my sort of ex, now bestie causing so much mental pain

[Andrew99]

the girl, lets say she’s called ‘grace’ for privacy purposes has me in a real toxic situation.

the situation is, last summer/autumn me and this girl were getting with eachother. about october time she became uninterested in me and we decided just to be friends. i have very bad anxiety problems, this was the first girl i had ever had something with and all of a sudden it just stopped. i had always wanted a girlfriend so badly and i never thought it would happen, and i actually thought it was finally going to happen to me (bare in mind i’m 18). i can’t just cut her out of my life because we are best friends now after more than 6 months on from that happening. i guess because she has more experience with relationships (2 ex boyfriends) she found it easier to get over. to this very day i am not over her and still have feelings for her. i don’t want to have them because i know nothing will ever come of it but the feelings just won’t go away. we are such good friends and i want it to stay like that because we’ve helped eachother through a lot, and we get along so well but if she gets with another boy it really angers me and i can’t take it, and i just feel like i blew my one chance of ever getting a girlfriend without actually doing anything wrong.

i think i need to talk to her about how i feel but we both have very bad depression and anxiety, and i don’t want to make her feel guilty or whatever for partly why i am so mentally damaged. mostly i don’t want to try and bring this up to her and for it to end up in us losing our friendship because it’s the last thing i want.

any help available i’d really appreciate, thank you. :)

[jamie_n5]

Well I think you really need to talk to her about how you really feel. You are super best friends but what is the thing with her stopping her from wanting a serious relationship with you? Why does she feel you can be best friends and not lovers? If she doesn't want a relationship with you and it's going to tear you apart if she dates an other guy then I think you need to totally abandon her and move on and try finding an other girl you like.

[andrew1999]

Well I think you really need to talk to her about how you really feel. You are super best friends but what is the thing with her stopping her from wanting a serious relationship with you? Why does she feel you can be best friends and not lovers? If she doesn't want a relationship with you and it's going to tear you apart if she dates an other guy then I think you need to totally abandon her and move on and try finding an other girl you like.

yeah i do need to talk to her but i really don’t want to end our friendship. and besides i don’t think our friendship can end because we are so close, and we are friends with a lot of the same people so it couldn’t work to abandon her. we both are obviously attracted to each other and we get along really well but she wants to move far away for university

[jamie_n5]

Well who really knows what could happen down the road. A lot of people put getting done with college ahead of getting into any serious relationship. That might be her reason. If it is or whatever her reason is she owes it to you to tell you what that reason is.

[lliam]

If you really feel the need, talk to her. Personally I wouldn't do it, at least not yet.

Even if you the booth of you have agreed to remain friends, the reactions that you describe, eg, in relation to her possible other friends, are imo much too fresh, so that such a conversation may end in a violent argument. Such talks I've seen ending in cruel disputes.

What you need is the greatest possible emotional distance to the this ended relationship.

Because she has the right to meet other guys and, depending on her gut feelings, to have a relationship with one of them.

That can happen in several years, or even overnight, she does not have to pay attention to your feelings in such a case.

But you've a duty to keep yourself completely out of her possible relationships, cause it is nothing of your concern anymore.

However, if the very idea that she could meet someone, causes jealousy or even anger, I highly doubt you are really ready for such a talk.

But of course I can be wrong, because I do not know how you deal with such feelings.

As I mentioned above, I've often seen friends react too emotionally to such clarifying conversations because they lacked the necessary distance.

Since I don't know how I would react, my GF and I came to this agreeement, namely, not having such a clarifying talk after a possible ending of our reltionship, unless each of us has worked out this case completely for themselves.

[NewLeafsFan]

Well I think you really need to talk to her about how you really feel. You are super best friends but what is the thing with her stopping her from wanting a serious relationship with you? Why does she feel you can be best friends and not lovers? If she doesn't want a relationship with you and it's going to tear you apart if she dates an other guy then I think you need to totally abandon her and move on and try finding an other girl you like.

I'm gonna be really blunt because I think it's what you need. I think that this is terrible advice. She does not want a relationship and she has become a friend. You need to expand you horizons with both male and female friends. It is unhealthy for her to be your sole main best friend because of you feelings. As nice as it would be to tell her, it would only change the dynamics of your friendship and it wouldn't help you to get over her. I think it would just be an exercise in frustration cause it wouldn't accomplish anything and could damage a good friendship.

And for the love of God, do NOT hope that she will change her mind. Those false hopes will only keep you from moving on and you could get even more hurt. If it is meant for the two of you to be together someday it will happen without you holding on for way too long.

[SilverSM]

I'm gonna be really blunt because I think it's what you need. I think that this is terrible advice. She does not want a relationship and she has become a friend. You need to expand you horizons with both male and female friends. It is unhealthy for her to be your sole main best friend because of you feelings. As nice as it would be to tell her, it would only change the dynamics of your friendship and it wouldn't help you to get over her. I think it would just be an exercise in frustration cause it wouldn't accomplish anything and could damage a good friendship.

And for the love of God, do NOT hope that she will change her mind. Those false hopes will only keep you from moving on and you could get even more hurt. If it is meant for the two of you to be together someday it will happen without you holding on for way too long.

I agree with this person, find some new friends and expand your social circle. I understand it may be difficult since of you aforementioned anxiety and depression but I think you should put in an effort. Having her as your only best friend will only cause you to be in a deeper toxic state of mind and that isn't healthy.

But I think you should talk to her, any relationship-whether platonic or romantic-requires communication. If you do not talk to this girl then when you do get over her, you may bear a grudge or resentment.

If you are able to get over her then it just shows that you were better off as friends. plus you said you were hoping she would be your first girlfriend and that causes you to believe that you're meant to be.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I went through the same thing a few years ago but now I'm over that person and I am no longer in that toxic mindset.

[benlodge123]

I am in a friendship like that. I see what you mean about it being fragile. You feel as though anything you say will hurt her. As you have been friends for a long time, I think if she is as dedicated in that friendship as you are, then she wont de-friend you. You say you have been through a lot, and she has too. You need to talk to her, she needs to talk to you.

Never ever de-friend anyone that won't go out with you. Although its hard them saying you dont have chance, look at the bright side, you have an amazing friend.

[WeebOOF]

I think you should talk to her about how you feel