Phosphene
October 14th, 2018, 04:36 AM
I've never been great at letting people know I have feelings for them or knowing how they feel about me. I either read too much into nice things they do or realize too late that they were flirting with me (lmao how rare that is). There's a guy I've been crushing on hard for a few years now, and lately I wonder if the feelings are mujual. He walks to class with me, sits with me at lunch, talks to me whenever he sees me, and finds excuses to touch my arm, hair, and just be playful and cute. I'm glad he's paying attention to me and all, but there are some huge obstacles getting in the way of me enjoying it and potentially starting a relationship with him. He and another girl in my grade had an on and off relationship last year, and I've heard he still likes her somewhat. I always discouraged them being in a relationship - it was really toxic and she talks shit about him all the time. He really deserves someone better, someone who doesn't put him down all the time and actually makes him happy. I want to be that person. I'm just stuck. I feel bad for liking him because I tell myself he could do so much better than me, and I also know that I wouldn't be happy if we got together because I'd still tell myself he deserves better. There's just no happy ending either way, and that makes mee feel worse.
I've also gotten to the point where I've just given up on being with him - or having a successful relationship - altogether. I'm convinced that I'm over-analyzing his kindness and that I'll get rejected if I tell him how I feel. Why should I bother if no one ever reciprocates my feelings, or just leads me on? What if he's just being nice out of pity? What's the point in trying anymore? I'm just fucking done. On the off chance I ever do end up with him, I wouldn't even know what to do. The few relationships I've been in hardly count as relationships. I've only been lied to and shot down. I want to be affectionate and intimate with him, but what little intimate experiences I've had were unwanted and I would erase them if I could. Whenever I'm with him, I tell myself to snap out of it and stop getting my hopes up for something that won't happen. This is pathetic. I don't know why I wrote it. I'm sure it will get ignored. There are way more pressing issues than my pathetic love life. I should be used to being alone by now, but I'm just not.
I've also gotten to the point where I've just given up on being with him - or having a successful relationship - altogether. I'm convinced that I'm over-analyzing his kindness and that I'll get rejected if I tell him how I feel. Why should I bother if no one ever reciprocates my feelings, or just leads me on? What if he's just being nice out of pity? What's the point in trying anymore? I'm just fucking done. On the off chance I ever do end up with him, I wouldn't even know what to do. The few relationships I've been in hardly count as relationships. I've only been lied to and shot down. I want to be affectionate and intimate with him, but what little intimate experiences I've had were unwanted and I would erase them if I could. Whenever I'm with him, I tell myself to snap out of it and stop getting my hopes up for something that won't happen. This is pathetic. I don't know why I wrote it. I'm sure it will get ignored. There are way more pressing issues than my pathetic love life. I should be used to being alone by now, but I'm just not.