Extremely depressed... I don't even know who I am any more

[Miserabilia]

I am so many people.
I have started being different people for different situations from a very young age.
I went in so far that I lost myself and by now I don't even know who I am any more. I have no personality, it's all lost in layers and layers of fake and anger and sadness, and I can't even express it.

I act happy, I act angry, I act mean, I act nice, but I never really find myself in it because I have never expressed myself that way.
I can't escape that pattern because I am so afraid that they will judge me,
and I don't want people to know me and know what I do.

I'm really afraid that the people close to me will dislike me and finally give up, but what's worse is the strangers and the people that I don't even know.
How will I get to know new people, what version of me will I use to get to know them, I can't even keep up with it.

I don't even want to go outside because I am so afraid that they will judge me for it even though I don't show it on the outside, I try to act funny or extrovert around friends and to act nice to family but really what do I care?
I don't even know if I care about anything.

I really want to do something with my life but I know I'll get nowhere because I am no one.
Look at all those succesful people and all those nice people and all those HAPPY people.

They all have a personality, they all have ups and downs but I don't even know what I am doing.
I have never known and I'll never learn because I can not stop lying about it,
whether it is in real life or on here;

how can I tell people the truth about what I am thinking if I don't even know it myself because I lie to myself and others, and why?
For them?

I'm really lost right now, and even though I thought I was doing better I feel extremely depressed and I don't want to bother going to school or doing anything, even though eventualy I will, and I will be a person, and I will do things and say things and study and do everything that people expect me to do, just because they expect me too.

[Karkat]

I can relate to this a lot. I was abused growing up (and still am to some extent), so I had to make three personalities. One for mom, one for dad, one for me.

Then there was my friends. My friends who turned into enemies. I got so emotionally skewed that I didn't know who I was anymore.

Last night, actually, I had a manic episode that kind of lead to a nervous breakdown, questioning identity, reality, feeling lost, and dead inside.

I don't really have any advice, because I'm probably going to be short on advice for a little while, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[Hanson]

Sometimes I have similar problems like you. Books may ease my hard feelings and I discovered the different sides of myself. Have you read chicken soup of the souls ?

[DiamondsGirl]

I don't have any advice, unfortunately... but I believe it takes more than mere words to make you feel better. But here is what I can tell you: you're not alone. And everything will turn out for the better. Might not seem like it right now, but it will. It will, because you control your life.

I've gone through my share of depression. I remember feeling almost exactly the way you feel. Who am I? Why do I even exist? If I don't feel anything, why am I alive? Should I be who I want to be? What if they judge? What if I lose everything?

The solution that works best for me is writing. I wrote almost every night in my laptop; what do I currently feel, what am I thinking about, what I want in life, what my interests are, and so on. I use those notes to get to know myself better and, eventually, make up with myself. I still feel a bit lonely and sad at times. I am also still a different person in different situations. But it doesn't bother me as much nowadays.

With my childish friends, I'm childish and humorous. With my mature friends, I'm 'motherly', thoughtful and responsible. At school, I'm a cold unfriendly person that literally does not speak at all. At competition venues where I need to get to know my competitors, I'm a friendly, cheerful extrovert. They are all me. Those are all my personalities. Those are ALL who I am. Being yourself, in my opinion, means not trying to copy somebody else, no matter how much you don't like yourself.

I *am* a cunning little b*stard that only speaks to people I need to speak to. I *am* a two-faced b*tch that acts all cool and dignified while I'm really a joker inside. I *am* a phony that does not appreciate swearing at school while in the internet (as you can see LOL) I swear in almost every sentence. It's alright to have some sides of yourself that you don't like, it's not like you don't have any good sides that make up for it :)

at the end of the day nobody is perfect. Have you ever thought that everyone on planet Earth at some point in their life has felt the way you're feeling right now? :) If somebody judged you, then they're simply a jerk. Not everyone's a jerk, and you DO meet a not-jerk in your life. Embrace them tight, they're all you need x

[Miserabilia]

Thanks everyone!
That made me feel slightly better :)

This made me realize I'm not alone in this.
And yes, reading or writing helps me too.
thanks

[Mushin]

I can relate this a lot. There was a time when i didn't know who i was either, i just felt like a collection of combined personalities of people i have chosen to surround myself with. However, what really makes up a person? Is it not the influences of people you surround yourself with?

I understand where you're coming from in terms of feeling entirely lost. What really helps - at least for me it did - is writing down all of your thoughts and emotions, a daily journal of everything you're feeling. The problem with doing this is that a lot of people try to find themselves through their thoughts and emotions, but in doing such you're masking who you really are. There isn't anyone or anything you should be looking for, because right here right now is who you are. Through doing this we start to define ourselves as two separate people, a higher and a lower self, the person you truly believe you are and the person you act as in public situations. Hell, you may even act as your lower self when you're not even in public because you begin to bond to variation. There is only one self though, and through creating these different variations we lose ourselves in the illusion.

For me, meditation worked very well in defining myself and remembering who i really am, what my true self is. It's difficult at first to silence your inner voice, but once you're able to do that you can explore yourself and everything you're connected to at a really incredible scale. It's life changing and it will help you define yourself in ways that are unexplainable.

So as a course of action you should start by defining your morals, vows to yourself if you will. For example one of my vows is abiding to the Threefold Division (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path#Threefold_division) of the Eightfold Path. Finding something to abide to, even it is created by yourself, helps to keep a definitive perspective on your true self. Secondly i would start a daily journal, and begin a meditation practice in your free time. Most importantly is that you start doing these things out of love, and not a fear of not doing them. I hope some of this helps you as it did for me :)

[Miserabilia]

I can relate this a lot. There was a time when i didn't know who i was either, i just felt like a collection of combined personalities of people i have chosen to surround myself with. However, what really makes up a person? Is it not the influences of people you surround yourself with?

I understand where you're coming from in terms of feeling entirely lost. What really helps - at least for me it did - is writing down all of your thoughts and emotions, a daily journal of everything you're feeling. The problem with doing this is that a lot of people try to find themselves through their thoughts and emotions, but in doing such you're masking who you really are. There isn't anyone or anything you should be looking for, because right here right now is who you are. Through doing this we start to define ourselves as two separate people, a higher and a lower self, the person you truly believe you are and the person you act as in public situations. Hell, you may even act as your lower self when you're not even in public because you begin to bond to variation. There is only one self though, and through creating these different variations we lose ourselves in the illusion.

For me, meditation worked very well in defining myself and remembering who i really am, what my true self is. It's difficult at first to silence your inner voice, but once you're able to do that you can explore yourself and everything you're connected to at a really incredible scale. It's life changing and it will help you define yourself in ways that are unexplainable.

So as a course of action you should start by defining your morals, vows to yourself if you will. For example one of my vows is abiding to the Threefold Division (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path#Threefold_division) of the Eightfold Path. Finding something to abide to, even it is created by yourself, helps to keep a definitive perspective on your true self. Secondly i would start a daily journal, and begin a meditation practice in your free time. Most importantly is that you start doing these things out of love, and not a fear of not doing them. I hope some of this helps you as it did for me :)

Thanks that was really illuminating :)
This is why I like buddhism-related things, it really helps.
Thank you

[darkangel91]

Dude, I feel exactly the same most of the time. You're not alone... I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You can be yourself with us, whoever that is, complicated as it may be. :)

[laurakitty]

Awww cheese why don't you see a doctor you could get a proper therapist or medication that makes u happy all da time I think idk but they do have side affects I think

[Miserabilia]

Awww cheese why don't you see a doctor you could get a proper therapist or medication that makes u happy all da time I think idk but they do have side affects I think

Dude, I feel exactly the same most of the time. You're not alone... I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You can be yourself with us, whoever that is, complicated as it may be. :)

thanks guys