In Love With My Best Friend... Help.

[Renacatalepsy]

I'm 15 and bisexual. I'm in love with my best friend. She knows. I want to talk about a few different things in this post.
a. Could she like me?
b. What can I do to help her?
c. Am I just insecure?

a. I've gotten so many mixed signals the past couple months. It's been tearing me up. I don't know if she feels the same. She refuses to tell me, I ask straight up, but she doesn't give me a straight answer, she dodges it.

Signs she could like me:

- She talks about going out and doing things alone a lot, including picnics and Netflix and stuff. We recently went to the park at night, watched cotton fall from the trees, picked flowers, and played on a playground like 5 year olds.Yeah, could just be best friend hangout sessions, especially because she can't go places usually. I just wanted to put this here.

- She sends me lots of really cute selfies (She knows I'm in love with her and still sends them). She also sends me musicallys that she makes, and some of them have really suggesting/flirtatious faces.

- We're both artists. We have these personas of us and she always draws them spooning or cuddling. She drew them kissing once. We also make many scenarios where they're being really flirtatious with each other.

- All of my friends say it's obvious she likes me.

- She always talks about cuddling with me.

- She talks about sex with me. She's told me all of these particularly specific things. Her body sensitivity, How she reacts to sexual stimulation, and stuff like that.

Things I'm unsure about:

- She talks about sex with me, yeah, but she claims to be bicurious because she hasn't experimented with a girl. She always drops hints like, "oh yeah, I like dick" even though she's a virgin. She never really talks about having sex with a girl, and when she does she says "that's a little too gay for me."

- She talks to me about all these other people she finds attractive on Instagram, and she tells me about people who flirt with her.

- Whenever I flirt she just responds with jibberish, or kinda just shuts it down. She's usually oblivious to flirting anyway.

- She tells me she doesn't know if she can be intimate with someone who she laughs with all the time. I told her that, that's the best type of intimacy, and that she didn't know that because of her experiences (that'll be explained in B).

- When we talk about cuddling, we never actually do it. Could just be us being awkward.


I don't know if she feels the same.


b. Okay, story. So, her first "boyfriend" manipulated her into being with him using suicide threats. He's done this with my entire friend group but me. It was a terrible time for her- He sexually harrassed her, touched her where she didn't want him to. Because of this she's scared of relationships. She now feels like everyone is like him.

Is my support and patience all I can contribute to help her?


c. She knows I'm painfully in love with her. She knows it hurts me.She's given me signs and hopes.
She still sends me all of these people she finds attractive. She flirts with me sometimes and the shuts me down other times. I get so upset over it. I get paranoid that she's suddenly going to leave me for someone else. I get sad whenever she talks about anyone that she believes is attractive just bc I love her so much.

Am I just being really insecure?



*HUGE EDIT, LAST UPDATE*

I will no longer need help on this.
Her situation has become much more complicated than mine. Not only is she confused on her sexuality, but her financial status has lead her to the possibility of online school and a nearly full-time job at 15 years old.
I don't care about this anymore. I care about pulling her back down to the ground and helping her power through this new change.

I need to help her. Thank you all for your responses.

[Uniquemind]

The first step of advice I'll tell you is to calm down. The situation is confused because she's confused and scared. I think you're her rock or friendship comfort zone, especially after her traumatic first boyfriend experience.


There are many scenarios going on, and one is that we are unsure if your friend even knows her sexual orientation at this point, she might be internally conflicted, and until she resolves that in herself, she can't answer when you straight-up ask her about it because she doesn't know herself, so the safe response would be to respond coyly and through creative means that are artistic since that appeals to both of you and also is safe from hurting the friendship.

Adding to that, it's also possible that if she were to experiment that part of herself, you'd be the prime candidate, but she's also afraid of hurting you if perhaps she tries it and discovers she doesn't swing that way.


Compounding to that, I think she's afraid or has a phobia now of linking sexual passion with emotional intimacy there seems to be a wall there, slightly because that's the psychic pathway that got exploited by this boy. It's because of her emotional loving caring side that got manipulated to then undermine her free will and actions, because of his suicidal threats. She doesn't want a repeat of that with you, and she knows people are unpredictable when coming from a place of emotional hurt.


So all these things seem to be occurring at once, and you should see the complexity if the situation now, rather than just from your surface level observations of her sending you mix messages. Now I've given you a theory of why you might be seeing mixed messages.


---
If there's anything I've ever learned heterosexual couples and same-sex couples have in common, it's that one partner in the relationship seems to always balance out the personality of the other partner, and yet also have enough commonalities to bind them together, they are never polar opposites completely. This seems to apply in this case.

[Renacatalepsy]

The first step of advice I'll tell you is to calm down. The situation is confused because she's confused and scared. I think you're her rock or friendship comfort zone, especially after her traumatic first boyfriend experience.


There are many scenarios going on, and one is that we are unsure if your friend even knows her sexual orientation at this point, she might be internally conflicted, and until she resolves that in herself, she can't answer when you straight-up ask her about it because she doesn't know herself, so the safe response would be to respond coyly and through creative means that are artistic since that appeals to both of you and also is safe from hurting the friendship.

Adding to that, it's also possible that if she were to experiment that part of herself, you'd be the prime candidate, but she's also afraid of hurting you if perhaps she tries it and discovers she doesn't swing that way.


Compounding to that, I think she's afraid or has a phobia now of linking sexual passion with emotional intimacy there seems to be a wall there, slightly because that's the psychic pathway that got exploited by this boy. It's because of her emotional loving caring side that got manipulated to then undermine her free will and actions, because of his suicidal threats. She doesn't want a repeat of that with you, and she knows people are unpredictable when coming from a place of emotional hurt.


So all these things seem to be occurring at once, and you should see the complexity if the situation now, rather than just from your surface level observations of her sending you mix messages. Now I've given you a theory of why you might be seeing mixed messages.

Thanks. With everyone else, I'm so mature and I think my way through all these situations because they aren't as complicated as mine. I sound like I'm like, 12 years old when I posted this but I'm not normally that way. I'm a hard thinker and I'm very grounded.

But when it comes to this, it's so complex that I spiral just thinking about it. It's just really hard for me to handle considering it's my own issues and when it comes to me, I fall apart before my own eyes.

I really appreciate your response, I need someone to check my own work sometimes. I'll just have to be patient.

[Uniquemind]

Thanks. With everyone else, I'm so mature and I think my way through all these situations because they aren't as complicated as mine. I sound like I'm like, 12 years old when I posted this but I'm not normally that way. I'm a hard thinker and I'm very grounded.

But when it comes to this, it's so complex that I spiral just thinking about it. It's just really hard for me to handle considering it's my own issues and when it comes to me, I fall apart before my own eyes.

I really appreciate your response, I need someone to check my own work sometimes. I'll just have to be patient.

Being thinkers is something we have in common then. I'm just good with introspection in my own cases.

[Ethan19]

A. You're gonna look for anything you want to be a signal, when in reality a lot of the things you think she is saying or doing is a flirtatious or whatever, isn't. I don't think she likes you and to me it's obvious - I don't know why it isn't to you.

B and C. I wouldn't bother over thinking it or believing it's smart or great to think about things so in depth you create your own reality. More often than not, it's obvious. Trying to develop some weird theory about how she must now think and feel is just absurd. If your really thought all this in depth crap, you'd realise they're is so much more to everything you don't know, that it's stupid to construct something about someone.
My advice, put all the crap away where you believe she is flirting with you or whatever, and just be a friend. Stop thinking so much. The best thing you could ever be to someone is a friend.

Sounds harsh and sounds like I'm ignorant to critical thinking. It is harsh because that's the only way people learn and I'm not ignorant towards it, I just think your application is stupid and misused.

[Uniquemind]

A. You're gonna look for anything you want to be a signal, when in reality a lot of the things you think she is saying or doing is a flirtatious or whatever, isn't. I don't think she likes you and to me it's obvious - I don't know why it isn't to you.

B and C. I wouldn't bother over thinking it or believing it's smart or great to think about things so in depth you create your own reality. More often than not, it's obvious. Trying to develop some weird theory about how she must now think and feel is just absurd. If your really thought all this in depth crap, you'd realise they're is so much more to everything you don't know, that it's stupid to construct something about someone.
My advice, put all the crap away where you believe she is flirting with you or whatever, and just be a friend. Stop thinking so much. The best thing you could ever be to someone is a friend.

Sounds harsh and sounds like I'm ignorant to critical thinking. It is harsh because that's the only way people learn and I'm not ignorant towards it, I just think your application is stupid and misused.


But it sounds like irl mutual friends have said it’s obvious she likes the OP so...confusion exists beyond just the OP’s mind alone.

[pumpkineater34]

I don't have advice for all of this, but I do know that some girls are totally flattered when a guy likes them. they want the guy to almost be begging, but they turn them down because they don't want to look desperate. but the girl doesn't totally shut the guys flirtatious comments down because she loves to be flattered.
I've seen this happen with some friends- just recently.
this isn't with all girls, but it could be possible! I don't know. I hope that made sense. not sure if this helped or not LOL!

[Renacatalepsy]

A. You're gonna look for anything you want to be a signal, when in reality a lot of the things you think she is saying or doing is a flirtatious or whatever, isn't. I don't think she likes you and to me it's obvious - I don't know why it isn't to you.

B and C. I wouldn't bother over thinking it or believing it's smart or great to think about things so in depth you create your own reality. More often than not, it's obvious. Trying to develop some weird theory about how she must now think and feel is just absurd. If your really thought all this in depth crap, you'd realise they're is so much more to everything you don't know, that it's stupid to construct something about someone.
My advice, put all the crap away where you believe she is flirting with you or whatever, and just be a friend. Stop thinking so much. The best thing you could ever be to someone is a friend.

Sounds harsh and sounds like I'm ignorant to critical thinking. It is harsh because that's the only way people learn and I'm not ignorant towards it, I just think your application is stupid and misused.

While I do not completely agree with your opinions on the in-depth analysis, I still appreciate your opinions. There's a possibility I'm thinking a bit too deep or that my deep thought is because of my feelings. I just won't let it go very far.

[Renacatalepsy]

I don't have advice for all of this, but I do know that some girls are totally flattered when a guy likes them. they want the guy to almost be begging, but they turn them down because they don't want to look desperate. but the girl doesn't totally shut the guys flirtatious comments down because she loves to be flattered.
I've seen this happen with some friends- just recently.
this isn't with all girls, but it could be possible! I don't know. I hope that made sense. not sure if this helped or not LOL!

She isn't really the type to do this. It made sense though, and I'm only just learning some little things about her now, because of how much our friendship is still growing. I never know, maybe she is waiting. Thanks for the response.

[Uniquemind]

But if something did happen it would be a same-sex relationship it sounds like? The OP is vaguely hinting that her being straight would not work well toward your desires. Or did I misinterpret?

[inactiveguy678]

So I'm assuming from your story you are a girl too right.

The first half of the story sounded cute and if you just wrote it and left it as such i would say go for it.

The second half however, made me kinda hesitant. For some reason that whole story with the boyfriend manipulating her may have left some sort of impact on her. No offence but her mixed messages from the first part combined with what she does when you attempt to flirt gives me an indicator that she knows more than she lets on.

To a lesser extent whether its for the good or bad, I think she might like the idea of being more than just friends but not maybe GF's with you. However, I think she is subtly manipulating you in the sense that she wants something more than just talking but doesn't want to make herself vulnerable like what happened with her bf. I actually, think this behaviour of hers is learned. From what, I see she just can't help it and means no malice by it.

So the conclusion is, just be aware of your goals and brace yourself just in case she just want some other relationship (like fwb or satisfy her bi curious tendencies). I mean it could work but the if it backfires it might do more damage than good.

[Katie2003]

I think the OP is a girl as well, but we really need to know the gender.

If it's two girls, I'd invite my friend for a sleepover, and do nothing other than cuddle in bed together. You might have to work up to that, just lay next to each other at first and I'd be sure to have on pajamas, or a t shirt and panties, but not naked the first time you do it. If you gently rest a hand in a non-sexual place such as her waist or shoulder, you'll soon learn if she is comfortable with being that close or not. If she's OK with that much, try gently patting her bottom, but don't go any further. Read her signals, listen to what she says, pay attention to how she moves, whether it's closer to you, or away from you. She may just be afraid to try things that she's unsure of but if you can show her that you can be respectful and not trying to do anything else, she may warm up to the idea of going further another time.

The furthest I'd suggest going if you aren't able to do a sleepover is to give her a long hug while standing facing each other, and then a respectful quick kiss on the cheek. That's all.

[Renacatalepsy]

Oh gosh, sorry guys, I totally didn't even recognize that I didn't reveal my gender. This is a mess- I'm female. Sorry!!

[Renacatalepsy]

But if something did happen it would be a same-sex relationship it sounds like? The OP is vaguely hinting that her being straight would not work well toward your desires. Or did I misinterpret?

Yes, I apologize, it would be same-sex. I am female.

[Renacatalepsy]

So I'm assuming from your story you are a girl too right.

The first half of the story sounded cute and if you just wrote it and left it as such i would say go for it.

The second half however, made me kinda hesitant. For some reason that whole story with the boyfriend manipulating her may have left some sort of impact on her. No offence but her mixed messages from the first part combined with what she does when you attempt to flirt gives me an indicator that she knows more than she lets on.

To a lesser extent whether its for the good or bad, I think she might like the idea of being more than just friends but not maybe GF's with you. However, I think she is subtly manipulating you in the sense that she wants something more than just talking but doesn't want to make herself vulnerable like what happened with her bf. I actually, think this behaviour of hers is learned. From what, I see she just can't help it and means no malice by it.

So the conclusion is, just be aware of your goals and brace yourself just in case she just want some other relationship (like fwb or satisfy her bi curious tendencies). I mean it could work but the if it backfires it might do more damage than good.


I understand what you're saying. She's kinda going through a healing process as this was just over a year ago. And I wouldn't be surprised if she couldn't help subtle manipulation. She told me she would like to be sort of the "in between" friendship and dating, but it's because she's afraid of relationships in general. I'm sorta trying to break her out of her shell a little bit, but I'm not forcing it.

[Renacatalepsy]

I think the OP is a girl as well, but we really need to know the gender.

If it's two girls, I'd invite my friend for a sleepover, and do nothing other than cuddle in bed together. You might have to work up to that, just lay next to each other at first and I'd be sure to have on pajamas, or a t shirt and panties, but not naked the first time you do it. If you gently rest a hand in a non-sexual place such as her waist or shoulder, you'll soon learn if she is comfortable with being that close or not. If she's OK with that much, try gently patting her bottom, but don't go any further. Read her signals, listen to what she says, pay attention to how she moves, whether it's closer to you, or away from you. She may just be afraid to try things that she's unsure of but if you can show her that you can be respectful and not trying to do anything else, she may warm up to the idea of going further another time.

The furthest I'd suggest going if you aren't able to do a sleepover is to give her a long hug while standing facing each other, and then a respectful quick kiss on the cheek. That's all.

Thanks for the advice. She can't have sleepovers, sadly. We've tried many of times.I'm happy to take your advice, though.

[inactiveguy678]

I understand what you're saying. She's kinda going through a healing process as this was just over a year ago. And I wouldn't be surprised if she couldn't help subtle manipulation. She told me she would like to be sort of the "in between" friendship and dating, but it's because she's afraid of relationships in general. I'm sorta trying to break her out of her shell a little bit, but I'm not forcing it.

Ok if thats the case please be careful...

I am sensing this "manipulation" has to with her breaking out of her shell and try not be the vulnerable one in the relationship while satisfying some repressed urges she couldn't commit to in her prior relationships.

I know this sounds cold but my first rule in establishing a real relationship (mid to long term) is always know you intentions and highlight the rules especially if its done over pre established one like this.

Again be safe make good choices. You don't want to ruin your relationship over something like this.

[Renacatalepsy]

Ok if thats the case please be careful...

I am sensing this "manipulation" has to with her breaking out of her shell and try not be the vulnerable one in the relationship while satisfying some repressed urges she couldn't commit to in her prior relationships.

I know this sounds cold but my first rule in establishing a real relationship (mid to long term) is always know you intentions and highlight the rules especially if its done over pre established one like this.

Again be safe make good choices. You don't want to ruin your relationship over something like this.

I understand, and I'll try my hardest to be careful. Thanks for the help.

[inactiveguy678]

I understand, and I'll try my hardest to be careful. Thanks for the help.

Sorry if I sound harsh if you check some of the stuff I respond to here its usually me being very direct.

Sugar coating and forcing people to put on rose tinted glasses will not get us anywhere.

[Renacatalepsy]

Sorry if I sound harsh if you check some of the stuff I respond to here its usually me being very direct.

Sugar coating and forcing people to put on rose tinted glasses will not get us anywhere.


No no, it's okay, I appreciate the directness.

[nathanlee]

I think the best relationships start precisely from friendship