My parents are acting weird. Advice?

[PinkFloyd]

Alright, so ever since I hit the age of the beginning of maturity; the age where you start to think a lot more for yourself and begin to have more adult type thoughts and you do what you want to do instead of going on playdates that were set up for you by your parents. I'm talking about basic stuff such as leaving your street on your bike with your friends at like age 7 or 8. ANYWAYS, ever since that time, my parents have been pretty relaxed. I was allowed to sleep over at friend's houses at a moment's notice all through middle school and after a year or so of having my license is when my curfew started to slip. I was 17 at this point. My weekend curfew was 11 pm, but if I showed up at 1 or 2 am, my parents didn't really mind at all. Then at 18, the curfew disappeared altogether. If I wasn't gonna show up at home any certain night, I'd just send a courtesy text to my mom saying where I would be spending the night and that was that.

However, recently, it's become very peculiar and weird. I've been doing my normal thing of not really showing up at my house for sometimes days at a time, but in the last month or so, my parents have been telling me "You can't just come and go whenever you please like you own the place. Life can't just be a constant party We need to know what you're up to." AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE because my parents and I have an understanding that I'm allowed to drink, smoke weed, and do other stupid young adult shit and as long as they didn't see it or smell it, then they wouldn't take it and destroy it. They've stayed true to that. But they're breaking point is me staying out and coming back at 3 in the morning? If I can hold a full-time job and pay my bills, why the fuck does this shit matter? "Oh you can smoke weed on the deck when we're gone, but don't even think about coming back in the early hours of the morning."

It's gotten baaaaad too. My brother and I recently had a pretty bad falling out with them, so now both me, an employed 20 year-old and an employed 18 year-old have curfews of 10 PM on weekdays. It's like I'm a kid. I COULD just give the middle finger to my parents rules and ignore them, but they told me that if I or my brother broke curfew five times, that we'd be kicked out. The craziest thing is that I've been saving up for an apartment. My goal is $5,000 and then I'm gonna be out of here. I have $3,702 in my savings so far, so really if they did kick me out, I would have a cushion. I have several theories as to why my parents are suddenly treating me and my bro like a couple of 16 year-olds. Theory A is they want us to move out so they can have alone time, and B is that they hate seeing the time pass so fast in front of their eyes, so they're trying to preserve our childhoods...? I don't know, but this shit's making me want to explode. I really don't understand it at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[NewLeafsFan]

I don't believe in either of those theories. You want me to believe that one random day your parents decided that they've had enough of you and your brother? Or that they suddenly don't want you to grow up even though they're threatening to kick you out? Something has changed and it likely isn't your parents. Have you started spending a lot more time away from home? Did something happen to make your parents feel like you and/or your brother act irresponsibly? Have either of you done something unrelated and this is how they're punishing you?

Either way, the only way that you're gonna find out is a direct talk with your parents. And good for you for saving for a while before moving out. You sound like you have a good plan for yourself.

[skittlesh]

They are living as not the only adults in the house they are trying to keep the authority as they’ve now lost the we are adults excuse

[lliam]

I would tell my parents that it's none of their business where I spend my time. I would tell them that I am an adult now and they have to respect that fact, even if I still live with them.


Maybe your bro and you should take your relationship to your parents to a more business-bound level, which eg means you rent the rooms you live in and make your parents your landlords, with legally binding contracts, etc. Of course, only if you can afford that.

[Abyssal Echo]

I would tell my parents that it's none of their business where I spend my time. I would tell them that I am an adult now and they have to respect that fact, even if I still live with them.

Yes Rob and his bro are adults.... In my opinion "Respect" like "Trust" is earned not something you automatically receive when you become an adult in my opinion Rob isn't showing his parents any respect by showing up whenever he pleases at whatever time he pleases. He lives in their house so is under their rules... sounds to me like they're fed up with his BS.


Maybe your bro and you should take your relationship to your parents to a more business-bound level, which eg means you rent the rooms you live in and make your parents your landlords, with legally binding contracts, etc. Of course, only if you can afford that.

I have to agree with ^ this ^ Idea. The way I see it it's either this^ or get your own place.

[Uniquemind]

Alright, so ever since I hit the age of the beginning of maturity; the age where you start to think a lot more for yourself and begin to have more adult type thoughts and you do what you want to do instead of going on playdates that were set up for you by your parents. I'm talking about basic stuff such as leaving your street on your bike with your friends at like age 7 or 8. ANYWAYS, ever since that time, my parents have been pretty relaxed. I was allowed to sleep over at friend's houses at a moment's notice all through middle school and after a year or so of having my license is when my curfew started to slip. I was 17 at this point. My weekend curfew was 11 pm, but if I showed up at 1 or 2 am, my parents didn't really mind at all. Then at 18, the curfew disappeared altogether. If I wasn't gonna show up at home any certain night, I'd just send a courtesy text to my mom saying where I would be spending the night and that was that.

However, recently, it's become very peculiar and weird. I've been doing my normal thing of not really showing up at my house for sometimes days at a time, but in the last month or so, my parents have been telling me "You can't just come and go whenever you please like you own the place. Life can't just be a constant party We need to know what you're up to." AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE because my parents and I have an understanding that I'm allowed to drink, smoke weed, and do other stupid young adult shit and as long as they didn't see it or smell it, then they wouldn't take it and destroy it. They've stayed true to that. But they're breaking point is me staying out and coming back at 3 in the morning? If I can hold a full-time job and pay my bills, why the fuck does this shit matter? "Oh you can smoke weed on the deck when we're gone, but don't even think about coming back in the early hours of the morning."

It's gotten baaaaad too. My brother and I recently had a pretty bad falling out with them, so now both me, an employed 20 year-old and an employed 18 year-old have curfews of 10 PM on weekdays. It's like I'm a kid. I COULD just give the middle finger to my parents rules and ignore them, but they told me that if I or my brother broke curfew five times, that we'd be kicked out. The craziest thing is that I've been saving up for an apartment. My goal is $5,000 and then I'm gonna be out of here. I have $3,702 in my savings so far, so really if they did kick me out, I would have a cushion. I have several theories as to why my parents are suddenly treating me and my bro like a couple of 16 year-olds. Theory A is they want us to move out so they can have alone time, and B is that they hate seeing the time pass so fast in front of their eyes, so they're trying to preserve our childhoods...? I don't know, but this shit's making me want to explode. I really don't understand it at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.



This is why I define the borderline between childhood/adulthood at a empathetic and cognition level and not by calendar maturity, not at age 16, or 18, to then have the right to drive or have sex, or be treated like an adult in court.

Right now you aren't taking the perspective of what a parent wants to see their children do and be capable of in a hypothetical scenario if "would they be okay if I wasn't around".


You say you pay your expenses, but you have to ask yourself:

Do you really? Or is that extra income you've earned that you spend on fun things that should be more saved for your future rather than in the now?

Understand the American dream of independence and being "okay" isn't the standard of affording an apartment....it's about having a stable cash flow to OWN a house and secure it down for a family of your own.

^. THAT IS THE STANDARD. And anything below that standard triggers parental concern of perhaps my child isn't disciplined to delay gratification and really appreciate what I'm doing by reducing their rent.


So perhaps they were lenient when you were younger, letting you enjoy a brief lax household ruleset hoping you'd instinctively figure this out....but now they're tightening the rules because they see you haven't figured it out.


This is my two cents hopefully I didn't offend you but made you a bit wiser.

We're in an Economic class war...this isn't peacetime it never was remember your school history.

---

Also keep in mind the trend of where jobs are headed....low-specialization work is going to disappear.


The jobs you have now, are they at high risk of disappearing in 10-20 years due to automation? If they are you need to prepare for this, because if your parents are aware of this shift in the labor market, they are probably operating on the assumption of where you'll end up given the new work conditions our generation faces:

Truck drivers > unneeded (Tesla's automated trucks exist)

Janitors > surplus of workers exist

Fast food > automated machines make fast food now or surplus workers

Programmers > replaced by company mergers and AI programing.

---

Be aware of the past, know the present, anticipate the future. Do all 3 at once. Your original post only communicates you do the first two.

Reacting on what's happening to you in the present, and basing your views of justice/injustice based on the present.

[lliam]

Yes Rob and his bro are adults.... in my opinion Rob isn't showing his parents any respect by showing up whenever he pleases at whatever time he pleases. He lives in their house so is under their rules... sounds to me like they're fed up with his BS.


Agreed. But I used "respect" in terms of accepting the fact blah blah ...
Also that's my oppinion too. Respect you simply have to earn.

But to be honest, the general context from an adult perspective is that they expect from minors to be respected.

And from the pob of most adolescents: this even without any condition.

Which, of course, clearly proves that adults with this attitude themselves show no respect for children and adolescents.

Ans the fatal thing is that children and adolescents take on more and more this attitude as they get older.



Personally, I now react somewhat allergic to someone who uses the word respect, or demands respect. I usually use respect similar ro the context I used as an example above. More on a purely business or factual level.

But I show respect in a rather neutral way, which I often describe with "polite distance" or simply "acceptance of the existent".



In Rob's case, I see it this way:

Since he says that his parents all of a sudden changed their behavior, my reading is very similar to yours.

Of course, in this case he shows that he doesn't care much about whether or not this behavior annoys his parents or not. But on the otherhand his parents have simply provoked this behavior, or even supported it, by saying nothing or not much for a long time.


So, I wouldn't even use the word respect, especially since parents should not just make such rules based on the argument ... "My house, my rules."


That may be lawfully granted to them, but I think parents avoid the fact that they are "guilty" because of their children even exists. And as long as these children can't take care for themselves, the parent's property, eg "the house," is also the property of the parent's kids. Should imo be a law anyway.

But children are independent individuals from birth, even if they still need the help of their parents for years in order to develop into independent and responsible individuals.

According to this I derived my advice with the renting of the previously own rooms. Because I think that it is an enormous learning process for both sides, if the children take the roles as tenants and the parents the part of the landlords. And everything based on legally valid contracts.



But personally, I would always advise to move out, if this possibility offers itself somehow.

It's easier to comply with rules based on a contract with a stranger than with someone with whom one has a deeper emotional and social bond. Even there are some exceptions.

[Abyssal Echo]

Agreed. But I used "respect" in terms of accepting the fact blah blah ...
Also that's my oppinion too. Respect you simply have to earn.

But to be honest, the general context from an adult perspective is that they expect from minors to be respected.

And from the pob of most adolescents: this even without any condition.

Which, of course, clearly proves that adults with this attitude themselves show no respect for children and adolescents.

Ans the fatal thing is that children and adolescents take on more and more this attitude as they get older.


Personally, I now react somewhat allergic to someone who uses the word respect, or demands respect. I usually use respect similar ro the context I used as an example above. More on a purely business or factual level.

But I show respect in a rather neutral way, which I often describe with "polite distance" or simply "acceptance of the existent".



In Rob's case, I see it this way:

Since he says that his parents all of a sudden changed their behavior, my reading is very similar to yours.

Of course, in this case he shows that he doesn't care much about whether or not this behavior annoys his parents or not. But on the otherhand his parents have simply provoked this behavior, or even supported it, by saying nothing or not much for a long time.


So, I wouldn't even use the word respect, especially since parents should not just make such rules based on the argument ... "My house, my rules."


That may be lawfully granted to them, but I think parents avoid the fact that they are "guilty" because of their children even exists. And as long as these children can't take care for themselves, the parent's property, eg "the house," is also the property of the parent's kids. Should imo be a law anyway.

But children are independent individuals from birth, even if they still need the help of their parents for years in order to develop into independent and responsible individuals.

According to this I derived my advice with the renting of the previously own rooms. Because I think that it is an enormous learning process for both sides, if the children take the roles as tenants and the parents the part of the landlords. And everything based on legally valid contracts.



But personally, I would always advise to move out, if this possibility offers itself somehow.

It's easier to comply with rules based on a contract with a stranger than with someone with whom one has a deeper emotional and social bond. Even there are some exceptions.

I see your point of emotional ties vs a stranger... Imo at this point it would be easier to follow the house rules that he (Rob) grew up with then to have to deal with a rental agreement/ lease plus noisy nosy neighbors.... maybe it would be better for Rob and his bro to get their own place and have to live by the apt complex rules/rental agreement so they'll find out that them coming home at different early morning hours and making lots of noise wont be tolerated... well not for long.

[lliam]

at least in any case it would be a educational expierience

[Abyssal Echo]

at least in any case it would be a educational expierience

yes it would be

[Just JT]

I’ll be honest ok?
Your open about your drinkin n shit so probably nothing new to them right?
And maybe there seeing your bro doing the same shit
And maybe they don’t like what they see

Not sayin that’s all ok, probably pretty normal shit right?
But fuck they are your parents right?


You and your bro are growing up and in the fast lane to

How you think your parents feel when how long ago they was doin what to help you in some way?

Think their just trying to hold on to your youth and the past a little more

Be nice about it ya no

[Wallky]

This is their home and they can come up with any rules. I think that you just have to endure this time.

[Billy1212]

I would tell my parents that it's none of their business where I spend my time. I would tell them that I am an adult now and they have to respect that fact, even if I still live with them.


Maybe your bro and you should take your relationship to your parents to a more business-bound level, which eg means you rent the rooms you live in and make your parents your landlords, with legally binding contracts, etc. Of course, only if you can afford that.
I think if you live with someone, you do as they say.
Adult or not, it's their house, and their letting you stay for free. I get they're parents, but if your an adult, it's no longer their job to protect you.
This is about the first statement btw