Things haven't got any better with my gf

[Henry333]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 9 months. We started going out in September, and up until New year things were great. We were progressing and we'd spend loads of time together and things were amazing. Then she started being distant saying she was overwhelmed by being in a relationship so I took a bit of a step back. Slowly I worked back up to how we used to be by mid February. Things were getting better for a while, then the same thing happened again. After that I tried to build up the relationship again. Then we had prom, and she developed anxiety. It wasn't too bad and we managed to get through the event. Then exams came around. Just before exams her anxiety got better and we hung out sometimes, but not as close as we used to be. Now exams have finished, but her anxiety got even worse. To the point that she doesn't want to see me at all because it feels like a big step. For the past 2 months I've seen her twice and she was just really closed and distant with me. It barely feels like we're in a relationship. I know anxiety is awful for her, but I've waited and waited for her and I feel like I'm wasting my time. Through all of this I can still say I love her, but she hasn't said the same to me in months. If she doesn't feel the same way, I want to know so I don't waste any more time waiting so I can move on,but I don't want to worry her at all because she already has enough on her plage.
Basically I don't know how to feel. I love her and want to be with her, but I haven't seen her in weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. It does sound selfish but i don't want to waste my time. What should I do? If you have any questions feel free to ask. I just feel like I'm stuck with no good way out

[lliam]

if she denies to talk about it, tell her what you've posted here, at least the last paragraph. if she doesn't respond accordingly ... just move on.

[inactiveguy678]

Did she consult anybody like a therapist? Did she seek medication? Honestly, I noticed this is how most Western people approach things like this in ta relationship "The person with mental illness in a relationship should get help or else I'm gonna leave her".

For me I don't totally agree with that in the sense that when you have mental illness it takes a lot of effort to actually even recognise you need help. Trust me I've been there. When I was on the opposite end of what was happening to you (I was the one with anxiety and depression), I initiated the break up. But that was because I managed to wrangle some self awareness after I knew I needed help and I knew I wasn't capable of being in a relationship with all my current problems.

I'm only saying this because I feel like the stuck part in your relationship is coming from the point of view that she hasn't been reciprocative but having a mental illness may mean a person may not be all there. Also, dealing with issues is different for everyone. She might be internalising everything that is why she doesn't talk much.

So my final advice to you is basically just propose a break if you really couldn't take it. Otherwise, help her realise she may need help for what she is feeling inside.

[Henry333]

I see what you are saying and I recognise how hard it is for her. She's been seeing a therapist and getting help for a while now, and I'm waiting for her to get into a state of mind where we can properly talk about everything. I'm just worried that after all this waiting she may not even want to be with me, and I would have wasted months.

[benlodge123]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 9 months. We started going out in September, and up until New year things were great. We were progressing and we'd spend loads of time together and things were amazing. Then she started being distant saying she was overwhelmed by being in a relationship so I took a bit of a step back. Slowly I worked back up to how we used to be by mid February. Things were getting better for a while, then the same thing happened again. After that I tried to build up the relationship again. Then we had prom, and she developed anxiety. It wasn't too bad and we managed to get through the event. Then exams came around. Just before exams her anxiety got better and we hung out sometimes, but not as close as we used to be. Now exams have finished, but her anxiety got even worse. To the point that she doesn't want to see me at all because it feels like a big step. For the past 2 months I've seen her twice and she was just really closed and distant with me. It barely feels like we're in a relationship. I know anxiety is awful for her, but I've waited and waited for her and I feel like I'm wasting my time. Through all of this I can still say I love her, but she hasn't said the same to me in months. If she doesn't feel the same way, I want to know so I don't waste any more time waiting so I can move on,but I don't want to worry her at all because she already has enough on her plage.
Basically I don't know how to feel. I love her and want to be with her, but I haven't seen her in weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. It does sound selfish but i don't want to waste my time. What should I do? If you have any questions feel free to ask. I just feel like I'm stuck with no good way out

Firstly as im sure you are aware, exams are very stressful. They bring on very weird things. Someone in my school took 27 exams which is crazy. As for your situation, i think you should try and take her to a nice coffee shop, or go for a walk with her. Say to her "i havent seen you in a while, itd be nice to catch up". Its good to say it like that because it doesnt sound to her like you are pressuring anything, you are planting that seed in her mind that she can meet you and its up to her to initiate it.
One of the worst things i think you could do is move on, i know its difficult but you need to give it time. You need to be there for her, and you need to support her in any way possible. Im no relationship expert, but from my experience, girls like space, but they also liked to be cared for, mentally and physically!

[Henry333]

I have offered just to go for a walk or a coffee and she told me she wasn't ready to. I'm going to stay there for her, I just wish there was a way to make it easier

[jamie_n5]

It's time to think about yourself. You have done enough and tried your best to be there for her and do all that you can to help her. You just need to get out of this before it pulls you down and ruins your life. Go your own way and find an other girl. Don't feel like you are abandoning her she has abandoned you long ago. You deserve a happy and good life and relationship. Good luck.

[inactiveguy678]

I just wanted to ask one detail. Have you ever been present on one of her sessions with her therapist? I know it would be a difficult imposition but getting a chance to present in one to discuss your side and how you are feeling might lead to a breakthrough.

With the way things are looking its really hard to give her a time frame on when she will open up. The biggest problem about dating someone with mental illness is sometimes, the medication really affects the person in terms of relating to others (anti-anxiety meds made me feel kinda numb plus dealing with the other physical symptoms made me averse to dealing with a lot of things).

[Henry333]

I've never been to her therapy, and with the fact that I haven't seen her because it would be too much, I doubt I will get to

[inactiveguy678]

At least try because in my opinion there has been little details on her end to know whats happening. Again as someone who underwent this same thing, I try my best to reach out since those with mental illnesses can't bring themselves to do so.

I believe if you love her you will find a way to maybe even talk to the therapist if she is not comfortable bringing you. Take not I'm not telling you to use this opportunity to spy on her but just seek for advise on how to reach her from someone she trusts.

[lliam]

plasmaspirit - he may talk to her parents, but not to her therapist without beeing permitted to do so. Anyway, her therapist isn't allowed to talk to him about her probs for legal reasons.

[inactiveguy678]

No I just mean maybe he could use the therapist to help her have a breakthrough. They don't have to talk about what she and him discuss. I didn't mention the parents thing since they weren't mentioned in the story and I don't know if he has a good relationship with them or the relationship is known to them.

[NewLeafsFan]

Henry, you seem like a really nice guy. You have supported this girl through a lot. At some point though, it seems like this girl isn't for you. Since you want to spend so much more time with her than she does with you, I'm starting to think that this won't work for one of two reasons. First, she isn't as into you as you are her. Second, you are currently looking for something more serious than she is. Either way, I think she'll look back on you as the one that got away.

Have a blunt conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. You clearly don't feel that you are getting what you need out of this relationship. See what she says. Maybe give her one last chance. If this happens again, accept that it just wasn't meant to be. Break it off. AND DO NOT LET HER BULLY YOU INTO STAYING. That would make things MUCH WORSE. Good luck.