will come to you if he want you to help, just leave him alone.

[laurakitty]

Try n find out why he does it then see if you can make the problem better x

[Cloud_Strife]

He said he's not sure why he does it but it just helps him sometimes but I think he isn't telling me the real reason, it sounds weird to me, I cant make sense of it.

I've said to call me when he feels like he's going to do it but he said nothing so I don't think he will.

I think he must be really ill, I've no idea how I can help him, I'm trying hard.

You are already doing a great job, firstly by showing that you are interested and secondly, by offering to make yourself available as needed. Sometimes there are moments where we just won't be ready to open up about certain things. Give him a bit of time.

It sounds like he has kept a lot of it to himself for a while. The fact that he has at least told you a bit about it, and that he was at least willing to discuss it at all is already a promising thing.

Don't smother him too much with questions and remain calm about it. One comes across more approachable that way and he'll reveal more with time when he is ready. Keep an eye on him and if he continues to look like he isn't improving or is worsening, consider approaching one of the above people I mentioned and see how it goes.

Keep us posted!