NicoletteCB
April 2nd, 2014, 01:53 AM
Up until when I was 15 in my freshman year of highschool I was actually really confident in thinking I liked boys. When I was young as early as elementary school I did develop crushes on boys and in middle school I begun to be very sexually attracted to them and basically I pursued them a lot. Anyway I did go through a brief "phase" when I was 13 where I sexually chatted with an older girl online which got me all riled up sexually but before that and even a bit after that I'd had a long term fear of "becoming" gay or being attracted to females. I was young, foolish, and ignorant and my fear was really stupid and I would go back and punch myself if I could but I would look at girls and freak out and worry that I was having "uncontrollable" urges to kiss them.
Anyway, fast foreword a few years and when I began my first year of highschool I suddenly developed a crush on a girl who I considered a friend of mine from one of my classes. I was so confused because before that I had the stupidest notion in my head that gay people chose to be gay and when I suddenly began to romantically and sexually become interested in this girl it totally changed my entire frame of mind. Anyway she was heterosexual so obviously nothing never happened between us except months of uncomfortable embarrassment on my part. After I got over her in the beginning of my sophomore year (now) I've been only pursuing girls since then and enjoying it. In my heart I know emotionally and sexually I really enjoy woman and I feel like they're the best gender/sex for me to go after. I used to see myself marrying a man but now I prefer to see myself with a woman only. I've been flirting a lot with girls online and have been with one girl in a long distance relationship this year. The main reason why I haven't been able to physically pursue girls is because I switched over to online homeschooling in my sophomore year so I don't go out as much and socialize with girls. Also I live in a homophobic household so I can't exactly ask my mom to drop me off at the nearest lgbt center. My time chasing after girls online has actually been really awesome even though some of them did hurt me but still my relationships with girls compared to guys has been enjoyable and lovely and very fulfilling to me.
I do still feel very insecure in my sexuality and have a lot of anxiety which is my biggest problem. I love girls and want to only be attracted to them but I can't help worrying all the damn time about stupid stuff. I worry that because I suddenly fell in love with a girl which impacted and changed my life then what if again I suddenly fall in love with a guy? I don't want to really pursue guys again which I know sounds terrible since not all guys are the same but I feel safer and more at ease with woman I'm just afraid anything could change that. I shouldn't be afraid of love but I don't want to like guys again. Another thing is because I've only been really talking to girls online I'm afraid that when I do begin to physically try to be with woman it's not going to live up to what I think I want it to be like. I've never kissed anyone before and I always freak out about imagining kissing a girl and it not feeling "right" or being awkward when it comes to intimacy. What if I can't converse with girls in person as well as I can online? I can really emotionally connect and love woman but I have no idea how the physical aspect is gonna go and it terrifies me.
Another thing: when I go out in public and see attractive men I think to myself suddenly " Wow he is attractive!" But when I see woman it takes longer to register for me and it worries me. Maybe it's because I assume all the woman around me are straight and it'd be wrong to imagine myself kissing them but still once again I worry that physically I won't be able to connect with woman. I've found attractive woman online but I worry about real life.
Also sexually I'm even more confused. For some weird reason watching heterosexual or gay porn ( man on man) gets me more aroused than lesbian porn. Some lesbian porn does me well but most can't compare to the weird feeling I get when I watch straight porn and I hate it. I think I'm just really curious about the penis. I have a lot of reasons why I'd never be able to just sexually commit to a man but for some reason I do wonder what it would feel like the difference between lesbian and straight sex and I do get aroused for the weirdest reason seeing straight intercourse and wondering what I'd be missing out on sexually. I weirdly enjoy getting aroused by this but to be honest I can't imagine actual sex with a man it's just the genitalia I'm really intrigued by actually. This makes me so insecure because then I think what if this is my mind telling me I'm meant to sexually be with one gender but I'm going against it?
Anyway long story short I just want to feel confident only with woman but I always stress about the physical factors and stuff and it's giving me bad anxiety I worry about this stuff every day of every hour cause I just want to be happy with girls but my mind is always second guessing me and I hate it.
Anyway, fast foreword a few years and when I began my first year of highschool I suddenly developed a crush on a girl who I considered a friend of mine from one of my classes. I was so confused because before that I had the stupidest notion in my head that gay people chose to be gay and when I suddenly began to romantically and sexually become interested in this girl it totally changed my entire frame of mind. Anyway she was heterosexual so obviously nothing never happened between us except months of uncomfortable embarrassment on my part. After I got over her in the beginning of my sophomore year (now) I've been only pursuing girls since then and enjoying it. In my heart I know emotionally and sexually I really enjoy woman and I feel like they're the best gender/sex for me to go after. I used to see myself marrying a man but now I prefer to see myself with a woman only. I've been flirting a lot with girls online and have been with one girl in a long distance relationship this year. The main reason why I haven't been able to physically pursue girls is because I switched over to online homeschooling in my sophomore year so I don't go out as much and socialize with girls. Also I live in a homophobic household so I can't exactly ask my mom to drop me off at the nearest lgbt center. My time chasing after girls online has actually been really awesome even though some of them did hurt me but still my relationships with girls compared to guys has been enjoyable and lovely and very fulfilling to me.
I do still feel very insecure in my sexuality and have a lot of anxiety which is my biggest problem. I love girls and want to only be attracted to them but I can't help worrying all the damn time about stupid stuff. I worry that because I suddenly fell in love with a girl which impacted and changed my life then what if again I suddenly fall in love with a guy? I don't want to really pursue guys again which I know sounds terrible since not all guys are the same but I feel safer and more at ease with woman I'm just afraid anything could change that. I shouldn't be afraid of love but I don't want to like guys again. Another thing is because I've only been really talking to girls online I'm afraid that when I do begin to physically try to be with woman it's not going to live up to what I think I want it to be like. I've never kissed anyone before and I always freak out about imagining kissing a girl and it not feeling "right" or being awkward when it comes to intimacy. What if I can't converse with girls in person as well as I can online? I can really emotionally connect and love woman but I have no idea how the physical aspect is gonna go and it terrifies me.
Another thing: when I go out in public and see attractive men I think to myself suddenly " Wow he is attractive!" But when I see woman it takes longer to register for me and it worries me. Maybe it's because I assume all the woman around me are straight and it'd be wrong to imagine myself kissing them but still once again I worry that physically I won't be able to connect with woman. I've found attractive woman online but I worry about real life.
Also sexually I'm even more confused. For some weird reason watching heterosexual or gay porn ( man on man) gets me more aroused than lesbian porn. Some lesbian porn does me well but most can't compare to the weird feeling I get when I watch straight porn and I hate it. I think I'm just really curious about the penis. I have a lot of reasons why I'd never be able to just sexually commit to a man but for some reason I do wonder what it would feel like the difference between lesbian and straight sex and I do get aroused for the weirdest reason seeing straight intercourse and wondering what I'd be missing out on sexually. I weirdly enjoy getting aroused by this but to be honest I can't imagine actual sex with a man it's just the genitalia I'm really intrigued by actually. This makes me so insecure because then I think what if this is my mind telling me I'm meant to sexually be with one gender but I'm going against it?
Anyway long story short I just want to feel confident only with woman but I always stress about the physical factors and stuff and it's giving me bad anxiety I worry about this stuff every day of every hour cause I just want to be happy with girls but my mind is always second guessing me and I hate it.