loss of a family member

[yeehaw]

so, erm, this thread is sort of painful to write but i’m hoping it’s going to give me some sort of catharsis so here we go

just over a week ago, i lost my nana who i was very close to to bowel cancer. she was diagnosed 3-4 years ago but it’s only since about this summer during the heatwave and when she had an operation she was going downhill. we didn’t know it was terminal until about a month ago. i went to go and see her in the hospital during this time, and she looked nothing like herself. she was in so much pain, didn’t want to speak except to ask to be moved in bed or to be given more morphine.

my nana was a lovely person. when i was younger she used to walk me home from school, take me to the library, and take me on holidays to the british seaside in a static caravan she had, now sold. she loved hiking, birdwatching, and walking her dogs on many trips across the UK, including the lake district and peak district. she had a few dogs over the years.

i’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone, no longer on my street. she was there for me when i needed to get away from everything and made me feel at peace. she’s not going to be there for me when i get my A-Level results, when i go to university, if i ever get married. my family is a tiny one anyway, so it just feels like a massive void in my chest right now and i’m struggling to sleep, concentrate or find motivation to do anything.

—

honestly, a few tears later, i’m feeling a bit better. but, yeah... has anyone else gone through the loss of a family member through cancer? is there anything i can do to help me feel better? when will this bad feeling in my chest pass, if it ever will?

[ska8er]

I have never experienced this but my
deepest sympathy to you. Know that
she still lives with all the good things
u remember of her with in ur heart.

[Katie2003]

Shanie, I am very sorry for your loss and while I've not yet lost any close relatives, I do know that it takes time to heal afterward and everyone reacts differently. Some people who are religious take comfort in the strength and emotional support shown by their family and friends during this time.

Recently the mom of my newly adopted big sis Jamie passed away after being in the nursing home for an extended time with terminal cancer. She was my mom's close friend having grown up together and attended school together, and was frequently over at our house as far back as I can remember, which was why Jamie's mom had wanted our family to adopt Jamie. She was like another auntie to me and I saw her more often than some of my actual relatives.

While I did feel really bad when she passed away, I was consoled by the thought that it was a blessing given the circumstances. She had been through a lot and that had taken its toll on her, as well as on Jamie and my mom. Like your grandma, she was not the same person at the end and it saddened us to see her like that. I was surprised that my mom took it a lot worse than Jamie did. Jamie was relieved that her mom was no longer suffering and was now in a better place, and after several weeks seems to be her usual happy self. Mom is still not quite over mourning for her friend, but of course she's comforted by knowing that Jamie is in a safe and loving family situation rather than being all alone.

Try to recall the positive, happy experiences you had in the past and take comfort knowing she is no longer suffering. You will treasure those good memories the rest of your life. And sometimes talking about how you feel will help, so will hugging your friends and family members.

[Oscar-V3.0]

Shanie, just think about all the good moments you had with her, and all she brought to your life.

If she saw you being happy that she looked after you, and that you had good times with her on holidays, that certainly made her happy too

If you are religious and believe there is something after life, then she probably watches over you from the skies ;)

As Katie said only remember the good moments you had with her. When you feel sad, think about what she would tell you to do if she could speak to you from the skies
Good luck

[Adamant]

So sorry to hear about this loss. Your nan seems a great person.
I lost my mum when I was 8. Lots of things didn't work out in my family but I know she loved me and I loved her.
I like the idea in Harry Potter books that love is powerful and protects. I know thats just a story but it helps me. Just because my mum isn't here it doesn't mean the love she had for me has just vanished too.
Though you won't see your nan on those special days maybe you will still feel her love with you.
Like other people said think of the good things you shared as that is what she would want.
This is the kind of things people have said to me and it sort of works for me but that doesn't mean I have got it sorted as I still feel guilty and hurt and cross and sad about it all at times but it is something I keep telling myself and it helps a bit.

[pauly]

Shanie,

The only thing which will heal the hurt, little by little, is time. Nothing anyone says - even with the best intentions in the world - can take the pain away.

But the very fact that you've written here about your nan is a good sign and means you're able to let out some of the pain to readers of this thread in VT. So it could be that writing here regularly telling us of your progress will also help a bit more.

However you cope - and you will cope - don't try to hold back tears; just be yourself, try to think positively, and I wish you and your family every good health and happiness in the future.

Paul

[Brightenraid]

Shanie, greetings.
I am very sorry for you. Be strong.

In the end, you need to live on. I am sure your grandmother would like you to be happy and not be obsessed with grief.

[TessTheGreat]

I'm really sorry you're sad but soon you will be fine and anyway she would want you to get on with your life and be happy.

[Uniquemind]

Average time for grieving is 6 months. It becomes manageable around then, unless you have a photographic emotional memory; then it’s just misery on command.