First World Bisexual Problems

[rockymountainway]

Hey all. Haven't been on VT Forums for awhile, feels good to be back!

I posted ages ago about how I was questioning my sexuality. I've finally come to terms with it and I'm confident that I'm bisexual. The only people that I've told have been my doctor and an old friend from high school who I once did some--ahem--stuff with (whom, it turns out, is totally straight. Huh.). Now, here's the issue I have.

I have a girlfriend. We've been dating for 3 years, but until last December had never done more than just kiss. After she got back from a 3 month trip across the country, I took her to dinner and later we made out for the first time back at her house. Since then, we've gotten to (pardon the lame metaphor) 2nd base. I really love this girl, and I know she loves me back, and we both care deeply about each other, but I feel like something's missing. Maybe it's because we haven't had sex. She still isn't ready for it, which obviously is totally fine, if she's not ready then that's that. Or maybe it's because I haven't told her I'm bisexual. My plan had been to wait until we had sex a few times, then tell her, because I felt that if I told her before, she would feel uncomfortable with me and we wouldn't wind up having sex at all.

Just to clarify, my goal here isn't just to have sex with her. My goal, ultimately, is to tell her I'm bisexual. I've never had sex with anyone, so I'm most likely treating it way too casually.

Some of you will probably say, "Just tell her! If she really cares about you then she'll support you." I would do that, but here's another side to the issue: I have feelings for someone else, a guy friend of mine from high school. This opens up an altogether different can of worms, because I've been friends with him for 6 years, and during that time I became very attracted to him, but I'm almost completely sure he's heterosexual (I say almost because we've made the typical gay jokes that guys usually make, but we would take them farther than most. Not to say we ever did anything sexual, we just made heavy references without indicating we're joking. He could be heterosexual and very comfortable with his sexuality, or homosexual/bisexual and wanting to come out but is nervous about it.). I'm going to be visiting the state he lives in next month, and I'll probably hang out with him while I'm there. I'm thinking of telling him that I'm bisexual without indicating that I'm attracted to him, just to see how he reacts. Judging by the kind of person he is, I'm sure he'd be totally supportive as well, but I know deep down that my telling him would be a way of testing the waters to see if he's bi as well, then eventually revealing my feelings to him.

I'm afraid that if I tell my girlfriend that I'm bisexual, the truth will come out that I'm attracted to my male friend. I feel horrible for even thinking about leaving my girlfriend for someone else, especially when our relationship is doing so well, but I feel like my true affections lie with him. Also I feel horrible for thinking that because he might not return my affections at all, and I fear that if I tell him I'm attracted to him, it'll ruin our friendship.

The answer is probably very obvious, but I still feel stuck. Sorry for the long-winded story.

[Miserabilia]

Well...
Does that mean that you're not currently attracted to your gf?
Or are you attracted to both?
Because if there's no chance of him being bi,
what's the risk of telling her your bisexual?
It's obviously not like you'll magicaly suddenly get in a relationship with him and she'll break up with you, yaknow?
And well like you said,
if she really likes you back,
she won't mind that you are bisexual,
especially if you stay with her and just love her,
and I don't see why it would be awkward.
If that makes any sense.

[Celtics]

I would tell her, I have no idea how she will take it though. If you do like or or love her since I don't know the relationship tell her and make sure she knows. I would also tell your guy friend about how you feel but make sure your gf knows to..... Its a sticky situation but I don't know that's what I would do.

[JamesSuperBoy]

I think you would feel better telling here and being honest.

[rockymountainway]

Well...
Does that mean that you're not currently attracted to your gf?
Or are you attracted to both?
Because if there's no chance of him being bi,
what's the risk of telling her your bisexual?
It's obviously not like you'll magicaly suddenly get in a relationship with him and she'll break up with you, yaknow?
And well like you said,
if she really likes you back,
she won't mind that you are bisexual,
especially if you stay with her and just love her,
and I don't see why it would be awkward.
If that makes any sense.

That does make sense. I realize that it sounds like a ridiculous situation with an easy answer, it just felt good to at least write down my thought process somewhere. My mind works oddly, as you might be able to tell.

I am attracted to my girlfriend, but I feel like I'm more attracted to my guy friend. I know I shouldn't be, because I don't want to ruin the relationship
I have with my girlfriend, but as happy as I am with her, part of me feels unfulfilled.

I'll figure it out somehow.

I think you would feel better telling here and being honest.

I think you're right. Thanks.

[JamesSuperBoy]

Cool anyways never rush these things take a while to consider options as only you know the folks involved.

[Living For Love]

I think the problem here is not the fact you should tell them or not that you're bisexual, but instead the fact that you don't know the person you love the most. If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, I don't think she needs to know, but I do think you could tell your friend you're going to visit and ask him to keep it a secret, or maybe even ask him for advice.

You need to follow your heart, basically, and as I highly doubt your friends is bisexual and wants to have a relationship with you, I think it would be better if you just focus on the relationship you have with your girlfriend. That "unfulfillment" you said you had is due, possibly, to the fact you haven't sex with her yet, but you'll get there soon, just don't try to rush things.

[rockymountainway]

I think the problem here is not the fact you should tell them or not that you're bisexual, but instead the fact that you don't know the person you love the most. If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, I don't think she needs to know, but I do think you could tell your friend you're going to visit and ask him to keep it a secret, or maybe even ask him for advice.

You need to follow your heart, basically, and as I highly doubt your friends is bisexual and wants to have a relationship with you, I think it would be better if you just focus on the relationship you have with your girlfriend. That "unfulfillment" you said you had is due, possibly, to the fact you haven't sex with her yet, but you'll get there soon, just don't try to rush things.

Thank you for the response. You're spot on about not knowing who I love the most. Since I posted this, I've come out to my girlfriend, who was even more supportive than I thought she would be. It seemed to not even faze her, which is great, and reaffirms everything I love about her. She's such a great person and I wouldn't dream of breaking up with her to be with someone else. I might tell my friend that I'm bisexual, but I won't tell him I have/had feelings for him.

My problem really is that I was letting myself get distracted from my relationship by the lure of a relationship with a man. I know that if I focus all my energy on the relationship I'm in, things will go great.

[Landbuscus97]

Hate to say but you gotta let the girl know what she's getting into before you start banging her. That's my opinion anyway, and you'll seem more trustworthy in the long run

[Karkat]

Thank you for the response. You're spot on about not knowing who I love the most. Since I posted this, I've come out to my girlfriend, who was even more supportive than I thought she would be. It seemed to not even faze her, which is great, and reaffirms everything I love about her. She's such a great person and I wouldn't dream of breaking up with her to be with someone else. I might tell my friend that I'm bisexual, but I won't tell him I have/had feelings for him.

My problem really is that I was letting myself get distracted from my relationship by the lure of a relationship with a man. I know that if I focus all my energy on the relationship I'm in, things will go great.

I know the feeling quite a bit, just without having any actual feelings for someone of the same sex as of yet.

My boyfriend asked me if I liked girls when I came out about being bigender to everyone on my Facebook (he'd already known for months), and he went down that line of reasoning

And while I do find the prospect of having sex with a girl, or being in a relationship with one again...Enticing, I love my boyfriend so much. He'd totally be better off without me, but I am DEFINITELY all the better for having him. He has helped me through so much, and given me a reason to help myself.

Also yeah, sex will probably fill that gap, but only once you're READY. If you're not ready, you'll only feel guilty and strained.

Anyways, sounds like things worked out great. Glad to hear it. :D Good luck with telling your friend, and may you and your girlfriend have a happy relationship.