Relationship with parents of the person you are dating

[Katie2003]

This one could be difficult, it's new to me anyway. How do you maintain a polite and friendly relationship with the parents of the person you are dating, particularly when the parents aren't totally thrilled about you dating?

I have a new girlfriend "B" who is going to turn 19 in a few weeks, she's in my sister's class at school and they are graduating now. My sis actually introduced us, they aren't close friends but knew each other and B asked my sis if she thought I would go out with her if she asked me. That was like 2 weeks ago.

We spent some time talking, we walked home from school together, and had our first date Friday evening, then she slept over afterward. It was the best date of my life so far, and she treats me with kindness and respect, much more than anyone else I have ever dated before. We had sex after our date, which I am always open to on first dates with the girls I go out with as it helps me establish a connection and decide if we are compatible enough to go further with dating or starting a relationship.

Yesterday, her mom found out that we had sex and that I had just turned 15, (B was honest and open with her mom about it) and her mom totally freaked out. My mom has known her mom since high school, while they are not close friends either they talk to each other at school events or if they see each other out shopping or something. Mom says that B's mom has always been easily agitated and is someone who is deeply involved in her kid's lives, usually the mom who asks too many questions or starts stuff at school meetings, but basically just a very concerned mom.

So today after church me and mom went over to B's house for me to meet her mom for the first time, and to discuss the problems her mom has with us dating due to the difference in our ages. She's got major concerns about the difference in maturity levels, and the legality of our having sex since the age of consent is 16 and B is currently 18. Being a behavioral psychologist, my mom knows how to talk to people, and was able to reassure B's mom (it wasn't easy though) that she wasn't going to file any complaint if I wanted to have sex with B, and that she had always encouraged me to safely and cautiously explore my sexuality. My mom has no issues with me dating B as I had another 18 year old gf last summer when I was only 14.

We finally reached an agreement that I can continue dating B, but that her family does not want to know about any future sexual activity and her mom strictly warned both of us not to ever do it at their house when the parents or any of her siblings were at home. She says she would rather not know about it, that way she can deny any knowledge of it should it ever come to that. As part of our agreement, B is also being punished for not telling her mom about me being 15. My mom says that's her parents right, and not to say anything or try to interfere. Her mom suggested that I needed to be punished as well, but my mom doesn't think so as she says I haven't done anything wrong. B's mom says that's my mom's choice, and she was only making a suggestion as to what she would do with her own kids.

So I can see future problems here just being nice to B's mom, since we plan to continue dating. I don't want to be impolite, and def don't want to lie to her mom about anything, nor do I want B to lie to her mom. Not telling everything (like about having sex) isn't lying though, it's more like protecting her from getting into any further trouble. I wonder what's going to happen when B goes to college in the fall, how strict her mom is going to be then?

How would you guys handle this situation? I need to and want to be nice to her parents, and there's no way of avoiding them if we are going to be a couple. I think we are OK for right now, but it looks like I will be walking on eggs trying not to upset her parents in the future and I'm not thrilled about that. Her mom does say we are a cute couple, and seem well suited toward each other, which is the most positive thing that came out of our discussion. I think she actually likes me and was kinda surprised that I was able to act in a responsible manner by bringing my mom over to have this discussion with her.

[EmilyD4]

Well I think it was good that you were so open and honest. Maybe more than most people usually are! That will help her parents learn to trust you, which is super important

[Katie2003]

I know that gaining trust is not easy, and getting off on the wrong foot can be difficult to recover from. But I'm hoping all the same that her parents will see that I am able to handle myself appropriately for my age and then some. It should be obvious to B's mom that I am not stupid, and that I want everyone involved to be comfortable with the two of us continuing to date. From what I have been able to find out, B has less experience dating than I do, so part of her mom's uneasiness over all of this could be because of that. But her mom is totally OK with her dating girls and B has apparently been open about that for several years already. She has never been out with a boy.

B told me just a few minutes ago that her mom was totally impressed that I brought my mom over to talk to her mom. That makes me feel we are going to be OK if we keep communication open and honest.

[Mollypop]

This is what makes dating more complicated when you're underage. If you're both adults, then it's nobody's business but the two of you. But if either or both are underage, then you're talking about as many as six people involved. The two who are dating, and up to two parents each. And maybe more if any of the parents got divorced and remarried.

You've handled this about as well as you possibly could. And at least nobody's trying to turn you into Juliet and Juliet. Or whatever you'd call it with two girls. That would be much worse for everyone involved.

[StacyD]

You have no choice. You are a minor. She is their daughter. They are her parents. They will ALWAYS, most likely, be a huge part of her life. You, most likely, will not. She will also, most likely, always value their opinions, their beliefs, their approval, etc. And, their ability to influence her will be in place for a long time to come, particularly as she goes off to college and is unable to live on her own. So, point being, she will at some point defer to them. Unless and until she is willing to go off completely on her own, and sever all ties with them, they will be part of her life and she will do most of what they say or want. You, in the meantime, still have to grow up. And, you're still a kid. You should be respectful and civil to her parents regardless of whether you have your tongue shoved up this girl's vag or whether your just her friend. Bottom line, in the end, it makes little difference what you think or how you feel about the situation. She is still very much mommy and daddy's girl and you are very much still a little underage girl. Parents win. Deal with it and be civil.

[BlackParadePixie]

maybe you should think about these sort of things next time before you just fuck someone.

[inactiveguy678]

I've honestly been in a similar situation of having sex with someone significantly older 14 vs 19. Unfortunately, unlike your mom, my parents are probably not going to take it well knowing that they are baby boomers. I of course hid it and I wasn't open to having a relationship with someone older other than sex since i know maturity levels might be a barrier later on in the relationship. My older siblings on the other hand knew about this but were pretty much cool with it except for some judgemental side comments.

Disclaimer I might sound judgemental in the next few paragraphs but since since this issue is very near and dear to me given my experiences I'm going to be fully honest with you. If you ask my opinion i actually approve of your relationship with SO but have some comments regarding the mom.

With this in mind, I think you are pretty much good in the sense that your mom negotiated some very fair terms with your SO's mom (now labeled as SOM). You cannot expect to change the belief system of the SOM since as your mom described it she is a concerned mom who doesn't seem to be too nosy just involved.

It really within her rights to feel this way and truth be told you kinda got out easy on this one. However, what i'm getting at from this tone is that you expect SOM to change her whole way of thinking in a instant just because she approves you dating. This changing of mindset is not really realistic or fair to her since its obvious from the narrative that she really cares about everyone in this picture not just her daughter but you. I think she also wants to protect you from fall outs of age differences not just the legal implications of having sex with a minor.

I think all on in all SOM trusts you mostly because of your mom and how things were explained. Otherwise, she would never agree to any of these in the first place. What you need to work on though is bridging gaps in your relationship. How do you do it? Possibly, by just letting time pass by you are not really walking on eggs but possibly a mine field because a little misstep might be the wrong type of pressure in your already delicate relationship with her. You can't afford to offend her because frankly I don't think she really approves of your relationship but agrees with it for the sake of her daughter.

[Katie2003]

Thanks for all the replies so far! I realize that Brianna's mom is concerned for both of us, not just for her daughter. I went over there for a few hours after school yesterday and things seemed to go fairly well. Her mom hugged me and asked me if I was OK with everything that had taken place the day before. I told her I was fine with it and thanked her for showing concern for my behavior. Nothing really negative was said, and there were smiles. The three of us sat in their kitchen and had iced tea, and talked, then me and Brianna sat in her room and talked for a long time.

I did learn more from talking to her that I hadn't known before. She's only been in one relationship before which was a couple years ago and the other girl broke it off because her mom was too controlling about the details of her life. My mom says Brianna's mom is never going to change since she's always been this way. She is totally immersed in every aspect of her kids lives and extremely cautious about who they are allowed to associate with, and what sort of things they do. Brianna is the oldest, none of the others are old enough to date yet, and she tells me she constantly feels like her mom is using her as the experiment to figure out how to raise her younger siblings, and is always setting her behavior in front of the others as an example of what to do or what not to do. I understand that being a parent is not an easy thing in life, but from what I can see Brianna's parents are about the strictest I have ever heard about.

[inactiveguy678]

Thanks for all the replies so far! I realize that Brianna's mom is concerned for both of us, not just for her daughter. I went over there for a few hours after school yesterday and things seemed to go fairly well. Her mom hugged me and asked me if I was OK with everything that had taken place the day before. I told her I was fine with it and thanked her for showing concern for my behavior. Nothing really negative was said, and there were smiles. The three of us sat in their kitchen and had iced tea, and talked, then me and Brianna sat in her room and talked for a long time.

I did learn more from talking to her that I hadn't known before. She's only been in one relationship before which was a couple years ago and the other girl broke it off because her mom was too controlling about the details of her life. My mom says Brianna's mom is never going to change since she's always been this way. She is totally immersed in every aspect of her kids lives and extremely cautious about who they are allowed to associate with, and what sort of things they do. Brianna is the oldest, none of the others are old enough to date yet, and she tells me she constantly feels like her mom is using her as the experiment to figure out how to raise her younger siblings, and is always setting her behavior in front of the others as an example of what to do or what not to do. I understand that being a parent is not an easy thing in life, but from what I can see Brianna's parents are about the strictest I have ever heard about.

Aww thats good to know!

Though I understand the ground rules better since I didn't get from your initial stories that the siblings were younger.

[Lucy G]

Thanks for all the replies so far! I realize that Brianna's mom is concerned for both of us, not just for her daughter. I went over there for a few hours after school yesterday and things seemed to go fairly well. Her mom hugged me and asked me if I was OK with everything that had taken place the day before. I told her I was fine with it and thanked her for showing concern for my behavior. Nothing really negative was said, and there were smiles. The three of us sat in their kitchen and had iced tea, and talked, then me and Brianna sat in her room and talked for a long time.

I did learn more from talking to her that I hadn't known before. She's only been in one relationship before which was a couple years ago and the other girl broke it off because her mom was too controlling about the details of her life. My mom says Brianna's mom is never going to change since she's always been this way. She is totally immersed in every aspect of her kids lives and extremely cautious about who they are allowed to associate with, and what sort of things they do. Brianna is the oldest, none of the others are old enough to date yet, and she tells me she constantly feels like her mom is using her as the experiment to figure out how to raise her younger siblings, and is always setting her behavior in front of the others as an example of what to do or what not to do. I understand that being a parent is not an easy thing in life, but from what I can see Brianna's parents are about the strictest I have ever heard about.

Although I'm in the UK this is v useful to me. I also have a crush on an older girl at my school and, personally would like it to be more, but I'm 14 and she's 16, almost 17. She knows I like her and I think it's reciprocated but I'm so shy and useless I can't go to the next stage, whatever that might be. Reading through your experience and some of the replies seems to open this whole grey area up a bit, at least for me.

[Katie2003]

Although I'm in the UK this is v useful to me. I also have a crush on an older girl at my school and, personally would like it to be more, but I'm 14 and she's 16, almost 17. She knows I like her and I think it's reciprocated but I'm so shy and useless I can't go to the next stage, whatever that might be. Reading through your experience and some of the replies seems to open this whole grey area up a bit, at least for me.

Lucy, I think you should cautiously explore the possibilities with the girl you like. I always like to be the more submissive partner in any dating situation or relationship and it's hard for me to approach someone to ask them for a date. But it really shouldn't be a problem for someone to ask someone they like, and I know that's something I need to get over. I know how to talk to people, just don't want to be seen as aggressive so I need to learn how all of that works.

Try just talking to her about anything at all, the weather, school, whatever so it will build your confidence. Then once you are more comfortable, ask if she'd be interested in doing something together, which could be a simple as going out to lunch or to a movie. You need to find a way to make it clear to her that you want this to be more than just friends.