rant/venting

[West Coast Sheriff]

I have struggled with depression since I was 13. It has been up and down and I like to consider myself a mostly happy person. But I am not sure. I've had some substance abuse issues which has given me this false sense of security which I am now trying to overcome. By lying to myself, about not being messed up, I've avoided my problems and issues most of my life. I am now realizing that I need to change and resolve these issues before they get any worse. They will get worse if I keep running from them. In sobriety, I am realizing how damaged and dysfunctional I am/have been.

Uuh. Today was so rainy and gross. I got soaked from the rain and my papers got wet. I could NOT avoid puddles because the streets were literally flooded.
My morning was good but at afternoon I went to an AA meeting hoping it would help. It was good to be there but I am still unfamiliar with many of the other members. Being new and all just makes me feel out of place and more alone. Plus being all wet and cold did not help. I could just feel this pain in my chest of emotional hurt after the meeting was over.
In addition, I am reading a book about proper parenthood and reading it only makes me realize why coming from a dysfunctional home has messed me up. Since I would like to be a parent one day, I would like to not repeat my parents mistakes but I'm way more dysfunctional than them.

Both my program and this book I started reading have a lot to do with strengthening ones relationship with God. This has been somewhat of a struggle for me.

I just have to remind myself that this is a process I have to go through and I can't give up since I do not see an alternative. I'm being reminded in my program that not everything is about me. I can be a narcissist at times which is a problem and feeling humble hurts. Growing up has not been fun for me and I'm not prepared for the "real world" like I ought to be. I can't postpone this so I just have to get a grip on things and not put myself first. God or others or humanity must come first.

I want to get better but it feels like my depression is getting worse. I hope that by going through this process it will help. But typing this out and just venting about my shit helps some.

thanks for reading

[bpk1234]

Well it sure seems like you have the right attitude. We all have those aggravating little things that happen to us everyday like important papers getting wet, spilling food on your clothes and then having a stain the rest of the day. I know with me especially the smallest things can get me upset like getting a stain on my clothes. Don't let them get to you, because honestly life is too short.

I keep myself humble because Im always making fun of myself for the airhead things I do throughout the day.

[Just JT]

Hey you just opened like a whole different book of perception I had of who you are.
Life is a struggle, so is depression, and dysfunction only fucks everything up even more. Knowing your weaknesses is a huge thing. Maybe more than you realize???
Either way, I know how you feel 100%.
It’s like you know your going forward but you feel like going backwards. And there’s jack shit you can do about it
But that’s not the case bro....
You got up, and got through your day no matter how miserable the day was. You went to where you had to go, regardless of the weather. Went to AA!!
Points bro, keep up the good work

We all have good and bad days. Some more than others.
The people in AA don’t know you either. It’s a trust thing that’s developing between you and the group
Do you speak in AA?
Doing so will let them know more about you, and ease some of that anxiety

It’s a slow process bro, sometimes it feels backwards, but it does get better, trust me. But als trust there’s will be other not so great days

Stick with your program. Use the program, use the tools your being taught skills there. Every and all day, use it to it’s fullest, talk, share, and grow there.
People will open up reach out to you, and you won’t feel so alone anymore

Sorry about your family. Mines pretty fucked up to. Well not so much now, but it was pretty fucked up not to long ago.

I wana have kids to. I’ll probabably need to adopt, and I’m very ok with that as I was also.
And I know I will never ever do the shit my family did to me, I’ll never treat anyone like I was, especially a kid. Learn from their mistakes. Take that dysfunction they have and use that as a positive thing in your future.

As fucked up as it may seem, there is something positive in all that shit that’s happened. It sounds just hard to find and see
You’ll find it, and you’ll use it

Until then we’re all here for you bro

:hug: