Venting, don't know what to do

[IrishJez]

I don't know exactly how this forum works, so forgive any errors in the format of this post.
To begin, I'm Jez. I'm 18, Irish, and a fucking mess. My life is an utter fucking travesty. I'm depressed, addicted to drugs, I cut myself, I feel miserable and bored all the time, and I always have a feeling of impending dread.

I'm possibly bisexual, I think about killing myself all the time, I'm fat, ugly and lonely all the fucking time.
The one thing I had was this girl that I fucking liked, and I told my stupid fucking friend who told her. And now she knows. What the fuck do I do? She hates me. My dad hits me, he hates me, and he's never around

Posts merged -Bluebyrd

[Natacha]

Hello Jez. Welcome to VT. I for myself is fortunate not to know much about your situation, but there are som really nice and wise members in here, whom I'm sure will be ready to help you anyway they can. You've come to the right place :-)

And how can you be sure, she hates you, for liking her?

[IrishJez]

I have ADHD, and I can't concentrate on things even if I'm absolutely enthralled with them. My hopes of a law degree are fucking gone, partially because of COVID, mostly because of my idiocy and crippling procrastination. The things that I used to love bore me. I can't write anymore, not poems, lyrics, novels. Nothing. I'm so scared and bored all the time. The only things that make it better are drugs and hurting myself. And thinking about a girl that fucking hates me

Hello Jez. Welcome to VT. I for myself is fortunate not to know much about your situation, but there are som really nice and wise members in here, whom I'm sure will be ready to help you anyway they can. You've come to the right place :-)

And how can you be sure, she hates you, for liking her?

She never opens my snaps, and when her friend found out she laughed. I disgust her. But thanks for the message, man.

Posts merged -Bluebyrd

[Natacha]

She never opens my snaps, and when her friend found out she laughed. I disgust her. But thanks for the message, man.

I know it's not easy to choose your feelings, but it sounds like she is not worth liking.

[IrishJez]

I just feel hopeless. I'm sorry if this was a mess, I just need to get this out to someone. I feel bad for doing this to my friends, because I know they care, but I'm just a burden to them in all honesty. And I'm so fucking drained all the time because I'm like the group therapist. I help everyone with their problems on nights out or over discord. I give give give give and I have nothing left to give. I just want to end this bullshit

I know it's not easy to choose your feelings, but it sounds like she is not worth liking.
I know , but she is nice. Shes really nice to everyone, she can't help it if I repulse her

Posts merged -Bluebyrd

[Anneki]

Velcome to VT James... you have reached out and that is a good start :-) There are really nice people in here who might also know that or much worse situation from them selves. But it is important that you have professional assistance besides VT. I agree with Natacha that girl doesn't sound very nice for real...nobody should laugh at somebody who likes them and care about them. So take a break from her you are worth much more.
A law degree is not everything... there is so much more out there, so don't focus on that. What a boring world if everybody were lawyers. No food, no clothes...we would all be naked and hungry lawyers. But drugs are not the solution they are more problems.
You are a good person. Maybe you could use that for some volunteering, club, play music or something when you are over this crisis... you will be :-)

[IrishJez]

Velcome to VT James... you have reached out and that is a good start :-) There are really nice people in here who might also know that or much worse situation from them selves. But it is important that you have professional assistance besides VT. I agree with Natacha that girl doesn't sound very nice for real...nobody should laugh at somebody who likes them and care about them. So take a break from her you are worth much more.
A law degree is not everything... there is so much more out there, so don't focus on that. What a boring world if everybody were lawyers. No food, no clothes...we would all be naked and hungry lawyers. But drugs are not the solution they are more problems.
You are a good person. Maybe you could use that for some volunteering, club, play music or something when you are over this crisis... you will be :-)
It wasn't her that laughed, it was her friend. And I've wanted to do Law for years, I know I'm more than capable. But any intelligence I have is wasted on me. I didn't work and I can't get in.
Thanks for the response man, I'm just in a really shitty place right now, and I don't know that I could get professional help anyhow. I was in my room a week ago and I was feeling really shit, I took some stuff and I was just thinking about how nothing excites me anymore, and how horrific a life like that would be.

Then I realised that has been my life since I was fucking 15. I don't remember the last time I was happy without an act, or excited without a drug. I don't know wtf is wrong with me, and I can't let my parents find out how bad it is. Especially not my dad

If I was to get professional help they would know. Besides, I don't even know if it would help.

Posts merged, use the edit button next time, and feel better :) - SouthernDude

[Anneki]

I'm sorry that I misunderstood who laughed... but no matter what nobody should laugh at anyones feelings. Get over them, you are to good for people who hurt your feelings. If you know you can do law you're a smart guy too! You can either keep trying og find something else... often people end in places they didn't know and really love.
Everybody ends up in shitty places from time to time. Where do you think all the sad songs come from :-)
But if the whole is to deep and you keep digging by acting and taking drugs I can see that you need help to get up so you can get going yourself again.
It sounds way more easy than it is but help is only part of the solution the other part is you.
To be honest if you try to meet new people and feel bad about yourself, take drugs... they will get scared in the first place. So get away from that and start doing something you like, go to a gym, hike build up again. A lot of people with ADHD use their energy to do sports fx.
And forget about being bi as a problem, i'm bi or more than bi and love the opportunities it gives. You will find that a lot of others here on VT are bi too.

[Bluebyrd]

Don't worry about how your format your post. There's no set way. Just avoid double posting by using the 'edit' button if you have something to add and no one has replied since your last post.

There’s a lot going on here. Firstly, I know it’s easier said than done, but try and get off the drugs. They’re a short-term high that only make you feel worse when you don’t have them. That’s how addiction starts. There might not be much joy in your life without drugs now but if you become a lifelong addict, you’ll never have any true joy.

I can’t relate to your self harm experiences, but if you could look at it from an outsider’s perspective, you’d see that there really is no good that can come for it. If you want to achieve something, try and stop. You can use our non-self-harm calendar here (https://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=226903&page=126) to track your achievements.

I know how you feel, not having the motivation to do stuff you used to. I’ve recently come out of quite a lengthy period of being like that. In the meantime, I picked up some new hobbies. If for no other reason, try new stuff to take your mind off the boredom.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time inside. I know it might seem pointless, and maybe daunting, but try and get outside. I spend a lot of time by myself alone in the park, walking round or sitting by the lake. I find it very peaceful and it takes away a lot of negative thoughts.

I can’t tell if your bisexuality is a cause of your depression from what you said, but just know that it’s really not important. It’s just a preference like any other.

Don’t get too down about your appearance. I truly believe there is someone for everyone because there are times where I seriously question how anyone can like me when I feel shit in myself. But I’ve got an amazing boyfriend who loves me. It may not feel like it but there will be someone out there for you. Honestly, it’s probably not the girl you like right now but there are billions more people in the world. There’s bound to be someone who you meet naturally, get along with and are attracted to. It may not be in the immediate future but that’s a good thing. Focus on yourself for now.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. You should really report him, but I understand you may be scared and feel as if that would worsen the situation. If you’re in a situation where you can move out, do that. Otherwise, I’m not sure what else you can do but try to avoid him as much as possible. One day, hopefully soon, you won’t have to deal with him.

What’s the situation with your law degree? Have you already started it and can’t continue, applied and been rejected, applied and not heard back, or something else? In any case, it’s not the end. You can always try again.

Believe me, there will be a time when you feel better and you’ll look back on where you are now and be glad that you didn’t throw away everything that you’ve got.

[IrishJez]

I'm sorry that I misunderstood who laughed... but no matter what nobody should laugh at anyones feelings. Get over them, you are to good for people who hurt your feelings. If you know you can do law you're a smart guy too! You can either keep trying og find something else... often people end in places they didn't know and really love.
Everybody ends up in shitty places from time to time. Where do you think all the sad songs come from :-)
But if the whole is to deep and you keep digging by acting and taking drugs I can see that you need help to get up so you can get going yourself again.
It sounds way more easy than it is but help is only part of the solution the other part is you.
To be honest if you try to meet new people and feel bad about yourself, take drugs... they will get scared in the first place. So get away from that and start doing something you like, go to a gym, hike build up again. A lot of people with ADHD use their energy to do sports fx.
And forget about being bi as a problem, i'm bi or more than bi and love the opportunities it gives. You will find that a lot of others here on VT are bi too.
Thanks a lot, I know that I need to try and get myself going, but for some reason I really don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm just tired all day and I want it to stop. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to lose weight, so there's that. And you're right about people being pushed away by the stuff I do. I know I need to try and fix all this, thanks.

Don't worry about how your format your post. There's no set way. Just avoid double posting by using the 'edit' button if you have something to add and no one has replied since your last post.

There’s a lot going on here. Firstly, I know it’s easier said than done, but try and get off the drugs. They’re a short-term high that only make you feel worse when you don’t have them. That’s how addiction starts. There might not be much joy in your life without drugs now but if you become a lifelong addict, you’ll never have any true joy.

I can’t relate to your self harm experiences, but if you could look at it from an outsider’s perspective, you’d see that there really is no good that can come for it. If you want to achieve something, try and stop. You can use our non-self-harm calendar here (https://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=226903&page=126) to track your achievements.

I know how you feel, not having the motivation to do stuff you used to. I’ve recently come out of quite a lengthy period of being like that. In the meantime, I picked up some new hobbies. If for no other reason, try new stuff to take your mind off the boredom.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time inside. I know it might seem pointless, and maybe daunting, but try and get outside. I spend a lot of time by myself alone in the park, walking round or sitting by the lake. I find it very peaceful and it takes away a lot of negative thoughts.

I can’t tell if your bisexuality is a cause of your depression from what you said, but just know that it’s really not important. It’s just a preference like any other.

Don’t get too down about your appearance. I truly believe there is someone for everyone because there are times where I seriously question how anyone can like me when I feel shit in myself. But I’ve got an amazing boyfriend who loves me. It may not feel like it but there will be someone out there for you. Honestly, it’s probably not the girl you like right now but there are billions more people in the world. There’s bound to be someone who you meet naturally, get along with and are attracted to. It may not be in the immediate future but that’s a good thing. Focus on yourself for now.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. You should really report him, but I understand you may be scared and feel as if that would worsen the situation. If you’re in a situation where you can move out, do that. Otherwise, I’m not sure what else you can do but try to avoid him as much as possible. One day, hopefully soon, you won’t have to deal with him.

What’s the situation with your law degree? Have you already started it and can’t continue, applied and been rejected, applied and not heard back, or something else? In any case, it’s not the end. You can always try again.

Believe me, there will be a time when you feel better and you’ll look back on where you are now and be glad that you didn’t throw away everything that you’ve got.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Everything you're saying makes so much sense, and I know I need to kick the drugs and that. But I feel like weirdly enough, if I stop before I'm in a better place mentally, then I'll have no form of escape and nothing to do, and I'll just breakdown, same thing with the self harm. If I stopped one the other might get worse, and if I stopped both then I don't know what I would do. Self harm makes me feel so filthy and dirty, I feel like shit afterwards but I can't stop, I'd rather feel that then be bored and numb all the time. It also makes me feel weak, like I'm not even a man anymore, I just feel pathetic. (and I know that it's obviously totally ok not to feel masculine, but I'm really not comfortable with it) It ties in with the bi thing, I know also there's nothing wrong with being bi, and it doesn't make you not a man, but to me it feels that way. It's so confusing as well, and it's another thing I don't want to deal with, let alone tell my friends.

I'm really trying to get outside more, the only times I do now are when my dad makes me come work with him, but that's hardly an escape at all. I know that I should try and find new hobbies, but it's like anything I try holds no interest for me, and it's fucking scary. My appearance is always bothering me, and so is my personality. Everyone says that I'm really funny, and entertaining to be around, but I'm just like that so I'm not alone. I don't even know if I could talk to a girl even if she would like me. My dad is just an asshole, and he's so demanding of me all the time. He wanted a different son, he wanted somone who would work with him and take over the farm, and I don't want to, so he hates me. He hit me up until recently, because now I'm a big dude he doesn't, but I don't know if he wouldn't do it again. But I still love him. He's my dad. I not reporting him, definitely not. He was probably treated that way by his dad. I'm just gonna leave next year for University, if I get in. I could do English. The Law thing has to do with school, It was my last year and COVID stopped me doing my exams to improve on my grades, and I was dedicated to really try this time. Not that I probably would have, but I know I don't have the grades, and it's my fault. I could've got them if I tried, but I'm a waster.

Thank you all so much for posting, you are all such good people, and again I just feel like I'm wasting your time, so I'm sorry, but thank you all so much for just giving me the time of day. I really need this. I'm really sorry about the posts, I was on my phone last night and I have no clue how the multi-quote thing works, so I'm really sorry.

Merged -Bluebyrd

[Second Chance]

I don't know exactly how this forum works, so forgive any errors in the format of this post.
To begin, I'm Jez. I'm 18, Irish, and a fucking mess. My life is an utter fucking travesty. I'm depressed, addicted to drugs, I cut myself, I feel miserable and bored all the time, and I always have a feeling of impending dread.

I'm possibly bisexual, I think about killing myself all the time, I'm fat, ugly and lonely all the fucking time.
The one thing I had was this girl that I fucking liked, and I told my stupid fucking friend who told her. And now she knows. What the fuck do I do? She hates me. My dad hits me, he hates me, and he's never around

Posts merged -Bluebyrd

As best as I can tell from this post and other posts you have put in this thread you have several basic problems:

1. Parental abuse (it does not appear you have a Mother in the picture)
2. Drug abuse
3. Mental health issues
4. Physical problems
5. Educational issues/ADHD
6. Sexuality/relationship issues

Parental Abuse

My opinion is that your drug, mental health, and physical problems are all tied into the issues you are having with your Father. You had mentioned somewhere in this thread that your Father wants you to take over the family farm, but you have no interest to do so but rather study law. Because you have not turned out to be the son that your Father has expected and your Father has not been very supportive of you the reality is that you both have a toxic relationship. Because you are 18 and legally an adult it would be tough to report your Father for abuse because my guess is short of him trying to murder you that the authorities in your country will tell you to move out and find another place to live. Telling you to leave your current home is simplistic and patronizing because it is not so easy to get up and leave especially if you are in a rural area. What I would suggest during the short-term is to go out and help with whatever chores are expected of you on the farm to keep your Father off of your back so that there will not be unneeded conflict. I would do any reasonable thing asked of you for the time being since you may not be in a position to go anywhere at this exact moment to keep the temperature in your household low. Since your Father is physically abusive it would not be wise to confront him or to respond to him when he gets angry, and I would just let him vent and let him move on. Again, your best bet is to do your chores so that you can avoid providing your Father with a way so that he can go after you.

If this means anything, all because you have not fulfilled your Father's expectations does not make you bad in anyway. You just turned out to be different which happens, and all because you are not continuing in his traditions or work does not imply you are broken. We are not Amoebas that create exact copies of themselves when they reproduce, and all humans are individuals. I doubt that your Father will ever understand that, and you should not even try to reason with someone who is as obtuse as your Father who seems to get pleasure from hurting you. Despite how your Father feels you need to accept yourself for all your good and bad and understand that those qualities make you who you are. To devalue your life and very existence is not proper, and because you turned out to be someone different than your family is the fact of life.

It might be scary to think of a life away from your family since they are all you know. Even if your family is awful, as you seem to describe, the fact remains is that they might be all you have which is why you would be reluctant to give them up even if they are not so great. However, sometimes if the situation is so toxic that you all cannot understand each other, then many times living apart can enable you all to have a better relationship than being together. Especially if your Father has come from a background where he himself was abused, then chances are he knows no better on how to live. He honestly could be out of his mind due to his own abuse, and he probably does not know any better. I think if your Father is a product of a dysfunctional household, then that could go a long way to dealing with him knowing that he is someone who is irrational and cannot be believed as a judge of character.


Drug Abuse

Until you can get a handle on your drug abuse nothing else will work out for you. To quit drugs is not at all easy, and quitting drugs involves a total lifestyle change. What that means is that you have to stop hanging out with friends who use it, even occasionally, and you have to avoid places where drugs are readily available. You have to be willing to make a major change to stay away from people and places where drugs are otherwise you will certainly relapse back into drug use.

You should get yourself into a drug treatment center or even a mental health facility which would serve two functions: a way for your drug use to be treated and for you to get away from your Father. Even if you admit yourself voluntarily to an institution, then that would be far better than for you to be taken there involuntarily. Chances are if there are good institutions in your area that the counselors there can build you up and ultimately provide you with the mental health resources so that when you leave the institution that you can live independently. The goal of a good institution is to rehabilitate those who can be taught to be independent, and the social workers will help find you resources and tools to pursue a life after leaving the place.

Drugs and self abuse might be your coping strategy right now, and like anyone in your situation, you might be afraid that if you stop taking drugs you might have to deal with the full force of the realities around you. Drugs, alcohol, and other such things provide an escape which I can understand why you would want. Another person above mentioned very well that once you are a lifelong addict, then you cannot see any reality especially the good one which I doubt you would want. It is scary to see the ugliness around you right now, but drugs create a whole other ugliness and makes you something that you most likely are not. It is far better to live standing than to use drugs to ending up going through life kneeling. With the right kind of therapy you can handle the bad things you are facing now so that when you have other really bad things happen you can cope with them without having to use something artificial.

Mental health issues

I think the drug abuse and mental health issues work hand in glove, and you clearly need to get into counseling or go into a facility that specializes with your problems. Having mental health problems does not make you weak or less than but simply is a fact of life that you will need to confront gradually. You most likely need to be in a sterile environment where you can get away from the stress under which you are living so that you can reorientate yourself and recognize yourself as a person of value. Until you are getting sufficient mental health counseling and are following the treatment plan diligently, then your physical issues and drug use will continue unabated. It might take a couple of tries before you find the right counselor, and do not get discouraged if the first counselor you meet does not work out.

Hiding your issues from your parents at this stage is not going to help you or them. You are in a situation you cannot handle by yourself, and I doubt where you are mentally you have the ability to solve this issue without professional intervention. Will your parents be unhappy that you are seeking mental health: probably? However, knowing the other option is that you are hurting and that you could hurt yourself your parents will opt to get you safe. No normal parent is going to let their child hurt themselves. My guess is that your parents already know that there is something wrong, and everyone needs a reality check so that you can get the assistance that you need. You have mentioned that since you were fifteen that you have had some major problems, and you need to ascertain what happened at that point of your life to push you off the rails and what it will take to confront that issue so that you do not let it destroy you. Confronting problems is scary, but what good mental health does is provide you with tools so that you can confront the issues so that you deal with the problem at the time and the same problem in different forms as you get older.

Mental health resources are not perfect, and I do not claim that once you show up that you will be immediately healed. What will happen is an honest assessment of your issues and your need to partner with the mental health resources to develop a treatment plan to get you back on your feet. You are going to have good days and bad days, but over time you will develop strategies to deal with the bad days if you work hard in therapy. Therapy is what you make of it, and the more effort you put into therapy and trying your best to handle negative behaviors, then the better off you will be. Therapy is unlearning bad behaviors which is not easy at all, and it might involve a lifetime of reorienting yourself. However, if you accept the challenge of therapy, then you will be a better person as a result of it. The fact that you're on here clearly shows you know that there is a problem and that you need direction on how to solve them. Only a professional is best suited to getting you to a place where you should be.


Physical issues

At this stage, if you are genuinely obese and have physical health problems, then chances are it has its roots in the abuse and mental health issues you are having. I think at this stage there might not be much you can do with your physical issues until you address your mental health and abuse problems. Once those two issues are under control, then you can focus yourself on improving your body to where you want it to be. For the time being I would not worry about your physical looks except for you to maintain good personal hygiene.


Educational issues

It is neat that you want to be a lawyer, and I hope that you can achieve your dream. For the time being I would not focus on that because you need to get your abuse, mental health, and drug abuse all under control. Until those issues are resolved, then you will be unable to focus in a very demanding program of study. My guess is you can be a lawyer one day, but you just need to get yourself grounded right now and deal with your very pressing problems. Once you are in a good place mentally and are totally off drugs, then you should pursue your studies. Until you have a strong mental health situation, then you will go off the rails when the stress of school comes right at you which may cause you to relapse into drugs and go into a dark place where you are now. By getting into counseling and possibly going into a facility/institution you can develop mental health coping strategies now so that when you are faced with problems later that you will be able to handle them. As it stands now you should not think too much about legal studies but rather getting yourself healthy. Getting yourself healthy is itself an achievement as big as a law degree in your situation.

Clearly, some medical or mental health professional must have diagnosed you with ADHD. As part of any mental health treatment plan you need to figure out how bad your ADHD is and what kind of professions would be best suited to you as a result of it. If your ADHD is severe, then it would be best to stay away from professions that require hours of concentration as opposed to those that do not. This is a conversation you must have with the professional(s) who diagnosed you with ADHD and how best you can respond to that disorder and what kind of lifestyle you should lead as a result of it. I think you should be honest about your drug use so that medical professionals can ensure what is being prescribed to you to handle ADHD is not conflicting with anything else you are putting into your body. Especially if you are on ADHD medication it might be wise to stop taking drugs of any sort because you simply do not know the kind of conflicts that medication and drugs can create in your body.


Sexuality/relationships

Whether you are bisexual, gay, or straight I do not think that should worry you right now. The fact remains is you are currently hurting, and you need to get out of your abusive environment and get yourself mentally well. Once you accept who you are and see that you are a person of value, then accepting your sexuality will fall into place.

I am sorry that the person you tried to date rebuffed you, but the problem is not with you. The reality is in life rejection is out there, and even though we may want something does not mean that the other person agrees. The fact remains is that if the other person did not respond to you positively does not mean there is a problem with either of you but rather you both were not a good fit. You never want to make someone a priority in your life when you are not even a footnote in theirs. Like how there are people out there who you would not date no matter how good or nice they are the same applies to others. Many times it is far best to be friends with the person in question if they like you as a person but just do not have a romantic interest in you. Romance is a two way street, and if there is no interest from the other direction, then you have absolutely no choice but to move on.

Beyond that, you are in a dark place emotionally, and I would not recommend a relationship right now. I think you need to address your drug and mental health issues right away. There are few people out there who would want to go out with someone with a drug habit which is why you need to handle that. I think that once you're off drugs and are mentally healthy, then you can handle a relationship. Right now you are not ready for a relationship.

Friends

I think you are correct that pushing away your friends is not a good idea especially if they are trying to help you. With that being said, remember that your friends do have limitations because they are not mental health counselors. Your friends seem like they are trying to encourage you, but if you cannot act on their encouragement and continue to engage in behaviors that are not best for you, then eventually that will act as a barrier for you to have meaningful relationships. That is why mental health counseling would greatly help you because you can understand what your problems are, what triggers them, and how to stop from engaging in bad behavior before it causes you to hurt relationships with others. Chances are your good friends want you to be able to stand on your two feet, but you have to be willing to get the help to make that happen. I think once you are getting help that your good friends will be your partners. Just avoid bad friends which are anyone who uses drugs or puts you down because you are in a vulnerable situation right now. It is far best to be alone than to be around anyone who destroys your mental health.


I think you should take baby steps everyday and acknowledge the progress that you have made. Do not try to build Rome in one day, and just take things one day at a time. For example, if you had trouble maintaining personal hygiene on a daily basis but now you do so everyday, then that is an achievement. Little things build up to big things, and never discount progress of any sort. More than anything, get help for your drug and mental health issues, and if you do that, then the rest of your life will fall into place.