Last string cut

[DeadEyes]

My mother died this morning at the hospital,
the last string that was keeping me attached to life.

[Tarannosaurus]

:hug3: The only thing I can say is live for your mother, she would want you to keep going.

[MechaSniper]

My mother died this morning at the hospital,
the last string that was keeping me attached to life.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Harley Quinn]

You're going to through a hard time right now, I'm sorry for you loss and if you need to talk to anyone, we're more than welcome to help you and listen to you. Keep your head up and keep fighting.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there. It won't be easy but you can do it, and we're all here for you. It will get better. :hug:

[DeadEyes]

:hug3: The only thing I can say is live for your mother, she would want you to keep going.

Believe it or not, I already told her that once she was dead, I would want to die as well and as disturbing she might have found it at 1st, she kind of came to accept the idea that my duty would be done and I could RIP as well.

You're going to through a hard time right now, I'm sorry for you loss and if you need to talk to anyone, we're more than welcome to help you and listen to you. Keep your head up and keep fighting.

Thing is it's always been hard (yep life is hard "it is known!") and it just became a lot more grim and it won't get any better so I really wonder why I should bother going on.

[Karkat]

Believe it or not, I already told her that once she was dead, I would want to die as well and as disturbing she might have found it at 1st, she kind of came to accept the idea that my duty would be done and I could RIP as well.



Thing is it's always been hard (yep life is hard "it is known!") and it just became a lot more grim and it won't get any better so I really wonder why I should bother going on.

I think she was upset with your suffering. I think that she probably still wanted you to live, and have a happy life, but she understood that you are in pain.

Hang in there :hug: Life is definitely hard, but anyone can make it worth living if they try. You just have to find the moments worth living for.

[DeadEyes]

I think she was upset with your suffering. I think that she probably still wanted you to live, and have a happy life, but she understood that you are in pain.

Hang in there :hug: Life is definitely hard, but anyone can make it worth living if they try. You just have to find the moments worth living for.

As she was, she wanted to die too (since she was sick) and well I'm somewhat physically disabled as well but mentally disabled even more so.
I never was happy, never will be and I don't even seek to be, you could say I'm happy to be unhappy.
You have no idea how sour I became and how much I hate life so making any efforts to go on seem silly to me.
The more it goes and the more it seem like I say that I'm going to end my life but will never do it, all words and no action and it seriously is starting to piss me off.

[Karkat]

As she was, she wanted to die too (since she was sick) and well I'm somewhat physically disabled as well but mentally disabled even more so.
I never was happy, never will be and I don't even seek to be, you could say I'm happy to be unhappy.
You have no idea how sour I became and how much I hate life so making any efforts to go on seem silly to me.
The more it goes and the more it seem like I say that I'm going to end my life but will never do it, all words and no action and it seriously is starting to piss me off.

That's a pretty loaded assumption, considering that you don't know me. Just because I do not seem to share your state of mind at the moment, doesn't mean I've never been there.

No, actually, regardless of the amount you've been posting here I'm still worried. It doesn't seem like you're just all talk in the slightest. Just that you're reaching out for some reason, and that's a good thing. And I hope it leads to good things.

[DeadEyes]

That's a pretty loaded assumption, considering that you don't know me. Just because I do not seem to share your state of mind at the moment, doesn't mean I've never been there.

No, actually, regardless of the amount you've been posting here I'm still worried. It doesn't seem like you're just all talk in the slightest. Just that you're reaching out for some reason, and that's a good thing. And I hope it leads to good things.

What assumption?
I don't think I've ever implied you could not relate to this? It's true I don't know you and I don't mean to say that you can't understand or that nobody understands (which is silly, there's always people who can relate to, especially on here).
With the amount I've posted since yesterday it might look like I'm seeking some attention but in fact I do end up having a bit too much attention for my liking.
It's far from being all words, you have no idea what kind of craving I have for death right now, I'm not scared of dying since a while and I'm not scared to hurt myself either, a bunch of people here does self harm so I think I can take a cut or 2 as well, except they will be in a precise goal.
I have my plan since quite a while now and I'm more than ready to execute it.

[Karkat]

What assumption?
I don't think I've ever implied you could not relate to this? It's true I don't know you and I don't mean to say that you can't understand or that nobody understands (which is silly, there's always people who can relate to, especially on here).
With the amount I've posted since yesterday it might look like I'm seeking some attention but in fact I do end up having a bit too much attention for my liking.
It's far from being all words, you have no idea what kind of craving I have for death right now, I'm not scared of dying since a while and I'm not scared to hurt myself either, a bunch of people here does self harm so I think I can take a cut or 2 as well, except they will be in a precise goal.
I have my plan since quite a while now and I'm more than ready to execute it.

I'm sorry, that's not the way I took it.

I'm going to warn you though: sometimes (in fact, a lot of the time, if we're talking statistics) suicide doesn't work. It just leads to pain, or you living life as a vegetable, in which case you're actually unable to end it.

I'm pretty thankful that I'm not a vegetable, but I've tried to kill myself in about every way possible, yet I'm still here.

I'm not denying that you killing yourself is possible, but I'd advise taking what I've said into consideration.

[DeadEyes]

I'm sorry, that's not the way I took it.

I'm going to warn you though: sometimes (in fact, a lot of the time, if we're talking statistics) suicide doesn't work. It just leads to pain, or you living life as a vegetable, in which case you're actually unable to end it.

I'm pretty thankful that I'm not a vegetable, but I've tried to kill myself in about every way possible, yet I'm still here.

I'm not denying that you killing yourself is possible, but I'd advise taking what I've said into consideration.

I know yeah, many people end up missing, I did myself which includes the classic not taking enough pills but the silliest when was I tried to cut my wirst with an unsharpened knife, made a little cut but didn't bleed so even one of the paramedics mocked me for it as he believed I was just seeking attention.
OK that was dumb I must admit and it did seem silly, but well It's fairly simple right now:
I won't forget to sharpen the knife next time.
It's my corpse these paramedic idiots will be taking with them this time.

[Karkat]

I know yeah, many people end up missing, I did myself which includes the classic not taking enough pills but the silliest when was I tried to cut my wirst with an unsharpened knife, made a little cut but didn't bleed so even one of the paramedics mocked me for it as he believed I was just seeking attention.
OK that was dumb I must admit and it did seem silly, but well It's fairly simple right now:
I won't forget to sharpen the knife next time.
It's my corpse these paramedic idiots will be taking with them this time.

Well I can only hope that you find a reason that inspires you to change your mind.

[DeadEyes]

Well I can only hope that you find a reason that inspires you to change your mind.

There's none.
But, as I've posted before when someone mentioned feeling worthless, you don't need a reason to live.
We can't all aspire to great things and very few humans truly had a positive influence on the world so we shouldn't expect to be all so worthy.
People always need something to hang on but why, you can just live on without worrying to necessarily have a reason.
I meant it when I posted that so I guess I'll try to practice what I preach.

[Karkat]

There's none.
But, as I've posted before when someone mentioned feeling worthless, you don't need a reason to live.
We can't all aspire to great things and very few humans truly had a positive influence on the world so we shouldn't expect to be all so worthy.
People always need something to hang on but why, you can just live on without worrying to necessarily have a reason.
I meant it when I posted that so I guess I'll try to practice what I preach.

False. Our effect on society, or the world is irrelevant. Some do great things that are written down in history, the rest do great things that are written down in hearts. A reason is a motivator to stay alive. As humans, we're generally bound to do something we don't like if we see a good reason for it. Life is no exception to that rule. You don't have to have a reason, but it makes it a hell of a lot more justifiable to live if you do.

[DeadEyes]

False. Our effect on society, or the world is irrelevant. Some do great things that are written down in history, the rest do great things that are written down in hearts. A reason is a motivator to stay alive. As humans, we're generally bound to do something we don't like if we see a good reason for it. Life is no exception to that rule. You don't have to have a reason, but it makes it a hell of a lot more justifiable to live if you do.

Right, Our effect on society, or the world is mostly irrelevant and it's basically what I said?
Right again, a reason or motivation makes it way more justifiable and now that I have none and never will again (please refrain from inserting never say never here, some things are just the way they are) it makes it hell of a lot less justifiable to live.
I guess I will for now anyway, I'm curious how moving out on my own will actually turn out.
But since everything I undertake turns to shit, I'll give up in no time.

[Karkat]

Right, Our effect on society, or the world is mostly irrelevant and it's basically what I said?
Right again, a reason or motivation makes it way more justifiable and now that I have none and never will again (please refrain from inserting never say never here, some things are just the way they are) it makes it hell of a lot less justifiable to live.
I guess I will for now anyway, I'm curious how moving out on my own will actually turn out.
But since everything I undertake turns to shit, I'll give up in no time.

I'm glad to hear that you're not leaving us just yet. Hope moving turns out...Relatively painless. Definitely not the funnest thing in the world, but definitely not the worst.

[DeadEyes]

I'm glad to hear that you're not leaving us just yet. Hope moving turns out...Relatively painless. Definitely not the funnest thing in the world, but definitely not the worst.

Except I'm crumbling under the pile of all the stuff we gathered here in this 5-room apartment since 20 years but it's all mine now so I'll throw a lot of it in garbage and it should keep me busy to clean it all up.
Made a list of apartments I've search on the net and in newspapers so we shall see how that goes but my main pressure is I got to get my butt moving because once they will find out my mother passed away they will kick me straight out of here.

[Karkat]

Except I'm crumbling under the pile of all the stuff we gathered here in this 5-room apartment since 20 years but it's all mine now so I'll throw a lot of it in garbage and it should keep me busy to clean it all up.
Made a list of apartments I've search on the net and in newspapers so we shall see how that goes but my main pressure is I got to get my butt moving because once they will find out my mother passed away they will kick me straight out of here.

That's tough. Best of luck finding a new place.

[DeadEyes]

That's tough. Best of luck finding a new place.

Many thanks, I'll need it but I'm working on it, the load of work may seem overwhelming but I'm not letting myself despair.
That's one of the reasons why I've always doubted that I suffer depression, I've never been apathetic, without any will to do anything.
I do have the other symptoms for sure but not that one, without the shadow of a doubt if I were constantly apathetic, I'd be long dead.

[Thatcarguy]

Just because your mother has passed (rest her soul <3) doesn't mean you do, this is going to happen to everyone sooner or later on this forum so stay in there everything will get better

[Dalcourt]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I wish you all the best with your restart now by finding a new place to live. It may all be overwhelming as you say but as you say you won't despair I'm sure you'll make your way. Best of luck.

[DeadEyes]

Your encouragements are appreciated,
Even though it doesn't make want to live more, I'll still go on for a while at least, giving up now sounds like laziness because I wouldn't make the efforts of moving and changing life,
I might want to die, but not for that reason.
I may not have such a strong will to live but there's no way I'll let it push me to end my life just because I'm anxious about what will happen.
As twisted as this might going to sound,
I wanted to suicide to choose when I was going to die and how but if I let those events discouraging me and that leads me to do it then I don't really choose, the events will have for me.

[Karkat]

Many thanks, I'll need it but I'm working on it, the load of work may seem overwhelming but I'm not letting myself despair.
That's one of the reasons why I've always doubted that I suffer depression, I've never been apathetic, without any will to do anything.
I do have the other symptoms for sure but not that one, without the shadow of a doubt if I were constantly apathetic, I'd be long dead.

Eh, I'm bipolar, and sometimes I'll be apathetic when I'm having a depressive episode, sometimes not. You don't always have to fit the entire criteria.

[DeadEyes]

Eh, I'm bipolar, and sometimes I'll be apathetic when I'm having a depressive episode, sometimes not. You don't always have to fit the entire criteria.

Yeah you don't need to have each and every symptoms to have the condition, in fact sometimes you may have only 1 or none at all.
Thing is if you are depressive or bipolar and have no symptoms, lucky you but you most likely will have some of them at some point if it's not taken care of.
I've been diagnose with severe depression, anxiety and insomnia before so I don't even doubt it is so although I never really had all the symtoms, such as apathy but also panic attacks and whatnot.

[Darth Vader]

Pray to God I'm sure he'll help you find your way

[Karkat]

Yeah you don't need to have each and every symptoms to have the condition, in fact sometimes you may have only 1 or none at all.
Thing is if you are depressive or bipolar and have no symptoms, lucky you but you most likely will have some of them at some point if it's not taken care of.
I've been diagnose with severe depression, anxiety and insomnia before so I don't even doubt it is so although I never really had all the symtoms, such as apathy but also panic attacks and whatnot.

Well panic attacks are a bit different from anxiety attacks. I mean, I've been diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder as separate entities.

Also, mental illness is usually diagnosed by symptoms. Usually, there isn't any other way. That and bipolar disorder is usually...Well not TERMINAL, but lifelong. Once bipolar, usually always bipolar. You can't really 'take care of it' and expect symptoms to leave you alone forever.

[xXoblivionXx]

I'm so sorry for your loss. may she rest in peace. I guess you are grieving. Please don't end your life based on these emotions. I'm always willing to listen/talk so PM me if you want. stay strong :hug3:

[DeadEyes]

Just because your mother has passed (rest her soul <3) doesn't mean you do, this is going to happen to everyone sooner or later on this forum so stay in there everything will get better

Nothing will get better, I won't comfort myself in illusions but I guess it won't get that bad either.

Pray to God I'm sure he'll help you find your way

Are you kidding me? I'm atheist.

Well panic attacks are a bit different from anxiety attacks. I mean, I've been diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder as separate entities.

Also, mental illness is usually diagnosed by symptoms. Usually, there isn't any other way. That and bipolar disorder is usually...Well not TERMINAL, but lifelong. Once bipolar, usually always bipolar. You can't really 'take care of it' and expect symptoms to leave you alone forever.

If one does know it never goes away, it's me for sure.

I'm so sorry for your loss. may she rest in peace. I guess you are grieving. Please don't end your life based on these emotions. I'm always willing to listen/talk so PM me if you want. stay strong :hug3:

I'm not feeling anything, I'm cold and numb to the fullest and figures if I'm dead inside, might as well be outside also.

[imthomas]

You're mom would want you to keep going

[Fanta_Lover44]

The loss of a loved one will always hurt, your mum would want you to keep going and have an amazing life. You always got the bare that in mind, remember all the good times to make you happy and stay strong for your mum. Here if you need someone to talk to.

[DeadEyes]

I am going to attempt to remain somewhat moderate here,
but I have to say that I would be so amused to see a mod lock this thread for being 2 months old.
I recall reading a thread in which somebody else was giving an update about her situation saying "and if anybody was wondering" then, quite a while later someone replied "of course we were wondering" as if the person really was wondering or worried about her.
The fact and the matter is nobody really was.
She could have been abducted and murdered by then, and if she didn't come back to her thread, nobody would have post again on that thread (just like this one) unless she had regular "friends" here who perhaps might have ended up wondering where she went after a while.
I posted this 2 months ago, and there was a few usual, generic encouragements as always and I ended up adding 2 members to my friends list.
Ever since, I could be dead and no one would give a rats ass, the thread died soon after I started it and I haven't been active for almost a month after and nobody posted anything wondering why I was gone, not even those 2 "friends" from my list who were supposed to be sooo worried.
This just proves something I knew all along: nobody really cares. I mean come on, why would anyone care for random strangers online who whine about their lives, it doesn't make any sense. Most of you just post these messages to give themselves some visibility and satisfy their self-worth.
Now, most of you, if not all of you will react to this vigorously and deny this, only because you will be offended by the fact it's true.
You may wonder what's the point of my post? Simple, I'm just stating that no one gives a shit and I dare you to say otherwise, go on, that at least will give me a good laugh.
Then, what I'm I doing here, if I pretend I'm here to help why wouldn't I just fall in that same category of people?
Then again it's well simple, I don't care and I'm not going to pretend I do, if I am attempting to give advices I just think it would be a shame to keep something to myself if it can be of use to anybody else, simple sharing of information, nothing more and nothing less.
Do not be worried about me posting this out of an impulse, it was well thought out and I meant to post this for a while already and I am well aware such comments might end up getting me banned but then again, I don't care.

[CosmicNoodle]

Sorry for your loss dude, but dont do anything to hurt yourself, your mother would want you to keep going.
I can only imagen what you must be feeling right now.

P.M Me if you want to talk buddy.

[Microcosm]

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. All I can say is that I really do hope things work out for you. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.