We settle for the love we think we deserve.

[Croconaw]

The main question is in bold.

This isn’t an advice thread, but this is just something that came to my mind. A midnight thought, if you will. The reason I joined this site many years ago was because I was being bullied all throughout school. I was always told that I was ugly and stupid, and it made me depressed. It got to the point that whatever anyone told me, negatively, would be on my mind for a very long time. That thought would never leave my mind.

We also live in a society where people, whether we want to admit it or not, put at least some importance on appearance in relationships. The thought in my mind was, nobody would ever like me if I am not attractive. The reason I thought I was unattractive was because so many people had insulted me.

That was when my toxic relationships started. I am going to describe them very briefly.

The first relationship I had was with this girl when I was 17. She criticized every little thing I did. She told me I was not going to be successful if my grades are poor. She criticized me for getting one question wrong on a math test. She yelled at me because I was a few minutes late sending her a good morning message because I was getting ready for school.

The second relationship was this long distance one. This girl in Alabama. We were on and off. She told me I was manipulative and pointed out all of my flaws even if they were little. She led me on and made me think we were in a relationship. I bought a ticket to see her and she broke up with me when I was one state away. Also, she cheated on me twice, and went on OkCupid when we were in a relationship. I was really stupid during this relationship. I settled for the abuse, because I didn’t think I deserved better.

I am currently in contact with neither of the two girls.

Do you think we settle for the love we think we deserve? Do you think our past and what we have been told has an impact on us as humans?

Let me hear your thoughts on this topic.

[Solvez18]

I do. I feel because all my best friends were pulled out of my life I've become alot more isolated as a person. I had a lot of and still have a lot of problems with my family that stress me out all the time and they add up to affect me on some scale in the long run. I'm pretty lonely and haven't really experienced anything with anybody. Never been to a party or actually hung out with friends outside school since I was about 13. Never had a real relationship because the only one I've had made me a train wreck. I was told by my ex a few of the things I did even though they were small obviously bothered her and I believe was apart of the reason she cut me off.

I'm coming to realise now that I need to continue pushing myself at least the slightest bit in life to get any sort of happiness. I'm quite lazy and because of all the negatives I've experienced I've become quite paranoid about what others think of me and how to approach others. I don't meet people in real life and it truly bothers me. I spend alot of my time in my room and I wish I could change that. I'm trying to improve myself just a little bit and take the small oppurtunities that come to me so I can gain confidence and learn to appear more confident to others.

I want to stop feeling so down based on past experiences so I can progress and use that to try and meet new people. I'm still interested in my ex for some reason even though she truly treated me like dirt. I think it's simply because I'm lonely and don't meet people that I at the least deserve another chance with her. Ultimately if it turned out well I would feel much better as a person and have an instant boost in my confidence around others, that's just what something like that would mean to me. I'm learning to drive right now and accepting the little opportunities I get like working with my uncle a little bit just to try and get myself out of the house and at the very least have the chance of running into somebody I can make friends or maybe even have a relationship with. I truly believe that the upsetting and what feels like punishing events in my life so far have really dragged me down and it's only at the point now where I'm realising I can improve, I just need to make a start. I haven't had any motivation to do anything and I guess some self-realisation that if I don't act on anything then I'll never be or have anything is what's pushing me a little bit to give more things a go and make some change. At the end of the day from losing my friends to losing my first girlfriend and losing my first job are just a handful of the things that have dragged me down and I'm hoping that with what's left of my life ahead of me I can get a real chance at being successful and happy. I know everyone says 19 is a young age but I'm almost 20 and having accomplished almost nothing feels like a bit of a chunk of my life wasted and I hate it.

[Ethan19]

I think we don't settle per se. I think love is very weird. I believe damaged people attract damaged people. So you accept a lower standard of love. I think in love you always have a partner that is more in love than the other (which is how I'd answer the your first question), leading to you to settle not because you feel you deserve it, but because you love the other person so much.

I also believe people fall in love with the idea of being fallen in love with. A lot of people love that someone loves them. But they don't actually love that person back. It's a sad truth that I think not a lot of people realise that's why a relationship has ended. They think it's because they don't love each other anymore, when in fact it is because someone was never loved in the first place. NB: I hope this but makes sense, reading it I'm not sure I made my point clear.

Your second question I completely agree with. It's how you let it impact you is the main factor. You can use it to make you a better partner or the other way. For example, from your narccistic relationships, if you let them believe that is how you should treat someone, that's entirely wrong. (Not saying you did, it was just an easy example to give :) )

I could talk about love and relationships like this for ages, this was like my brief argument of somethings that I think relate to your questions.

[jamie_n5]

All relationships and even friendships have a great impact on our lives. You may not even realize all the things you learn and benefit from by dealing with people. You would be a strong advocate on bullying and mental abuse. You could do so much good for younger kids going through tough times. I am glad that you made it through and are going forward the right way. Good luck with all things.
I don't think anyone should settle for love. We need to reach out and seek true love and never settle for less than that.

[ImagineRepublicCity]

TL,DR: Yes, people suck

At the end of the day, like all situations in life, everybody starts off differently and begin to develop their own social norms, or what they think is normal. Like how some people group up in a farm, some people grow up with a single parent, some people grow up worrying about their next meal and some may grow up with unusual relationship norms too.

Take for instance abuse, emotional or physical. Your family situation may of been quite abusive, and while it may of not felt right (or maybe it did), you are most likely going to take that into your next relationship unless you have a serious feeling in your belly which rejects that behaviour completely. If you live in a family situation where your mum did everything for your dad, you may go into your next relationship doing the same.

Bear in mind this happens in everything. Going to school, going to work, raising children, how to treat your friends, everything, it's not just a relationship thing.

[Alumni]

Well, yes. We do settle for the love we deserve, but it varies based on your standards.

For me, I'm a very casual and simple person, and I strive in my confidence to do things. In my past relationship, my ex-girlfriend was exactly like me, but more elaborate and actually good at math (lol). Anyways, her and I were always persistent on getting through this together. I always tried my best to keep her happy, and anything below that was a major failure in my head.

The only reason we fell apart was because it wasn't enough for her. As aforementioned, I'm very simple. My satisfactions in life are very basic and not as obstruct. I couldn't keep up.

It just depends on what you're into and what you're looking for in a person. That doesn't mean you change who you are, however, it just means that you seek out someone who is good for you.

[Stronk Serb]

Yes, we do. Subconsciously we see ourselves as subhumans due what we suffered through and then think that we deserve abusive relationship partners. I still see myself as a poor excuse for a human being. The difference is, now I have a girlfriend for almost two months now and she is nothing like the previous ones. She treats me just like I treat her.

[Melodic]

Here's my dating history in a nutshell.

1) Dated guy who constantly put me down and told me I was gonna die alone and unsuccessful but then would comfort me when I told him stuff that was going on in my life which he tried to use when I argued with him about treating me poorly. He cheated on me with three other girls and eventually I blocked him from everything so he wouldn't try to manipulate me into staying.

2) Dated another guy who was extremely sweet to me but would go through long periods of time without speaking to me without explaining to me what was going on. I knew it had something to do with his family but he was almost terrified to open up to me about it. I also had my own shit going on with my mom's addiction that I'd never speak up about because I was embarrassed. Eventually I knew nothing would happen if we didn't communicate so I ended things.

3) Met this girl through work who was constantly helping me out and bringing me cupcakes to work. Thought I was dating this girl for three months because I said "we should go out sometime" and she said "sure" and we did things. I realized overtime the girl took my question in the most literal way posisble. So I finally told her how I felt and she told me she had a shitty relationship so dating wasn't her thing. I tried reaching out to her as a friend and she blew me off so I removed her from my life

4) Dated a girl I met on Tinder. We went out, went back to her place. We started making out. I thought things were going well. She ghosted me the day after and blocked me off everything. I texted her and she told me it was because she thought we didn't have chemistry which I knew was complete bull. Later found out that it was actually because she met a girl that next morning that she was more interested in.

And it took my last dating experience for me to realize from a long talk with my friends that I've gotten use to people leaving eventually so I've naturally become attracted to those who deep down, I know won't commit to me. So yeah, I've been settling for the love I think I deserve.

[NewLeafsFan]

I see what you mean and I agree to a certain extent. I don't know if "settle for what we think we deserve" is the best way to word it. What I think you're trying to say is that you settle for less if your confidence is lower. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Croconaw]

I see what you mean and I agree to a certain extent. I don't know if "settle for what we think we deserve" is the best way to word it. What I think you're trying to say is that you settle for less if your confidence is lower. Correct me if I'm wrong.Yes, that is exactly what I am trying to say. My original post is a lot of detail though.

[NewLeafsFan]

Yes, that is exactly what I am trying to say. My original post is a lot of detail though.

I don't think that it is just true with personality but also with looks