andehrooh
June 6th, 2018, 07:00 PM
I just need to ramble here about some thoughts I've been having. There's probably contradictions in here, but my pace of thought is so rapid I can't help it
I've never been an emotional person in my 15 years, (when I say emotional I mean affectionate and loving) but something's changed in me recently in the past few months. In the UK, everyone in Year 11 are doing their exams, once we finish them we're done with school (unless you stay on for sixth form). Our exams end next week and after that I'm moving on to college.
In my school year, everyone is split up into friend groups. Some are more high profile, and some of them like to go under the radar. There's this girl in one of the friend groups who I developed a small thing for back in around March, but it's really awkward because we've never had a proper conversation before. She likes to just be with her friend group, and to be quite honest you'd never know they existed apart from being in lessons. I saw something in her back in March (I really couldn't remember what) so in the following months I would always find myself glancing her way in lessons. Nothing really came out of this, I didn't think too much about her, but starting halfway through last month (when our exams first started) things really started to escalate for me. I can't really explain why, but I really started to admire her. Honest to God, I think she's perfect. I saw her a lot less during these exams as lessons had ended, so every time I saw her I'd start to get the old butterflies in your stomach cliche feeling. I don't know if it's just pure admiration or what, but I think it seems kinds of creepy that I like this girl so much, yet I can't think of a time we talked outside of work.
Anyway, for the past few weeks I've been trying to work up the courage to talk to her. I've been a very socially awkward guy around girls for quite a few years, so I find it extremely difficult getting to know people. I'm completely find around my friends, some I've only known a year or two, but the second I'm away from them I'm a completely different person, not necessarily a truer me but one with a more caring and affectionate mindset. Since I didn't have a thing for her in lessons previously, in those ones I was a total asshole. I would always mess around with my friends and now that I look back at it, I was genuinely being obnoxious . I have a tendency to swear, talk a lot in lessons when I'm with friends and to be quite honest I think I appeared like a careless dick to her. I think she knows about me having a softer side to because of my social media posts, or maybe she hasn't noticed anything at all.
Since we only come in to school for exams, I can't talk to her in person because we all just leave afterwards and I assume she's with her friends. I do have her on instagram, but I've never DM'd her before so I think it would seem kind of suspicious that I'd want to talk to her when school's pretty much over. I really don't know any ways how to start a conversation, because she doesn't let many people know her. I know this will seem odd, but I also have quite a large fear that she could possibly be a lesbian too. I know that she has an older sister who is one, and I assume that they're close enough for her sister to have some influence on her. I'm only adding this in because it would honestly be the most awkward way to be turned down.
Despite that, I still seem to have strong feelings for her, and I really can't explain why. Maybe that's just how attraction works for some people. I've been having an internal conflict of sorts for the past few weeks, contemplating talking to her and then shooting that idea down with pessimistic views of everything, only to consider it again, and the cycle continues. At the moment, I'm supposed to be doing my revision (studying) at home, but I find myself unable to revise, just constantly having the same thoughts, wanting to care for someone I don't know much about, yet not having the guts to admit it meanwhile I have a complete lack of confidence the whole time so I can't rack up the courage to say anything to her, even if I wanted to. I think it's starting to take me to the point of minor depression, and I think this could overall have a negative impact on my exam results.
Anybody got any thoughts or ideas on what I could do to try and better the situation for myself? Also feel free to point out any contradictions / errors in this.
I've never been an emotional person in my 15 years, (when I say emotional I mean affectionate and loving) but something's changed in me recently in the past few months. In the UK, everyone in Year 11 are doing their exams, once we finish them we're done with school (unless you stay on for sixth form). Our exams end next week and after that I'm moving on to college.
In my school year, everyone is split up into friend groups. Some are more high profile, and some of them like to go under the radar. There's this girl in one of the friend groups who I developed a small thing for back in around March, but it's really awkward because we've never had a proper conversation before. She likes to just be with her friend group, and to be quite honest you'd never know they existed apart from being in lessons. I saw something in her back in March (I really couldn't remember what) so in the following months I would always find myself glancing her way in lessons. Nothing really came out of this, I didn't think too much about her, but starting halfway through last month (when our exams first started) things really started to escalate for me. I can't really explain why, but I really started to admire her. Honest to God, I think she's perfect. I saw her a lot less during these exams as lessons had ended, so every time I saw her I'd start to get the old butterflies in your stomach cliche feeling. I don't know if it's just pure admiration or what, but I think it seems kinds of creepy that I like this girl so much, yet I can't think of a time we talked outside of work.
Anyway, for the past few weeks I've been trying to work up the courage to talk to her. I've been a very socially awkward guy around girls for quite a few years, so I find it extremely difficult getting to know people. I'm completely find around my friends, some I've only known a year or two, but the second I'm away from them I'm a completely different person, not necessarily a truer me but one with a more caring and affectionate mindset. Since I didn't have a thing for her in lessons previously, in those ones I was a total asshole. I would always mess around with my friends and now that I look back at it, I was genuinely being obnoxious . I have a tendency to swear, talk a lot in lessons when I'm with friends and to be quite honest I think I appeared like a careless dick to her. I think she knows about me having a softer side to because of my social media posts, or maybe she hasn't noticed anything at all.
Since we only come in to school for exams, I can't talk to her in person because we all just leave afterwards and I assume she's with her friends. I do have her on instagram, but I've never DM'd her before so I think it would seem kind of suspicious that I'd want to talk to her when school's pretty much over. I really don't know any ways how to start a conversation, because she doesn't let many people know her. I know this will seem odd, but I also have quite a large fear that she could possibly be a lesbian too. I know that she has an older sister who is one, and I assume that they're close enough for her sister to have some influence on her. I'm only adding this in because it would honestly be the most awkward way to be turned down.
Despite that, I still seem to have strong feelings for her, and I really can't explain why. Maybe that's just how attraction works for some people. I've been having an internal conflict of sorts for the past few weeks, contemplating talking to her and then shooting that idea down with pessimistic views of everything, only to consider it again, and the cycle continues. At the moment, I'm supposed to be doing my revision (studying) at home, but I find myself unable to revise, just constantly having the same thoughts, wanting to care for someone I don't know much about, yet not having the guts to admit it meanwhile I have a complete lack of confidence the whole time so I can't rack up the courage to say anything to her, even if I wanted to. I think it's starting to take me to the point of minor depression, and I think this could overall have a negative impact on my exam results.
Anybody got any thoughts or ideas on what I could do to try and better the situation for myself? Also feel free to point out any contradictions / errors in this.