my ex is still hung up on me.

[yeehaw]

Back in 2016-2017, I dated this girl for a year. We were absolute best friends beforehand and completely inseparable. But as she left school and went to college (the 16 year old UK college), we weren’t really working out and I ended up breaking up with her. I still loved her for a while after breaking up but so knew it was for the best and I got over her.

However, when I got into a new relationship last year (thankfully also over now, I’ve come to find) he absolutely hated the idea of me talking to my ex - we wanted to try and be friends, but he wasn’t having any of it and made me block her on all social media. It was bitchy of me to do so, but I just did it even though I didn’t want to. I ended up unblocking her on everything in about October but didn’t contact her.

After I broke up with that guy, I added her back on things a couple weeks ago. We’ve been pretty much talking every day since, overall happy that I’m messaging her again because we were so so close beforehand. However, she’s blatantly told me she still loves me (multiple times), both when she’s sober and when she’s drunk. Two nights ago she got very drunk (after she found out I was “talking” and flirting with someone) and sent me multiple drunk messages saying she wants me back and things of that calibre. She’s admitted that she has a bit of a drinking problem and she takes drugs also when she’s upset. She’s said multiple times the only thing I can do to help her is “wake up and realise that you still love me and want to be with me again”, a direct quote. I can’t help but think that anything I do or say in these situations is bad and I feel bad for hurting her like this.

She is quite mentally unstable, saying she was going to kill herself because no one loved her and she didn’t have anyone a few nights ago. She really worried me with it, I could barely sleep that night even though she wasn’t responding to my texts or calls. She also has a (progressive) motor disability meaning that in the future she will have to be in a wheelchair and not do many things independently. I want to be there to help her, because not many people understand it and she’s scared that people will leave her for it, but it seems that she only wants me to be around in a romantic way.

A few people I’ve told about it said I should just cut off all ties with her, but I’m so so scared that she will do something stupid if I do that again. But otherwise it seems like the only situation is to get back with her romantically but I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards her. I don’t want to lie to her like that at all, I just want to enjoy life (for once) with the person I’m talking to at the moment. Advice?

tl;dr - haven’t spoken to an ex in over a year, now back in contact with her and she still loves me and it feels like she guilt trips me over it. scared she’ll hurt herself if i leave her but i upset her when i’m happy with other people.

[ska8er]

She has too many problems. I know u
worry bout her but I wouldn't get into
anything romantic with her. The drugs
and alcohol and health problems r a lot
of things that will bring u down if u get
back with her. As others have told u I
would cut ties.

[Sailor Mars]

First big thing, do not take her problems personally. Don’t blame yourself for anything she does. People who, like you said, guilt trip or try to make it seem like it’s your fault are toxic. If someone is mentally unstable, or in general has alcohol or drug problems, that’s on them. It’s not your fault that they are like this. It’s not your fault that she drinks or does drugs. It’s not your fault that she is in a mentally bad place. You should absolutely not be scared that someone is going to hurt themselves because you don’t talk to them. And if they threaten you that they’re going to hurt or kill themselves because you don’t talk to them, realize this is 100% toxic behavior. It’s not excusable in any type of relationship, romantic or platonic.

That’s just #1.

I can understand the need or want to help this person, and want to support them, but some people need professional help, or simply don’t want help. They just want to bring other people down with them, so they’re not the only one feeling bad. I’m not sure if your ex is like this or not because I don’t know her personally, but just know some people are like this.

I would say communicate with her. Make it clear you want to help her, or support her health, but you’re not looking to get in a relationship with her again, and you just want to be friends. It’s going to hurt her, it’s definitely going to hurt her, but it’s better that than continue to let her have these thoughts.

If she continues this behavior even after talking to her, I would say your best bet is to cut ties...

[Zika]

You're in a very difficult situation. You like this person a great deal, but not romantically. She's still in love with you and wants you back. To make it worse, she's blackmailing you with her threats of killing herself.

When she says “wake up and realize that you still love me and want to be with me again," she's obviously talking about how she feels about you. She's not hearing you say you don't feel that way about her.

I don't think she's in a position to carry on a friendship with you. It might make sense for you to just cut contact with her, as painful as that would be for you. If she threatens suicide, call (in the US it's 9-1-1) the emergency number for public safety and have the police and EMS check on her. If she texts you a threat, you can forward that to them for proof.

She's trying to manipulate you for her own benefit. She doesn't want you to be happy if it's not with her, but you don't want to be with her and you have a right to be happy. And given all her problems, she'll take you down with her. You're not able to save her.

You said you don't want to hurt her by rejecting her romantically. That's understandable.
Not too long ago I had to end a relationship because it just wasn't healthy. I was talking to someone about it and said "but I know I'll hurt her if I break up with her and I don't want to hurt her" and he had an interesting perspective on it. He said I would hurt her and I would need to take responsibility for hurting her, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. It took some time for me to fully accept the truth of that.

Please don't allow yourself to be blackmailed into a relationship which isn't healthy for you and in which you would constantly have to live a lie to yourself and her in pretending to be in love with her.