Need Advice

[deke]

Alright, I have kind of a weird circumstance that is going to take some explaining. About... a year ago I was an only child, however, my parents passed away, which led me to adoption. I was adopted by one of their close family friends, but some of the siblings were super abusive and I had to leave. After I left, I was adopted by a really nice family from my church, which I was extremely close to. However, going from being an only child to having a ton of siblings is crazy, especially so many guy siblings. I only have one sister and thirteen brothers (crazy weird, some are half, some are full, idc really though because I came into the family late) I have three younger siblings (6, 11, 17, and I am 17), and the rest are older, moved out, in college, married, etc... So I guess I just have a few questions on what is okay and what's not. I do come from a religious background (based on Christianity), but I'm open to all opinions! Here are my questions:
1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling?
2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o?
3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling?
4. When should I stop ^^^?
5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal?
6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest?
7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it?
8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice?
9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess.
10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now?

Thanks in advance for the advice! I'm just kind of in an odd place in my life, going from an only child, to so many siblings, it's a hard step for me.

[Tori101]

First, im sorry to hear about your parents.

1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling? Why not? If nothing bad happends i don’t see what it could be bad.
2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o? Either
3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling? If you are both fine with it then its fine
4. When should I stop ^^^? When you don’t feel comfortable
5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal? Normal
6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest? Stop them I guess.
7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it? Maybe tell someone he does this.
8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice? Making him aware would be good
9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess. I think its normal
10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now? Nothing else.

[deke]

Tori101 thanks for the reply. I've tried to make him aware, but he just doesn't get it, and he usually beats me up if I do. I've also told people that he beats me up (its not as bad as my last home, but still pretty hard to deal with) so I just don't know whether to take the hits or to defend myself?

[Tori101]

Tori101 thanks for the reply. I've tried to make him aware, but he just doesn't get it, and he usually beats me up if I do. I've also told people that he beats me up (its not as bad as my last home, but still pretty hard to deal with) so I just don't know whether to take the hits or to defend myself?

If you defend yourself, do you think he will just hurt you more?

[deke]

If you defend yourself, do you think he will just hurt you more?

Probably :/ it's a tough situation. and I'm honestly just not used to it. But sitting there and taking it, I thought he would have some remorse, if I just passively take it, but not really :/

[Tori101]

How hard does he beat you?

[deke]

How hard does he beat you?

He usually pins me, punches my shoulders, dead legs me, dead arms, I occasionally get a bruise, nothing really horrible, but still frustrating and painful. Occasionally I enjoy wrestling with him, but when he actually gets violent its scary, which sadly happens a little more often than I'd like. He also does it with my littler brothers, which really frustrates me.

[Tori101]

Im a little confused. Are you related to these people? You said you were adopted, right?

[deke]

Im a little confused. Are you related to these people? You said you were adopted, right?

Ya adopted, no blood relation, but legally yes.

[Tori101]

Ok. If he is hurting anyone, you have to tell an adult.

[deke]

Ok. If he is hurting anyone, you have to tell an adult.

And I do, but most of them think that I don't get the whole "brother" thing, and that its normal to wrestle, but idk, it doesn't feel the best, occasionally its fine, but I'm not a huge fan of it.

[Tori101]

I mean, if everyone is fine with it and no one gets hurt then i guess it's fine.

[lliam]

Try to talk to that idiot what changed ... if that isn't working, go to gym gain some more muscles and than let them speak to speak him.

[deke]

Try to talk to that idiot what changed ... if that isn't working, go to gym gain some more muscles and than let them speak to speak him.

Ya, I don't think talking to him is gonna work, I've had a few "heart to hearts" about what happened, but he doesn't quite get it. And ya.. I guess I could, but he is like way taller than me... and bigger in general... idk

[Tim the Enchanter]

1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling?

Sure man, just don't do anything weird haha.

2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o?

I'm not sure man, whatever you're comfortable with.

3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling?

Uh depends on how younger they are man. I wouldn't, but it's up to you.

4. When should I stop ^^^?

I would have stopped already. Again, it's up to you and what you guys are comfortable with.

5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal?

I guess it can be normal yeah.

6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest?

Lay down the law my man! Show you're the oldest haha.

7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it?

I would fight back man, get stronger than him.

8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice?

Yeah, I wouldn't just go up to him and confront him man, but try to let him know it easy.

9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess.

It's normal man, definitely, even some of my friends and I do that when we're all happy. Like after a game we won.

10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now?

Not sure man, you're the older brother, so maybe just make sure you act the oldest?

[lliam]

Ya, I don't think talking to him is gonna work, I've had a few "heart to hearts" about what happened, but he doesn't quite get it. And ya.. I guess I could, but he is like way taller than me... and bigger in general... idk



Got it. I know such folks. Some will never get it.


As for size'n'stuff ... well, from my personal experience I can say that size and mass are not everything ... unless your brother is a real hulk.

You can often compensate it with technology. A combination of martial arts and strength training could be the solution, as long you find it's worth the effort.

And mostly it's simply all about effect. Cause usually you don't even have to kick ass, as your own body language automatically changes and signals to others to be more careful about to bully you.

But in your case, we would probably have to assume that your bro isn't such stupid not to be able to recognize those signals. :D

[deke]

1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling?

Sure man, just don't do anything weird haha.

2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o?

I'm not sure man, whatever you're comfortable with.

3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling?

Uh depends on how younger they are man. I wouldn't, but it's up to you.

4. When should I stop ^^^?

I would have stopped already. Again, it's up to you and what you guys are comfortable with.

5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal?

I guess it can be normal yeah.

6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest?

Lay down the law my man! Show you're the oldest haha.

7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it?

I would fight back man, get stronger than him.

8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice?

Yeah, I wouldn't just go up to him and confront him man, but try to let him know it easy.

9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess.

It's normal man, definitely, even some of my friends and I do that when we're all happy. Like after a game we won.

10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now?

Not sure man, you're the older brother, so maybe just make sure you act the oldest?

What entails acting the oldest? Like, I'm more of a calm person, and don't really "fight back" which is why I can take it, but obviously non-violence isn't working in this case. The reason I don't try to be violent is because I've found that if I respect littler siblings then they tend to like you more. I mean my littlest brothers love me. I think the issue is that he is almost the same age (2 month difference) so there really isn't an "older brother", but if I were to, how should I go about being the oldest?

[deke]

Got it. I know such folks. Some will never get it.


As for size'n'stuff ... well, from my personal experience I can say that size and mass are not everything ... unless your brother is a real hulk.

You can often compensate it with technology. A combination of martial arts and strength training could be the solution, as long you find it's worth the effort.

And mostly it's simply all about effect. Cause usually you don't even have to kick ass, as your own body language automatically changes and signals to others to be more careful about to bully you.

But in your case, we would probably have to assume that your bro isn't such stupid not to be able to recognize those signals. :D

Welp, I know Taekwondo, did it when I was like 10 :') I just don't think its worth using it, because I know he won't actually hurt me, but I also have a little bit of PTSD from when I was in a terrible home where a sibling would physically and verbally abuse me. He just doesn't quite get that PTSD really screws with me. He's just, like you said, one of those people that just don't quite get it. Sometimes he does, sometimes it goes over his head. :/

[lliam]

The really interesting question is actually whether he has behaved similarly towards you already when the both of you were "just" friends. Or whether he behaves now more obviously as you've posted above, which would be a compliment in a very crossed sense, since he treats you even like all his siblings.

According to my experience, those individuals are always behaving such way towards others, because they just can't help it cause it's part of their nature. Maybe you just tolerated it earlier than now.

[deke]

The really interesting question is actually whether he has behaved similarly towards you already when the both of you were "just" friends. Or whether he behaves now more obviously as you've posted above, which would be a compliment in a very crossed sense, since he treats you even like all his siblings.

According to my experience, those individuals are always behaving such way towards others, because they just can't help it cause it's part of their nature. Maybe you just tolerated it earlier than now.

I guess that's an interesting point. Before it wasn't like that, but probably because we didn't have as much exposure to each other. Before we both kind of messed with each other and annoyed each other, but in a friendly sense. I guess when it turned into a sibling situation, we both eventually got tired of it, and he became physical...? That would make sense I guess. Which if that's true, I guess you're right that it would be a compliment, since he is, I guess, accepting me into the family...? idk, it just might be that I'm not used to so much physicality, (its not overwhelming, but from only child to not, it can be at times) and so I take it in a more personal way...

[Jaffe]

1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling? >> Why not? You are SLEEPING, no? Then no issue.

2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o? >> Any of them. So what? I have slept in the same bed as my much-younger cousin, and in the same bed as my same-age opposite-gender cousin. What is the issue here?

3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling? >> Not at all

4. When should I stop ^^^? Stop what? >> Heh. Does it matter? Are you not bathing just to get clean? I still bathe/shower sometimes with my brother or cousins.

5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal? >> Normal, absolutely

6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest? >> No idea. Don't parents do this?

7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it? >> Wow. First, get someone to make him stop beating on you.

8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice? >> Just let him be, ignore him.. let the situation play itself out.

9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess. ?? >> I think this is absolutely normal.

10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now? >> Little brothers are cool. Take care of them.

[deke]

1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling? >> Why not? You are SLEEPING, no? Then no issue.

2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o? >> Any of them. So what? I have slept in the same bed as my much-younger cousin, and in the same bed as my same-age opposite-gender cousin. What is the issue here?

3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling? >> Not at all

4. When should I stop ^^^? Stop what? >> Heh. Does it matter? Are you not bathing just to get clean? I still bathe/shower sometimes with my brother or cousins.

5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal? >> Normal, absolutely

6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest? >> No idea. Don't parents do this?

7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it? >> Wow. First, get someone to make him stop beating on you.

8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice? >> Just let him be, ignore him.. let the situation play itself out.

9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess. ?? >> I think this is absolutely normal.

10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now? >> Little brothers are cool. Take care of them.

I would love it if my parents stopped the conflicts, but a lot of it they deem to just "brotherly nature", am I seeing things that would be "brotherly nature" as fights or am I justified for worry about it a little?

[Just JT]

Personally I see noth8ng wrong with sleeping in the same bed with a sibling of any age, showering, seeing each other nude, or showing other signs of sibling affection. So long as it’s appropriate. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, then stop

I’ve done all these things and more with my younger foster brother. And it brought us closer together.

As far as the 17 year old, th8nk he might be a bully, jealious, or just ruffing you up playfully, or all of the above

But if you want him to stop, get someone who will support you in getting him to stop

[deke]

Personally I see noth8ng wrong with sleeping in the same bed with a sibling of any age, showering, seeing each other nude, or showing other signs of sibling affection. So long as it’s appropriate. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, then stop

I’ve done all these things and more with my younger foster brother. And it brought us closer together.

As far as the 17 year old, th8nk he might be a bully, jealious, or just ruffing you up playfully, or all of the above

But if you want him to stop, get someone who will support you in getting him to stop

What else have you done to bring you two closer together?

And I think the 17 y/o is doing a little bit of all of it, me and my two youngest siblings are all adopted, so he originally was the youngest, idk if he is perpetuating what happened to him when he was younger? My parents think its normal, but sometimes I can't handle it.

[ImagineRepublicCity]

Sorry to hear about what happened to you. It's been awhile for you, but if you need someone to chat about it, my mum passed away when I was in High School too, and it sucked. On to the questions, I don't know how lose you are to these people but if it were me, this is what I would say.


1. Is it okay to sleep in the same bed as a sibling? No, it's best not to unless your sleeping arrangement forces you to do that. Naps are probably okay, but it's just better not to, just because you're not close yet.

2. Only the younger ones or even the 17 y/o? ^^

3. Is it weird to shower/help bathe with a younger sibling? Only with permission. You are a brother, yes, but it was never my sisters job to help me shower when I was a kid. There is no need to shower together either, so only if the parent or the kid asks for it.

4. When should I stop ^^^? When they hit puberty or when they say no

5. Is seeing the other siblings naked weird or normal? Depends on household, but it should be a no unless they have said it's okay.

6. How should I deal with fights? Since I'm the oldest? Everything depends on, if it were my siblings (though usually I was always in the fight) I wouldn't do anything, unless they started to hurt each other hard (which never happened in my house either)

7. My brother (same age, but stronger) likes to beat me up occasionally, should I fight back or sit and take it? That's up to you, either fight or tell on him, those are your options.

8. I feel like my littlest brothers really dislike the other 17 y/o, because he's pretty rude, sarcastic, just a jerk at times, but before the whole passing away, we were best friends, and now that I'm his brother, I still don't really like him that much. Is there anything I should do? Should I try and make him aware that hes doing stuff wrong? He is kind of socially awkward, but isn't really self-aware. Any advice? Well because you didn't grow up with this guy, you probably can't walk up to him and saw "haha, you're being a dick" You could say something if you want, but only if you can't stand it. Like, with discretion, yeah?

9. Is it normal to put your arm around a younger sibling? I've seen my older brothers do it, but it is just different to me I guess. If you mean as a hug, yes, but if you mean like head lock i.e. making them gasp for air fuck no. If they do it, that's how they were brought up, but you shouldn't do it. It's not fair because it will always end up with the smallest party hurting.

10. Anything else you think I should be aware of being the older brother now? Respect their boundaries, and for now, if you don't know how to act as a sibling around them, because it's tough, treat them as a housemate.

[Just JT]

What else have you done to bring you two closer together?

And I think the 17 y/o is doing a little bit of all of it, me and my two youngest siblings are all adopted, so he originally was the youngest, idk if he is perpetuating what happened to him when he was younger? My parents think its normal, but sometimes I can't handle it.

Becoming closer with someone is something that takes time. And trust. And from what you said and I’ve read about you, I know trust is a thing

See it’s not really about being nude, sleeping together, showering or any of that. It’s about just getting to know someone better and on a different level that’s all. And that takes time.

Sometimes some other factors in life lend themselves to help bring people together maybe a little faster than normal for whatever reason.....

I think if you live in a household like your describing....you might wana evaluate the things you do as they MIGHT send mixed or wrong messeges. And may (quite possibly) create some jealousy between existing siblings and you. As far as a typical si long relationship goes.

Maybe I’m reading into this to much idk. I just see being able to do some things like you say as being a great experience. But I also know it can cause problems especially when you aren’t blood raltions and can raise questions in some people’s minds

[Chrisbm]

Why is he beating you?

[deke]

Why is he beating you?
Not really sure. I guess since I was an only child, and this is all so new, I think I might be annoying him? I messed with him for a while, he got pretty upset so I chilled out on it, and then ever since he got really angry at me or annoying him, hes been super angry and irritated. Even with me just trying to have small talk with him.