In relationship but want to experience more?

[CarsonBauer]

Hi, I'm new here, my name is Carson. I'm 19, almost 20, and I've got so much on my mind. I feel like a sack of shit for all these thoughts running through my head, but I need help from totally outside perspectives on what to do! I don't know anymore.

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and I love her to death. She is the best person I have ever met, and I am not just saying that; she is smart, funny, caring, inspiring, attractive, and just everything I could want. I've had some real shitty relationships in the past before her in which I got used, abused, etc, and she is the first person to truly accept me as I am. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her, easily. But, a lot has changed lately in our lives, and it's made me an absolute disaster and I don't know what I want to do or why I feel like I do anymore.

So we were both in college until a month ago, and we both had to drop out. There are a lot of reasons behind it. No, we did not do it together because of the separation factor had one stayed and the other left. But, having dropped out, we ended up moving back into my parents' house, because her parents are totally unsupportive of her, hate her, do nothing for her and wanted nothing to do with her. They refuse to even speak with her, so she ended up here with me. At 6 months, coming from a college setting, this is quite a transition, not to mention we are living under my family's roof. I have a full time job in the company I have worked for since I was 16 (when I came home I received a promotion to assistant manager at my old store when I transferred back from my university store), where my girlfriend is only working part time, at the same place I work, which I am NOT a fan of but we had no other choice due to her lack of transportation. She makes very little money, does not have a car, and knows literally nothing about the adult world, thanks to her parents neglectful upbringing; they would not even allow her a drivers license. I have had to pretty much teach her how to drive. With dropping out, she is having to learn to adult very quickly, and with that all falling on me to teach her, I am becoming extremely frustrated with her lack of knowledge at this age. She doesn't want to deal with things like insurance, or making phone calls to transfer records and things like that, or taxes, or anything that she doesn't understand because it was never explained to her and she feels stupid. We have 1 year to become independent and move out, we pay rent to my parents, I would like to go back to school, and I hate to say it but at the moment having a girlfriend who can't function on her own is holding me back a little bit, and is putting a lot of stress on me. Which makes me feel like shit to say, because I absolutely love her.

In other areas, we have been rocky since the drop out. We argue damn near every day about finances, work, getting her a car, etc. Our sex life has been decreased a ton, in no small part because of living with my parents, but I have found lately even when opportunities have arose to have sex with her, I have not always been in the mood to do so like I used to be. I don't know if it's because of all the stress or frustration, but it makes her feel bad and it really makes me feel bad too, honestly. And on top of that, I've been feeling like I want to experience more independently since I got out of college and came home. Again, I love my girlfriend and do NOT want to lose her, and this is where the shitty part of me comes out, but I have felt like I want to go on a date or just spend time with another girl lately just to maybe reinforce that what I have going with my current girl is such a good thing? Like it sounds so stupid to say I want to basically cheat to remind myself that my girl now is exactly the person I want, but given how frustrated and difficult she has been lately, I really do just have the desire to do that? And I hate it, I fucking hate myself for it, because I never thought I would be someone like that. But I know a girl, a very pretty girl, who I could have that exact experience with and give myself that reminder. But I would then be a jackass who is unworthy of the girlfriend he has. I want to cheat, but I don't, and I don't fucking know why I'm thinking like this because I never intend to break this relationship off.

I just need some help unraveling this stuff, anyone who takes the time to help me out I really appreciate it. I feel so terrible about myself right now for these thoughts.

[jamie_n5]

You said that your girlfriend is very intelligent and smart. Why can't she grasp a hold of normal things and learn them without getting frustrated and wanting to give up? She should gradually be able to get into a more adult thinking person you would think. I think it's great how you are standing by her and trying to teach and support her. I hope that you can keep this up.

As far as your cheating. Cheating is cheating. You have to decide if you want your GF or an other girl. Instead of cheating why don't you try going out with the guys and have some fun to clear your mind. You can relax and get away from the stress of being with your GF constantly. It's worth a try I think anyway. Good luck and hang in there.

[StacyD]

A few things.

1. Cheating on your girlfriend with another girl to "reinforce" what you have with your GF is complete bullshit. If you want to cheat, cheat. If you don't want a girlfriend, dump her. But to say, hey, "I'm gonna go eat liver and onions to confirm that the steak I have in my fridge is what I really like" is complete garbage. Jamie is absolutely right, do something else - go out with friends, take up like an amateur group sport where you get to hang with other guys, go work out, go run, go do anything else to get your mind rebooted. You say you love this girl? Then what the hell do you need to "reinforce?" You wanna screw around, then go screw around, just be man enough to admit your true intentions and tell your GF you want things to be open or don't do it at all. If however, which I think is probably the case, you are unsure about how much you really love this girl and how much you want to commit to her when things are pretty crappy, then call it for what it is and tell her, look, I'm not sure this is the right thing at the right time. Even though you may love her, it might not be enough and it damn sure doesn't seem like it's at the right time and situation for you both.

2. I swear I'm surprised to sound like my mom, but I do... welcome to adulthood. Kinda, not really. I mean you are still living with mommy and daddy, so it's not complete adulthood. But everything else you mention is cold hard reality. All this stuff you mention is what happens when you want to do what you're doing. You take the good with the bad or nothing at all. Maybe it's not the right time for you guys and you need to part ways. I think that's probably the case as really both of you are not mature enough, or secure enough (financially, socially, job, education, etc. wise) to make believe like you are married. Right now if trying to focus on bringing her into the world of adulthood is holding you back or bringing you down, you need to re-examine how healthy you are for each other. Then, in a year's time, two, whatev, when you are back in school and things are more secure, you can try to revisit it. If it's what you both want.

3. All of it is what it is. No use in beating yourself up or feeling bad or calling yourself names. Just pick yourself up, stand straight and take a good hard look at how much you think it will take to commit and make this relationship work *right now*, with all you both are going through, and then decide if you can afford it (time, energy, emotional, financial wise) or if you really don't want to do it. If not, no sense delaying things, just part ways. If you do, then shut the fuck up with your bullshit "reinforce" nonsense and be a man for your woman.

I know this might not mean a lot coming from a 16 year old girl, but, just my opinion. Take it FWIW but I hope it helped. Good luck.

[ska8er]

Take a little time to urself and
take a breather then go back
and try to make it work with ur
girl. I don't suggest u go out
with another girl unless u and
ur girlfriend end ur relationship.

[lliam]

I know this type of girl. They are not stupid, but in a way they refuse to grow up. I call this generalizing the princess syndrome.

That her parents apparently didn't prepare her for life may be just one reason that she is the way she is. Another reason may be that she inwardly isn't ready to live the life of an adult.

This part should definitely be clarified between you two. Because if she doesn't develop more mature, then your relationship has no future.

The relationship with her is then no more than a father-daughter relationship.

And raising a child that should actually be your equal partner in the relationship of you both is, as mature as you may feel, neither your job, nor do I think you're really ready for it.

Even if it's hard, that's what you should do: talk about your personal view on her, and in any way, it applies same to your girlfriend.



And of course, there is no question that you are cheating on her. This isn't very mature, although many adults do that too often. Better break up.


But tell your girlfriend exactly what you described in your post above.

There may be quarrels, but that's what you have to learn to bear. And if the argument gets too hot, everyone should retreat to his/her private corner.

My girlfriend and I came to an agreement, namely that no problem should only smolder inside a partner. Because at some point the fire breaks out and there is nothing more to save, if both each have the intention to keep their partnership alive.

[NewLeafsFan]

You are young to have been given large responsibilities plus being able to work full time and maintain a serious relationship. Despite the fact that you dropped out of college, I think that you should be proud of yourself.

The honeymoon phase of your relationship is over and now you have to deal with the real stuff. You just seem to have a lot more 'real stuff' than most people your age do when they get to this part of the relationship. In every relationship, there are eventually challenges. Clearly, you have reached yours. I don't think that separating would end your problems. You would just start looking for a more independent girl but challenges in a new relationship would eventually arise. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Cheating is a ridiculous idea and would probably end your already rocky relationship. I think that having sex more often would bring you closer together. So no, it doesn't have to be when you're in the perfect mood or when you're really horny. Keep that in mind.

[Wallky]

You realized that she isn't adapted to adulthood. This will not change just because it's hard for you. She will not be able to learn all that you taught your life in a week. Either you understand it and help she, or you understand it and break up with her.

[Dan_2004]

Try to not bring up the topic that you argue about for a day. In that day so something like take her for a coffee or something then say something along the lines that we as in you and her need to stop arguing. Ease her into it and don’t put much of the blame on her. Then ask if you can talk to her and tell her all of your feelings that are making you feel like shit. That part is hard. You need to remind her that you are still breathing and gf you kinda need to re kindle your love for each other. You could try doing things that she enjoys together hopefully this helps btw