surviving
March 29th, 2014, 12:40 PM
I've recently gotten access to memories that previously belonged to one of the other people in my body. And I am scared because there's been a lot of changes inside. I've been struggling to be coherent talking about it.
I have (undiagnosed) DID. But I went from knowing about and interacting with 30 different people inside to only knowing for sure that four of them exist. I told a friend that I had experienced a lot of abuse at the hands of a group that involve the embodiment of Satan, and since that there have been some really confusing changes.
We have an alter, Inferno, who was, for lack of a better word, groomed by a person that sexual abused me on behalf of the group. We've had other alters that I'm struggling to place a creator with, who were undoubtedly groomed into who they are. An alter, Kitten, for example, was groomed into turning pain into pleasure. The alter "Mariposa" who I don't know if she still is around was another sexual alter, who flew away with us when sexual things happened.
Inferno isn't doing it to help, I don't think. He does it to protect (possibly guard) the names and faces of the people. I mean, I know my mind created him, but he's never been there to help ME. He's been there to keep me afraid and 'dutiful'. I guess that talking about the memories a bit has enacted some sort of 'protocol' that scrambles us and makes it hard to communicate. Sometimes I'm so alone in my head I worry that the others are gone, because I've had someone with me 24/7 for the past year or so. Before that, the others were here frequently, I just didn't really realize it.
I know that I likely go back to some of the places on holidays like Christmas and Easter, and there's been a number in my phone history that occasionally shows up around the full moon, but I think that whoever calls them deletes that info more often than not. I think my birthday may also be involved. I also seem to be sick every year on the holidays, and I don't know what happens when I'm 'sleeping'.
Sorry if I've bothered anyone.
I have (undiagnosed) DID. But I went from knowing about and interacting with 30 different people inside to only knowing for sure that four of them exist. I told a friend that I had experienced a lot of abuse at the hands of a group that involve the embodiment of Satan, and since that there have been some really confusing changes.
We have an alter, Inferno, who was, for lack of a better word, groomed by a person that sexual abused me on behalf of the group. We've had other alters that I'm struggling to place a creator with, who were undoubtedly groomed into who they are. An alter, Kitten, for example, was groomed into turning pain into pleasure. The alter "Mariposa" who I don't know if she still is around was another sexual alter, who flew away with us when sexual things happened.
Inferno isn't doing it to help, I don't think. He does it to protect (possibly guard) the names and faces of the people. I mean, I know my mind created him, but he's never been there to help ME. He's been there to keep me afraid and 'dutiful'. I guess that talking about the memories a bit has enacted some sort of 'protocol' that scrambles us and makes it hard to communicate. Sometimes I'm so alone in my head I worry that the others are gone, because I've had someone with me 24/7 for the past year or so. Before that, the others were here frequently, I just didn't really realize it.
I know that I likely go back to some of the places on holidays like Christmas and Easter, and there's been a number in my phone history that occasionally shows up around the full moon, but I think that whoever calls them deletes that info more often than not. I think my birthday may also be involved. I also seem to be sick every year on the holidays, and I don't know what happens when I'm 'sleeping'.
Sorry if I've bothered anyone.