Interested in one girl, stuck on another. (Long read)

[Meganium]

This isn't quite as black and white as the title makes it out to be. I'm not the type of guy to just go after a girl as a "rebound" or anything like that. There's been a LOT of thought on my part about all of this for months.

Last year, I fell hard for a girl who I'm really close with at school. Hard enough to the point where I still think about it after she turned down my proposal early last fall. The full story on that I'll link here. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3580714#post3580714)

That issue, really hasn't gotten too much better. Overall I stood with the decision to remain friends with her. Neither of us are toxic to each other and we have a great deal of fun as friends. That relationship is healthy, and it'd feel really wrong to cut it off in the way that I was thinking. Because of that decision, I feel drastically more comfortable around her, and don't really feel at all nervous about interacting with her anymore. At least in person.

Our friendship has grown, but my feelings for her haven't really dwindled, despite a pretty firm barrier between us in the form of rampant scheduling conflicts and her being extraordinarily busy usually. I still think of her on pretty much a daily basis, and still want more out of our current relationship. That's pretty much on pause, as she's basically said that "I'm everything she's looking for in a guy, but she's just not attracted to me" and is unsure of why that is. Nothing either of us can do about that.

So I've tried to assess this as healthily as I can. I haven't brought my feelings back up to her since she initially turned me down, and haven't tried to hint at it or anything like that. In terms of trying to talk to other girls in an attempt to remind myself that "there are other fish in the sea", I did get way more used to looking at girls and even asked another one out, (I didn't get much exposure to this in high school, so it was genuinely foreign to me.) but none of that really helped me get my mind off her truly. Plus there aren't a ton of girls there who I've been interested in, and we're a pretty small campus.

Another girl did turn up eventually, we'll call her Connie. Connie first noticed me playing a game in the lounge area one day, and after talking about that briefly, we bumped into each other more and more until we were having multi-hour conversations til late night. Fast forward, and now she's a part of my core friend group, and we see her every day.

She's similar to the original girl in a lot of ways, and at first I didn't really have much interest in her either, but now that a few months have passed, I think that I can safely say that under normal circumstances, I'd be interested enough to pursue a deeper relationship with Connie. And based on a lot of behaviors she's shown throughout the past school year, I don't think it's far fetched to assume that she may be interested in me as well.

Again, under normal circumstances, I'd have probably done something by now, or at least teased the idea and inquired a bit. But part of me is extremely hesitant to do any of that, because as my mind is right now, I'd likely say no to any type of romantic interaction with her at all. Not because I don't like her, but because my feelings for this other girl still remain very strong, and it'd be unfair to Connie to date her while my attention is divided.

This original girl ticked off every box for me. Every single one, and provided enough reason for me to realize that she still wasn't perfect, and provided challenges that I would hope to one day conquer alongside her. If I were to go after Connie while the other girl is still actively in the picture, (as in literally seeing her every day...) I would UNDOUBTEDLY make comparisons in my head and wouldn't be able to truly dedicate myself to Connie exclusively, as the girl who came closER to "perfection" is right across the room, and I'm still very much into her.

I don't know at all what to do with Girl #1. That's a problem I'm still working out with my counselor, and I'll likely be talking to the girl herself at some point to maybe get her input on our relationship moving forward. (She'll be graduating next year.)

But as far as Connie, I feel conflicted. Part of me thinks that maybe dating her would work out very well and help me greatly in taking my mind off of Girl #1. Potentially being even better than I could have imagined. I'm noticing an escalation in our relationship and it wouldn't surprise me if this came up in discussion soon. If she were to ask me for something more, currently I'd probably have to turn it down and hurt her that way rather than entering a relationship and hurting her by not giving her all my heart.

I'm just kind of in limbo right now. Any input would be appreciated. Anything that would help me move forward, or at least get a better perspective of things.

[jamie_n5]

Well you have been told flat out by girl #1 that she is not at all romantically attracted to you. How can anyone be more truthful and blunt to the point than that. It's great that you are still friends and bond that way. You need to let go of your romantic feelings for #1 and move on. I can understand your hopes that #1 will change her mind but I doubt that will ever happen. So let go and move on.
You say that girl #2 also clicks your boxes and appeals to you. So why don't you move forward before you loose her by keeping her dangling on the hook. She isn't going to hang around for ever anticipating your next move. So let #1 go and start dating #2. Most people go through a few relationships before they find the ONE that is the RIGHT ONE. That's my advice to you.

[Ethan19]

It seems weird to me. Girl number one doesn't like you, you just need to get that. Like, the way to think of it is she literally doesn't want you .

I don't know what you meant by the other girl being actively in the picture - by definition, she's not. She doesn't want you. Ill repeat that until it sinks in...

I also disagree with boxes, when someone clicks with you it's not because they fit some criteria. It's because they just do.

Date girl number 2, see what it's like and get over girl 1

[Meganium]

Well you have been told flat out by girl #1 that she is not at all romantically attracted to you. How can anyone be more truthful and blunt to the point than that. It's great that you are still friends and bond that way. You need to let go of your romantic feelings for #1 and move on. I can understand your hopes that #1 will change her mind but I doubt that will ever happen. So let go and move on.
You say that girl #2 also clicks your boxes and appeals to you. So why don't you move forward before you loose her by keeping her dangling on the hook. She isn't going to hang around for ever anticipating your next move. So let #1 go and start dating #2. Most people go through a few relationships before they find the ONE that is the RIGHT ONE. That's my advice to you.

I've taken that message in. I know that she's not into me like that and that she likely won't be. My issue isn't understanding and internalizing that I don't think.

The thing for me is, "letting her go" hasn't been as simple for me as just moving on to the next pretty girl I see who I may be attracted to. I'll get to that in a second.

It seems weird to me. Girl number one doesn't like you, you just need to get that. Like, the way to think of it is she literally doesn't want you .

I don't know what you meant by the other girl being actively in the picture - by definition, she's not. She doesn't want you. Ill repeat that until it sinks in...

I also disagree with boxes, when someone clicks with you it's not because they fit some criteria. It's because they just do.

Date girl number 2, see what it's like and get over girl 1

Maybe "boxes" wasn't the best phrase to use. I do keep "criteria" on a type of internal list, yeah. But I know that they lose all relevance when meeting someone I actually click with. Girl 1 ticked "boxes" yes, but I wasn't really thinking about them when she came into view. It just felt right.

That said, I'm not trying to claim that she remains "in the picture" as an "option. " I understand that she doesn't want me, and that it be like that sometimes and I just gotta hold that L.

But she still *is* in the picture, as far as having *clicked* with me well enough for me to know that that's what I want in the girls that I encounter moving forward, and that I will compare that experience of "clicking" to Girl 1's until I find one that surpasses it. She's made a strong, lasting impression. Given that it's been over a year since I met her and that I'm still on this, a VERY strong, lasting impression.

I understand that not all people are the same. I understand that my experiences with one person may be drastically different from the next.

But, Girl 1 left me feeling like she was someone who I *needed* to have, with how well she clicked with me from *my* perspective. And I'm afraid of dating really ANYONE else, because if I don't get that same level of feeling again, then I think I'm just going to refer back to how I felt about Girl 1.

And I think it's wrong of me to be making that kind of reference in my head while I'm with someone completely different. I feel it'd be wrong of me, to go after Connie right now, and have fun and enjoy a relationship, but then go home lie in bed and think to myself: She doesn't make me feel the same way...

And unless that way is better beyond belief, it would feel like I'm leading the new girl on. Claiming that she makes me feel great when there's someone else that made me feel greater. I'm afraid of taking that risk, afraid of making that comparison, and afraid of initiating something and having to hurt anyone if I have to say that my feelings aren't as strong as they should or could be.

Tl;dr: I know how I felt about Girl 1 very well, and I know how I feel about Girl 2. My feelings for Girl 2 are enough for me to be interested in pursuing something, but they are nowhere near as strong as the feelings I had with Girl 1 from the jump. I don't think that this is a bias either. And if it isn't, then I feel wrong about going into anything with Girl 2, or any girl, period, if I don't feel the same way or better then I did when all of this started.

I don't feel right about just jumping into another relationship just to take someone else off my mind. Even with this long timeline. I just don't want to end up hurting anyone or lying to myself.

[Ethan19]

But she still *is* in the picture, as far as having *clicked* with me well enough for me to know that that's what I want in the girls that I encounter moving forward, and that I will compare that experience of "clicking" to Girl 1's until I find one that surpasses it. She's made a strong, lasting impression. Given that it's been over a year since I met her and that I'm still on this, a VERY strong, lasting impression.

I understand that not all people are the same. I understand that my experiences with one person may be drastically different from the next.

I only want to focus on these two and you'll see why.

The first paragraph in itself if massively flawed in the ways of relationships. The only reason you believe she is the comparison is because you're not over her. Saying you'd get with someone and then see how they 'match up', shows you don't really get it. - sounds like an attack, it's completely not, just it shows inexperience from what you said.

Second, your experiences WILL be different. No relationship is the same as the other and they let you know what you want and how you want it etc (meaning love). You have idolized a girl that doesn't even like you. I work on logic a lot, I understand more people are emotionally focussed. To me, what you've done is massively flawed. You've said essentially the only girl you want is this girl or a girl that meets the same factors she does. But that type of girl doesn't like you.

Also, take into account, your first love is always so different to any other. She didn't love you but doesn't mean she isn't your first love.

I think you need to logically read over what you said, and hopefully you can realise why I think it's very naive to what you have done . (Again not an attack, it's just what happens)

[Meganium]

I only want to focus on these two and you'll see why.

The first paragraph in itself if massively flawed in the ways of relationships. The only reason you believe she is the comparison is because you're not over her. Saying you'd get with someone and then see how they 'match up', shows you don't really get it. - sounds like an attack, it's completely not, just it shows inexperience from what you said.

Second, your experiences WILL be different. No relationship is the same as the other and they let you know what you want and how you want it etc (meaning love). You have idolized a girl that doesn't even like you. I work on logic a lot, I understand more people are emotionally focussed. To me, what you've done is massively flawed. You've said essentially the only girl you want is this girl or a girl that meets the same factors she does. But that type of girl doesn't like you.

Also, take into account, your first love is always so different to any other. She didn't love you but doesn't mean she isn't your first love.

I think you need to logically read over what you said, and hopefully you can realise why I think it's very naive to what you have done . (Again not an attack, it's just what happens)

OK, I think I understand where you're coming from.

Yes, I've essentially idolized this girl, and I currently see her as the "precedent" so to speak, for future encounters to come. That's not only unfair, but it's also unrealistic and illogical given how drastically different each relationship I may enter from this point forward may be. That's what I'm getting here. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Trying to find someone who can replicate the way I feel currently (for the same exact reasons to a fault.) Is totally unrealistic, yeah, and I shouldn't expect that going forward. The fact that I've been stuck on this is probably proof that I really don't get it and that it really doesn't work like that. As you said, the "type" of person who I fell in love with before, is a type of person who doesn't love me back in that way.


But, on my end, if I do encounter someone else, wildly or mildly different, my expectation is for my feelings in response to the new factors that I'd be attracted to, to be similarly prominent and powerful, only this time, reciprocated as well. Not necessarily similar in what they actually are. Regardless of "what" I feel, which may change from person to person, I'm under the impression that how strongly those feelings impress upon and influence me, will remain similar.

That's what I want, mainly. Someone who can stimulate me emotionally in a meaningful and powerful way. It doesn't have to be the same way that Girl #1 did it, nor should I expect it to be.

My concern is that Girl #2 hasn't provided that emotional simulation for me, despite extended and personal time with her. And now that you've made me think about it, I shouldn't expect such a result to put itself out there necessarily within the same timeframe or with the same methods. That's also unfair.

But, if I were to date her now, and be correct about my incline that she doesn't provide that emotional stimulation for me, then wouldn't that be wronging her since I had the incline in the first place? Biased or not, that's still kind of a risk right?

[Ethan19]

That's what I want, mainly. Someone who can stimulate me emotionally in a meaningful and powerful way. It doesn't have to be the same way that Girl #1 did it, nor should I expect it to be.

My concern is that Girl #2 hasn't provided that emotional simulation for me, despite extended and personal time with her. And now that you've made me think about it, I shouldn't expect such a result to put itself out there necessarily within the same timeframe or with the same methods. That's also unfair.

But, if I were to date her now, and be correct about my incline that she doesn't provide that emotional stimulation for me, then wouldn't that be wronging her since I had the incline in the first place? Biased or not, that's still kind of a risk right?

Let's look at this bit.

Firstly, any relationship you get into has that no one can compare feeling, it just does. If it doesn't, there's something wrong.

Secondly, dating is different to a relationship. Dating is literally you getting the feel for the person seeing if they are compatible with you. Now, going with your head in the place it is sets the thing up to fail. So, you need to get over that thought and go in level headed looking to enjoy yourself. If you go in for one date and it turns out bad that's not you wronging her, that's you saving yourself and her. Wronging would be getting into a relationship with her when you feel this way. Dating her might change your perspective.

Lastly, you don't always fall in love at first sight. My boyfriend and I have dated for almost 5 years now and it took about 8 months before I realised I liked him that way. Sometimes, the best thing is just time . But, you definitely need to get over Girl 1, and I think the way to do that is to date.

[Meganium]

Let's look at this bit.

Firstly, any relationship you get into has that no one can compare feeling, it just does. If it doesn't, there's something wrong.

Secondly, dating is different to a relationship. Dating is literally you getting the feel for the person seeing if they are compatible with you. Now, going with your head in the place it is sets the thing up to fail. So, you need to get over that thought and go in level headed looking to enjoy yourself. If you go in for one date and it turns out bad that's not you wronging her, that's you saving yourself and her. Wronging would be getting into a relationship with her when you feel this way. Dating her might change your perspective.

Lastly, you don't always fall in love at first sight. My boyfriend and I have dated for almost 5 years now and it took about 8 months before I realised I liked him that way. Sometimes, the best thing is just time . But, you definitely need to get over Girl 1, and I think the way to do that is to date.

OK. You're absolutely right. As my mind is right now, I would be setting any relationship opportunity up for failure. "Getting over it" won't be as easy for me as just turning off a switch, but I can try my best to enter anything in the future with a way more open mind.

That said, I also think that you're right in saying that the most effective way to get over Girl #1 would be to date #2 or others. I just want to make sure that I take time to be certain that I'm taking her in purely for who she is, with as little influence from this prior experience as possible. And anyone else for that matter. It may take me a while to do that, but I see it as better than jumping in because I wouldn't enjoy myself in that case like you'd like me to.

Appreciate you keeping it real with me. This conversation as well as a couple others helped me see things with some better perspective, finally. It feels like I've got a bit more closure now than I did before.

[InternetTeen]

I'm not great with relationships. If girl 1 isn't attracted to you i doubt she'll want to pursue a relationship. You just need to forget about her. Girl 2 you said ticks all boxes. She is perfect for you. If you're interested in her and she's interested in you date the 2nd girl.