Fear of abuse being passed down

[TriFizz]

Growing up, my dad abused me physically and emotionally. He had anger issues and I already know he passed that on to me. I am not to sure how abuse passes down to children, but I've read so many papers on children who were abused becoming the abusers. Same with bullying. Anyways, my fear is that if I ever get married and have kids, I will abuse them and so that's preventing me from actually going for it. I really want kids and want to be the best father I could ever be, but that fear that I might hurt them or do something that makes them fear me (same for wife/husband). I guess I want to know what I should do? Other than going to see someone to work through my problems, is there any advice or proof that I could actually be different from my father.

Thanks.

[Ben7]

I've had similar experiences and similar concerns. The bottom line is I don't have an answer but what I set for myself is to be as good a person as I can from day to day, stick to a certain level of morals, be kind, etc. It's no guarantee but if you have a constant reminder in your life that that is not how you ever want to be later on, then I feel that will be significant and helpful. At least for me personally I'd like to think I'm alright; I am kind, patient, respectful, I treat everyone the way I'd like to be treated, etc. So long as you remind yourself and practice being the person you want to be, then it will turn out alright for you.

[Adamant]

Probably not a big hdlp but at least you are not the only one as i sometimes worry about this too.
Hopefully knowing the problem might exist means we will be on the look out for any signs of it befote it gets bad.
Hopefully your partner will help you too.

[The Good Kid]

I grew up with the notion that hurting children is okay. I'm Chinese and my parents used to make me beat my little brother and sister at a young age. My mother would tell me things like "You like this." and "It feels great hurting them, right?" But I loved my siblings more than anything in the world.

I'm now in DCF custody and in a foster home.

I am the first of my Chinese bloodline to not hit their children. My mother came from Hong Kong, a place where child abuse rates are high. Her mother beat her, and hers before, too.

I am under an oath of non-violence.

You can work around this. You can do it.

[Sevro au Barca]

My friend, the fact that you're consciously thinking this through, and you've decided that you don't want to abuse your children, is proof enough that you probably have nothing to worry about. Cycles of abuse are brutal, but usually all it takes to break them is conscious recognition and a decision not to follow the mistakes of the past. It'll be hard. But who better to understand how deeply abuse affects a child than someone who has lived through it?

Also, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this. Child abuse is absolutely terrible, and I've seen first hand how horribly it can affect people. I wish you the best, and please never be afraid to reach out; if you think a random internet-stranger might be of help, feel free to shoot me a DM.

[ChrisA1998]

Growing up, my dad abused me physically and emotionally. He had anger issues and I already know he passed that on to me. I am not to sure how abuse passes down to children, but I've read so many papers on children who were abused becoming the abusers. Same with bullying. Anyways, my fear is that if I ever get married and have kids, I will abuse them and so that's preventing me from actually going for it. I really want kids and want to be the best father I could ever be, but that fear that I might hurt them or do something that makes them fear me (same for wife/husband). I guess I want to know what I should do? Other than going to see someone to work through my problems, is there any advice or proof that I could actually be different from my father.

Thanks.
Most people who do that dont even realize (or dont want to realize) that they do something wrong. And some of those children, for some reason, think they deserve it, and that when it happens it's their fault. That's why they tend to repeat it.

you know what you went through, so you need to think about how you dont want your children go through the same ;)

The single fact you are wondering about it, and you dont want to repeat it, proves that you dont want to be like your father ;)

[Just JT]

I think Sevro au Barca and ChriaA1998 both said it really well.
The thing about child abuse being kinda inherited is because you grow up thinking and feeling a sense though this is normal, and is often times the most attention a child will receive from their parents, reinforcing the behavior.

Although you now know and understand that it’s wrong on so many levels, the problem really becomes that the child, as an adult, haven’t developed the skills needed to pay attention properly or appropriately. Then relying on the way they were treated as a young child.

Not necessarily alway true, just as everyone is different, so will every child/parent,(abused/survivor, parent/abuser).

I think for some adults who were abused and unable to come to terms with in adulthood, revert to the learned behavior they were raised with through anger over not knowing how to treat their children with love and care.
Just one of my thoughts.

Anyways, yes, now that you can see that you were treated poorly and don’t “want” to treat your children the same, is half the battle, you know what NOT to do. Now it’s a matter of learning WHAT to do.

Counseling, it works, and is a very hard and courageous thing to do to ask for help, nothing to be embarrassed about, we all have issues

Talking, listening, working through issues....and not alone, we all need people, love, friends, family and compassion. And how to show those emotions, as well as teaching your children how to show those feelings is part of it also.

It’s called breaking the chain, and you may very well be that link that breaks that chain in your family

Go for it, break the chain, any and all abuse is just wrong.....just wrong....break the chain

[Emilyfox]

So heartbreaking :(

[Keenan.]

This is heartbreaking

[Uniquemind]

While heartbreaking, this is also hopeful too, because you recognize what is wrong and what you want to change.

Goal setting is always the first step.

Also once you are a parent it’s important you learn applies behavioral analysis techniques as that can give you alternatives on how to change yourself and also how to develop parenting discipline techniques that are not violent.

[Just JT]

While heartbreaking, this is also hopeful too, because you recognize what is wrong and what you want to change.

Goal setting is always the first step.

Also once you are a parent it’s important you learn applies behavioral analysis techniques as that can give you alternatives on how to change yourself and also how to develop parenting discipline techniques that are not violent.

I agree. It’s a matter of breaking the chain of violence. Something many of us have seen to much of in life

I know for myself, if/when I have kids, my therapy will probably need to continue so I can develop new age appropriate skills on dealing with kids. Not the same skill sets I’ve used the past few years to avoid violence.

The chain seems to never be completely broken, almost repaired after it’s broken time and time again. We just need to keep a pair of bolt cutters handy so we don’t continue a new fucked up generation like we’ve been dealt

[Karkat]

Honestly, the fact that you're aware of this, and don't want to continue that cycle is already a good start.

My grandma once said something to me that makes a lot of sense. She told me, "I tried to do better than my mom did. Your mom tried to do better than me. Now it's your job to do better than we did."