Constant Disappontment/Bad Daughter

[Ilove318]

My teachers in maths and science this year suck. They bore the hell out of me and I just zone out. My parents believe that I can study on my own (basically do all the class work in my own time) and I can’t. They don’t understand that depression gets me down and I’m not motivated! Even saying this: my dad has had it in the past!!! It makes me so angry.

Two weeks ago, I was always tired and would go to sleep at 9:30. My parents said I should stay up to study, but I was so damn tired! I had a fight with them and went up, where they called me back down and started screaming at me. They made me do the dishes and my mum went up. Then my dad started yelling more and slapped me a few times. (He never does that!) He grabbed me by the hair and pushed me multiple times into the kitchen counter.

He was saying that he had given me ‘everything’ like ‘toys, money, food and antidepressants’. He said ‘why can’t that be enough?!’

It’s not fair. He thinks I can control my depression!

The only person who I could tell anything to was my great grandma, but she is gone to New Zealand and forgets things and I don’t want to burden her. I am so lonely. No friends at school, no one at home. I feel like my life is not worth living.

My dad just told me now that if I don’t pass the test he’s making me take in August, my life will be ruined because I won’t get into the right school. Usually my grandma tells me that whatever I’m doing is enough, but these days even she is like that.

IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME!!! I CAN’T DO IT. I just can’t. But I don’t want to let them down. They’ve done everything for me, and this is how I repay them.

Everyday at the train station, I want to jump onto the tracks and die. But something always stops me. I can’t keep doing this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining. Just darkness.

[Jake445]

While we have never had a situation close to yours, it sounds like you need serious help from a medical professional! We are sure that even in the US, in which we assume you live because 'you were given antidepressants' by your parents (!?), there are services to help people and especially children like you, if your parents are incapable or unwilling to do so!

You should definitely seek outside help, even if it's just from another teacher you think you can trust! For the time being, your grades shouldn't be the problem your mental health should though, and it would be best if you could somehow make that clear to your parents! Whatever you decide on, suicide can't possibly be the answer!

[Ilove318]

While we have never had a situation close to yours, it sounds like you need serious help from a medical professional! We are sure that even in the US, in which we assume you live because 'you were given antidepressants' by your parents (!?), there are services to help people and especially children like you, if your parents are incapable or unwilling to do so!

You should definitely seek outside help, even if it's just from another teacher you think you can trust! For the time being, your grades shouldn't be the problem your mental health should though, and it would be best if you could somehow make that clear to your parents! Whatever you decide on, suicide can't possibly be the answer!

I live in Australia, but my dad is my doctor. This has been happening for nearly 2 years, but now it’s worse because he wants me to move schools. I have to study so hard and pass that test. I can’t though, and he is angry when I say that. My mum supports him and they went and spend $200 on books to practice from. I feel bad that their hard earned money is going to waste, but I just can’t. All my grades are dropping, they know that, and that’s all they care about.

He’s watching me now, so I can’t really say much more.

[Jake445]

I live in Australia, but my dad is my doctor. This has been happening for nearly 2 years, but now it’s worse because he wants me to move schools. I have to study so hard and pass that test. I can’t though, and he is angry when I say that. My mum supports him and they went and spend $200 on books to practice from. I feel bad that their hard earned money is going to waste, but I just can’t. All my grades are dropping, they know that, and that’s all they care about.

He’s watching me now, so I can’t really say much more.

Your dad being your doctor does make things more complicated, but we still think you should get outside help if you can't talk to your parents about serious things like your mental health! Your dad shouldn't get angry about that, he should try to help you overcome your problems, and books aren't going to manage that, you know that! Do they know you are having Suicidal ideation, meaning serious thought about suicide? Have you ever had therapy or even a meeting with a psychiatrist?

[Uniquemind]

Is your doctor dad, a psychologist? His specialty might be biological and physical medicine but he might need to get you therapy and he should be understanding of that.

Popping pills for emotional problems is not the go to solution for many people.

Your what age, 13? That’s young and you got your whole life ahead of you.

There is some discipline involved in studying yes, but the first step is to center yourself emotionally first so focus can be applied to studies. If you can’t study alone perhaps a tutor who can guide you and keep you focused would be better for 2 or hour sessions a week.

—-

Your parents getting physical with you though, that a concern and a legal concern too.

[Phosphene]

They're putting a lot of pressure on you and not expecting you to be phased at all? That's pretty unreasonable. And your dad, as a doctor, should understand you can't just choose not to be depressed. Motivation doesn't come easily when you're weighed down by depression, and I agree with Uniquemind that a tutor could help you stay focused and ensure you're learning and completing your work. If the physicaal abuse persists, you should tell someone so it doesn't escalate further. Do the anti-depressants help? Seeing a therapist in addition to (or instead of) these is something you should consider. And keep posting here if it makes you feel better - we're here to support you. Remember, suicide is never the answer; things can't improve if you don't give them the chance to. Stay strong and keep showing your parents that you are trying <3

[Uniquemind]

http://ijpr.org/post/perils-pushing-kids-too-hard-and-how-parents-can-learn-back#stream/0


I posted this too in the mental crisis forum, but this is extremely relevant to the OP and I hope it’s some comfort for her to know she’s not alone.


Her parents need to be educated on RECENT findings that seem to affect middle and upper class teens at a significant level, despite monied backgrounds. Dr father or not, he’s still human, a human who will let biased emotion influence how he socializes with his child. Same goes to her mom.

[Ilove318]

Is your doctor dad, a psychologist? His specialty might be biological and physical medicine but he might need to get you therapy and he should be understanding of that.

Popping pills for emotional problems is not the go to solution for many people.

Your what age, 13? That’s young and you got your whole life ahead of you.

There is some discipline involved in studying yes, but the first step is to center yourself emotionally first so focus can be applied to studies. If you can’t study alone perhaps a tutor who can guide you and keep you focused would be better for 2 or hour sessions a week.

—-

Your parents getting physical with you though, that a concern and a legal concern too.

They're putting a lot of pressure on you and not expecting you to be phased at all? That's pretty unreasonable. And your dad, as a doctor, should understand you can't just choose not to be depressed. Motivation doesn't come easily when you're weighed down by depression, and I agree with Uniquemind that a tutor could help you stay focused and ensure you're learning and completing your work. If the physicaal abuse persists, you should tell someone so it doesn't escalate further. Do the anti-depressants help? Seeing a therapist in addition to (or instead of) these is something you should consider. And keep posting here if it makes you feel better - we're here to support you. Remember, suicide is never the answer; things can't improve if you don't give them the chance to. Stay strong and keep showing your parents that you are trying <3

http://ijpr.org/post/perils-pushing-kids-too-hard-and-how-parents-can-learn-back#stream/0


I posted this too in the mental crisis forum, but this is extremely relevant to the OP and I hope it’s some comfort for her to know she’s not alone.


Her parents need to be educated on RECENT findings that seem to affect middle and upper class teens at a significant level, despite monied backgrounds. Dr father or not, he’s still human, a human who will let biased emotion influence how he socializes with his child. Same goes to her mom.

Your dad being your doctor does make things more complicated, but we still think you should get outside help if you can't talk to your parents about serious things like your mental health! Your dad shouldn't get angry about that, he should try to help you overcome your problems, and books aren't going to manage that, you know that! Do they know you are having Suicidal ideation, meaning serious thought about suicide? Have you ever had therapy or even a meeting with a psychiatrist?

My dad is a GP. I read the article on the link and it was so true! I just wish I could show it to my parents. All we ever talk about are studies and grades, so I tend to avoid them these days. I can’t tell my school counsellor everything, because then she’ll have to talk to them. They don’t even know I see her.

Despite everything, I still love my parents. They were always there for me when I was little and were actually so nice! I don’t know what changed. Every time I get angry at them for over pressuring me, I get this thought about how one day, they won’t be there, and when I think back, all I’ll remember is yelling at them.

These guilty thoughts dominate my mind.

The idea of a tutor sounds good, but I’m not sure if I’d be up to it. My parents would be angry that I’m wasting their money. They know so much, yet I refuse to learn from them! I have to go now...

[Jake445]

You really should consider talking openly to your school counselor! Your parents getting involved with her and hearing about your problems from a respectable adult may change there mind! Also, you need to see an actual psychologist! We are sure your school counselor can work with you, and hopefully your parents, to make that happen as soon as possible!

Your parents are of course doing everything they do because they want you to have a bright and successful future, but as said there are only human too and it seems like they are really overdoing things!

A tutor would be helpful for your grades no dought, but your having untreated depression and especially suicidal ideation is absolutely the massively more serious and important problem right now, for you and for your parents!

[Uniquemind]

My dad is a GP. I read the article on the link and it was so true! I just wish I could show it to my parents. All we ever talk about are studies and grades, so I tend to avoid them these days. I can’t tell my school counsellor everything, because then she’ll have to talk to them. They don’t even know I see her.

Despite everything, I still love my parents. They were always there for me when I was little and were actually so nice! I don’t know what changed. Every time I get angry at them for over pressuring me, I get this thought about how one day, they won’t be there, and when I think back, all I’ll remember is yelling at them.

These guilty thoughts dominate my mind.

The idea of a tutor sounds good, but I’m not sure if I’d be up to it. My parents would be angry that I’m wasting their money. They know so much, yet I refuse to learn from them! I have to go now...

It's a negative feedback loop, the more they intensify on you, the more withdrawn you get, the more withdrawn behavior they see from you like shutting yourself up in room with sleep, the more they interpret that as unmotivation or undiscipline, so then it's back to more lectures.


I don't think they get that, I don't think the latest medical information on teen sleep and depression studies were a thing when your dad was in medical school.

The only reason I know about this is because I read the news and various psychological scholarly studies on sleep and depression because my school gave me access to scholarly database articles of medical journals. It's also been mentioned in the news a lot.

From an academic and scholarly standpoint, SLEEP has only been studied over the last 70-80 years, it's a relatively new field of study and it's being linked strongly with hormonal and neurology changes during the teenage years which are chaotic.


To be honest I would really suggest showing these links to your dad AND mom, and since you are willing to get a tutor, put that as a negotiating piece on the table to say you are willing to try; genuinely do try too. It's just hard for you to focus without a person present it isn't your learning style.

But if it comes down to wasting $, then the conversation changes, but denote and mentally notice the shift in conversation here. It becomes about $ rather than just motivating you, so then it seems the problem is two-fold: their perceived behavior and their fear of losing $ (or maybe it's just your fear of wasting their $, is that coming from your own negative thoughts or is that what they told you?)

Don't ever question your parents about them caring about you, but also notice that a the money variable entered the equation, and it's usually not really the issue, most parents who care will spend $ on their children's well-being without a blink if they think it'll help their child (exceptions: when parents have drug additions and spend $ chasing highs rather than on their kin, or just really immature parents).




-------

My next piece of advices comes from a place asking about HOW you are studying now and if a close specific inspection of what study methods you are utilizing are indeed optimized for you.

There is definitely a case to be made that the pace of study and workload has dramatically increased our parent's era.

In that sense their schooling days are not comparable to ours, the pace of work the dependence on knowing how to work technology fluidly like word document, powerpoint, computer-printer connectivity, social media and how to use research databases for school proj. are all things our parent's generation learned in COLLEGE NOT high school.

The standards are raised and the pressure difference should be acknowledged between the generations so as to logically explain the basis for sympathy.


So that being said;

1. make sure you are reading your textbooks and looking at the headlined bold sections when you need to skim to find specific answers to Q&A type questions in homework and study guides



2. Once you have the answers to Q&A, use flashcards to study, and drill yourself on the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHY, HOW of each question. DO NOT just play a memorization game, those don't help people with the type of test questions that are semantic (meaning logically constructed by meaning and intent and how one event leads to event the next event, History is one example where this type of study is important). Also math word problems and logic problems are another.



Take breaks after 1 hour of intense study, 15-20 break on a timer, and then once break over, resume study for another hour.



I have more advice but I will pause here until you ask me for more. Good luck!



P.S. I know people (older siblings of friends) who never got into a UC or Ivy League right away, but did the community college thing first, and then transferred and then got into the UC they had gotten rejected from in high school.

End result is maybe you aren't 18 when you get into that UC school you want, maybe you are in your 20's when that happens, POINT IS YOU CAN GET IN, it isn't doom and gloom because you didn't ace everything the first time. The point is to never give up.


Also my mom's friend's sister, was always the younger and excelling of her generation, and she became a very successful doctor, married happily, and then in her mid-late 20's suffered schizophrenia and then divorce after that.


So despite any apparent success to your peers have over you in the present, you never know what the future might bring, DO NOT SOCIALLY COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!!!!!!!! It is meaningless to do so, compare yourself to other possible versions (better versions) of what you COULD BE if you try.

Stay in the game

[Just JT]

You need an impartial adult on your side.
Your dad is your doc, and what you describe imo is abuse, and there’s no room in my world to treat anyone like that

Him being a doc he should be able to understand your medical meds better, regardless if they are physical or emotional or what....

You should talk to a school counselor, priest, minister, anyone who will listen to you with your best interests in mind.

Nobody should go through this treatment or depression alone.....and you are....and that sucks....

[Ilove318]

It's a negative feedback loop, the more they intensify on you, the more withdrawn you get, the more withdrawn behavior they see from you like shutting yourself up in room with sleep, the more they interpret that as unmotivation or undiscipline, so then it's back to more lectures.


I don't think they get that, I don't think the latest medical information on teen sleep and depression studies were a thing when your dad was in medical school.

The only reason I know about this is because I read the news and various psychological scholarly studies on sleep and depression because my school gave me access to scholarly database articles of medical journals. It's also been mentioned in the news a lot.

From an academic and scholarly standpoint, SLEEP has only been studied over the last 70-80 years, it's a relatively new field of study and it's being linked strongly with hormonal and neurology changes during the teenage years which are chaotic.


To be honest I would really suggest showing these links to your dad AND mom, and since you are willing to get a tutor, put that as a negotiating piece on the table to say you are willing to try; genuinely do try too. It's just hard for you to focus without a person present it isn't your learning style.

But if it comes down to wasting $, then the conversation changes, but denote and mentally notice the shift in conversation here. It becomes about $ rather than just motivating you, so then it seems the problem is two-fold: their perceived behavior and their fear of losing $ (or maybe it's just your fear of wasting their $, is that coming from your own negative thoughts or is that what they told you?)

Don't ever question your parents about them caring about you, but also notice that a the money variable entered the equation, and it's usually not really the issue, most parents who care will spend $ on their children's well-being without a blink if they think it'll help their child (exceptions: when parents have drug additions and spend $ chasing highs rather than on their kin, or just really immature parents).




-------

My next piece of advices comes from a place asking about HOW you are studying now and if a close specific inspection of what study methods you are utilizing are indeed optimized for you.

There is definitely a case to be made that the pace of study and workload has dramatically increased our parent's era.

In that sense their schooling days are not comparable to ours, the pace of work the dependence on knowing how to work technology fluidly like word document, powerpoint, computer-printer connectivity, social media and how to use research databases for school proj. are all things our parent's generation learned in COLLEGE NOT high school.

The standards are raised and the pressure difference should be acknowledged between the generations so as to logically explain the basis for sympathy.


So that being said;

1. make sure you are reading your textbooks and looking at the headlined bold sections when you need to skim to find specific answers to Q&A type questions in homework and study guides



2. Once you have the answers to Q&A, use flashcards to study, and drill yourself on the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHY, HOW of each question. DO NOT just play a memorization game, those don't help people with the type of test questions that are semantic (meaning logically constructed by meaning and intent and how one event leads to event the next event, History is one example where this type of study is important). Also math word problems and logic problems are another.



Take breaks after 1 hour of intense study, 15-20 break on a timer, and then once break over, resume study for another hour.



I have more advice but I will pause here until you ask me for more. Good luck!



P.S. I know people (older siblings of friends) who never got into a UC or Ivy League right away, but did the community college thing first, and then transferred and then got into the UC they had gotten rejected from in high school.

End result is maybe you aren't 18 when you get into that UC school you want, maybe you are in your 20's when that happens, POINT IS YOU CAN GET IN, it isn't doom and gloom because you didn't ace everything the first time. The point is to never give up.


Also my mom's friend's sister, was always the younger and excelling of her generation, and she became a very successful doctor, married happily, and then in her mid-late 20's suffered schizophrenia and then divorce after that.


So despite any apparent success to your peers have over you in the present, you never know what the future might bring, DO NOT SOCIALLY COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!!!!!!!! It is meaningless to do so, compare yourself to other possible versions (better versions) of what you COULD BE if you try.

Stay in the game

You need an impartial adult on your side.
Your dad is your doc, and what you describe imo is abuse, and there’s no room in my world to treat anyone like that

Him being a doc he should be able to understand your medical meds better, regardless if they are physical or emotional or what....

You should talk to a school counselor, priest, minister, anyone who will listen to you with your best interests in mind.

Nobody should go through this treatment or depression alone.....and you are....and that sucks....

You really should consider talking openly to your school counselor! Your parents getting involved with her and hearing about your problems from a respectable adult may change there mind! Also, you need to see an actual psychologist! We are sure your school counselor can work with you, and hopefully your parents, to make that happen as soon as possible!

Your parents are of course doing everything they do because they want you to have a bright and successful future, but as said there are only human too and it seems like they are really overdoing things!

A tutor would be helpful for your grades no dought, but your having untreated depression and especially suicidal ideation is absolutely the massively more serious and important problem right now, for you and for your parents!

I want to be able to do this, to talk to the counsellor, but I just don’t have the courage to do it. When I attempted suicide in 2017, they spent a week telling me how I should never do that and then it was forgotten. That was the reason I was started on antidepressants, but no one ever mentions the words 'depression' and 'suicide' around me. These days when I hear them, I cringe. I actually can't say the words! Just saying the words will make me want to die.

This girl in my family (distant, so I didn't know her) died by suicide because her boyfriend dumped her. I can't say that was a good solution, because it wasn't, but I made me so angry when everyone in my close family were talking about her like it was all her fault and she was stupid and dumb. It makes me so angry...

Honestly, since that 2017 attempt, I have been on the verge of trying again. The only reason I didn't was because I needed my mum to be asleep, but she wasn't, so I couldn't follow through.

I know this is bad, but I can't bring myself to burden them or anyone else.

[nickole999]

You need an impartial adult on your side.
Your dad is your doc, and what you describe imo is abuse, and there’s no room in my world to treat anyone like that

Him being a doc he should be able to understand your medical meds better, regardless if they are physical or emotional or what....

You should talk to a school counselor, priest, minister, anyone who will listen to you with your best interests in mind.

Nobody should go through this treatment or depression alone.....and you are....and that sucks....

absolutely agree! And I see toxic parents here

[thomasdown92]

You are not a disappointment or a bad daughter! Depression is tough to deal with and at times, even your loved ones don't seem to get you. It seems like your parents especially your dad needs to get a clear picture of what depression really is. If your school has a counselor, talk to him/her and see if they can put some perspective into your dad's mind. Once he understands the psychology behind depression, your dad will truly get your struggle and be more supportive. And always remember that you are not alone! There are thousands of such teens fighting this depression monster and we will always stand up for each other. All the best!

[yeehaw]

This thread was bumped. :locked: