Me [20/m]. My boyfriend [22/m] has his own pleasurable time and steals underwear.

[giles2603]

So it's been a long time since I was on these forums. They helped me a lot when I was younger and hope its doing the same for all of you. I am now nearing 21 but I'm hoping you could give your opinion on the below as i'm not sure where else to look for advise. I have tried to keep the words on the low so its safe for work. Much appreciated :)

tl:dr: Should your partner be able to have their own pleasurable time if your in a relationship where you live together? If your partner stole someone else underwear and hid the from you, would you question this?

I'm 21 this month and have been in my first ever relationship for 2.5 years now. He is 22 and this is his first serious relationship. It's been great so far. We do not argue, however we have had the odd moments like any relationship.

So this may sound strange to others, apologies in advance. We are young and share the same interests. We have a friend who is straight and in a relationship, however we've had drunk nights with him and his girlfriend and events have happened with him. It's just a bit a fun and me and my boyfriend have always had the hots for him. For a laugh we have in the past stolen some of his underwear. My boyfriend says he gets a thrill from it as they dont know he has taken them and he sneakily wear them around him without them knowing.

Im happy with the above as its something we both like. I have in the past said to him that I do not like when he has 'fun' with them behind my back. One because he's pleasuring himself without me when we live together, why would he not want me to be a part of this. Secondly because it feels as if he would rather have fun with our friend instead of me. I have bad anxiety and I worry and overthink a lot. So it may be that others feel there is nothing wrong here and that my boyfriend just wants some time alone to do his own thing?

FOllowing on from this, we had my sister and her long term boyfriend stay over the other week. After they left I found a pair of my sisters boyfriends underwear hidden in our bedroom drawer. I see him as part of the family I guess, he is a friend but only beacsue hes my sisters boyfriend. I'm all up for being naughty and doing drunk things, but this just feels weird to me. The funny thing is my boyfriend hasnt told me about this stolen underwear. I only came across them beause I do the majority of the 'housework' and tidy a lot because I hate mess.

They have been hidden for some time now and hes even moved where they were hidden. This morning however I have come to find them 'messy' and ripped. Which means he's had some time to himself again. I am at work a lot for overtime but I still get the majority of time with him as we do live together.

It depends on your opinion whether your partner can have their own pleasurable time. He wouldnt see my sisters bf as family however surely he must have thought of my thought which is why he has hidden them this whole time.

Because of my anxiety, it just makes me think he doesn't want me in that way and he has more pleasure by himself thinking about other guys. Who else's underwear has he stolen? How many times has he had his own pleasure? He has had a lot of little experiences before our relationship, only first step things. It's hard to put into words, I hope this makes sense and thank you for spending the time to read this.

[ska8er]

I think u should sit down especially
when the two of u r horny and ready
to explore each other to ask him if he
finds the relationship getting stale cause
in some cases he has this fetish for wearing
anothers underwear I guess to get some kind
of pleasure. I'm sure this could go further if the
situation is right. Idk y u urself are also stealing
someone elses underwear. Maybe u want to make
him jealous. If u r in a good relationship together
the pleasurable time should b shared with each
other and if u want to use some toys maybe that
will help.

[ImagineRepublicCity]

Firstly, you're probably better off asking a question like this else where (Sorry VT Admins, I love you guys, don't ban me haha) like reddit because you're more than likely going to find people in similar situations, because they're older than you or the same age. Here everyone is more than likely younger so it's harder to find your solution.

If you said they were your underwear, I would say it's fine and you should let him have some alone time, but if they're someone else's? You should probably chat to him and tell him you feel uncomfortable with it because it makes the relationship feel less genuine.

To some extent, I think it's actually normal that he's doing what he's doing, but it's not making you feel alright, which is not okay. It's like how you can be in a relationship, and watch porn online. He's basically doing that but in his head right? And they also happen to be people you know. If you or him watched porn and got yourself off alone, would that make you upset/uncomfortable? Maybe think about it that way, it's alright to watch porn in a relationship imo.

[Ragle]

crap, watta mess.

You could have described this prob in a lesser amount of sentences and less details.

Now, your friend has a fetish. I suppose that really isn't an issue for Puberty 101.

So, talk to him.

And if he can't answer your questions, tell him to move to a trailer park and remain there until he can explain his behavior satisfactorily.

[SilverSM]

Listen man, the one I stress about any relationship is communication. Bad communication and your relationship is doomed. My advice: confront him, tell him while you were tidying up you found the underwear and then found it again im the condition. Ask him about it and anything else that he should come clean about. If he's defensive or avoids the questions, give him a day or two and then confront him again. If he can't be honest with you currently, then how honest could he really be. Now sayimg that I don't want you to lose trust, when confronting him you should be trusting him and make sure that he knows that you trust him. If he doesn't believe you, make him believe you. Also do not, I repeat do not, let him guilt you or make you think you're beimg silly. With what you said about your anxiety you shouldn't let him make you think you're being weird about it. You must be assertive and make sure he understands that you trust him and just want him to be honest. So yeah, thats my advice, if you arent sure, get more advice from others so you can go at this your way. We're all here to support you buddy :)

[Elysium]

Similar threads have been merged, so you can keep all the replies in one place. Sorry for any confusion. ~Elysium

[samuel15]

Some people find it exiting doing things they shouldn't, I'm not saying it is like that but he might like doing it because he know it's wrong and he enjoys the excitement of doing bad stuff without being cought.

[Ethan19]

I think the two problems here are you and your boyfriend's fetish. He clearly has a fetish for it, that's why he does it. You need to get over yourself and realise that a relationship isn't all about you.

This is a blunt way to say it, but, it's true.

If my partner wanted to get off by themselves, who am I to give a f*ck. You're two different people with different lives. Plus, more than likely when he realised you were fine with him taking the other guys underwear he assumed it was fine.

I wouldn't say sit down and tell him how you feel about him pleasing himself, because it's selfish and intolerable. You can say how you felt weird about him stealing your sister's boyfriend's underwear because you feel he's a relative. But, telling him something that you've fabricated in your head for what you believe his purpose of this underwear is, in of itself, this is bigoted.

I'd argue if you can't be at peace with what he wants to do by himself, you're not ready for a relationship.

[Croconaw]

In a relationship, there should be no secrets. In all honesty, if you feel the need to hide something from your partner, you probably should not be doing it. I think if he is trying to hide the underwear from you, he knows that you would have a problem with it.

It is absolutely okay for him to have his own pleasurable time, as long as he isn’t going around getting sex from other dudes. I feel that if you want to do something like that and you are in a relationship, you should check with your significant other and make sure it is okay. Of course you don’t need permission to go to the bathroom, but if you want to steal someone else’s underwear and pleasure yourself, just please check with your partner. It will be better and nobody will be hurt.