The mess in my head (2)

[Anonymous404]

I didn't know how to put a proper titles to this thread, because my problems are way to mixed up to perceive.
I'm 16 years old and I feel like there's a part of me that I've always repressed, something like my contact with the nature, but also that there were so many feelings in me that I never solved or confessed along the time, and I feel like because of me being ignorant on them had me departed from my true self. Even if I manage to perceive some of them in this moment, it will still feel as if something is missing.
I'm also a little desoriented, because I feel like I could have done a lot of things that I wanted but never got encouraged and never been treated seriously about it, as if I wasn't supposed to be doing them. But now I feel so wrong that I didn't do them.
I feel like everything I'm doing is very cliche and that I'm not supposed to be doing it, I don't !#&*$ know what's wrong with me!!!!
As I was typing the lines above, my mom was yelling at me about not going to the preparation at maths, and she constantly makes me feel like I'm supposed to feel a giant burden over my shoulders, and I can't help but feel it because ofherwise I would feel lost in my judgemental thoughts.I hate my parents so much, I hate her sooo much, I can't help it. I don't know how to get out because everything I do requires either her money or her simple permission, and she makes me feel like I can't handle anything on my own though I'm trying to but she tried to drag me down by taking advantage of me needing a drop of understanding or being less lonely.
I don't feel identified with anything, and everytime I'm trying to think about something, it feels in vain and like a waste of time and move on to another one.
I can't even read a book, because it feels like I'm supposed to feel pain. I also feel I maturized too fast, though there are so much things I didn't learn from my past experiences and the overwork and oressures from school had me having to take for granted most of the information, and didn't understand a thing. I just want to run away somewhere in Japan or some any other country with strong moral values and with open minded folk.
I'm just surrounded by people that are closed-minded, and even if they are open, they wouldn't open to me, which makes it feel all the same. I feel like I forced myself into growing up in a way that I didn't feel identified with, and I constantly need to seek problems only to feel like I'm deviating from something so I would feel hope.
Sometimes I feel like only because I can make connections between the things that happen to me emotionally it makes me feel like I'm supposed to understand that I actually have a consciousness and understand what is wrong with me, but truth be told, I have no f'''ing clue.
I feel all messed up, as if I wanted to do so many things, but none of them mechanical as I forced myself to believe only to feel 'smarter', and I guess that apparently I have a wrong sense of being smart.
I'm approaching 17 years old and I feel like I grew up but how is that possible if I can't even figure out what's that I'm actually willing to do, or if I do, I'm afraid that it might only be an illusion and that it only feels that way because of the age.
I never felt this confused before, and I feel like if I'm willing to do something, it wouldn't be enough to even do for an infinite amount of time to get me emotionally accomplished.

Also, I feel overly-competitive, overly-sensitive at everything.


Now, it's pretty hard for me to organize my thoughts, especially because if I did, I would probably see things clearly and not write this thread, but I hope you got something out of them and help me find a clear path through them. Thanks in advance!
P.s.: How can I establish boundaries to protect myself of toxic people and still be driven by my emotions without having the sense of repression?

[ImagineRepublicCity]

Let me tell you a bit about myself. When I was in the middle of high school (14yo) my life was at a down time low. My mum passed away, my family was breaking apart, and I had very little support and friends at school. I made almost no attempt to study, I made no attempt to socialise at school, and I played video games everyday until 7 in the morning until I graduated.

I have now moved interstate to live with my partner, I have plenty of friends which are there to support me and I'm currently attending university. When things come crashing down, you don't really know what's going to happen. Things feel like the end, like nothing's worth it. People are shouting at you, people are barking at you, and yet people are not there for you. You don't have to know what's happening to enjoy yourself. After I received my grade for school, I felt bummed. I felt like I just ruined myself, I couldn't get anywhere with the score I received, but to be honest, it didn't stop me from doing what I wanted to do. There is never a time where it's too late to start doing. You just have to tell yourself when that time is. You can make mistakes, you can make 1000 mistakes, but you have to attempt that 1 success before you can give up.

In this day and age, it's okay to feel like you're growing up too fast. I'm only 18 and heck I feel like I'm still supposed to be in school learning about puberty or something. Think about all the kids in America standing up for gun control laws. They're growing up, and it's okay for you to be too. You're never going to fit every single detail in your life, take what you get and use it. You have a whole future to patch things up.

The road block people face is telling themselves they can't do something or saying they're not good at this when in reality, you haven't even tried. Are you supposed to be out of the womb speaking 12 languages? Are you supposed to have an epiphany and suddenly because the next Shakespeare? No! You have to push yourself to do it. You have to do the learning. And it's okay if it starts with 1 phrase at a time. It's okay to start with 1 sentence at a time, because at the end of the day, you know that you are 1 step ahead of everyone else, because you are putting that effort in to become the person you want to be.

Also, I recommend you head onto reddit onto the raised by narcissits (https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/) sub. You might find that you're not the only one feeling this way.