My boyfriend has Asperger's Syndrome

[gherkin2pickle]

I made a post recently pertaining to my relationship with him, but now that new stuff has come to light, a lot of what I was worried about makes sense now.

He just told me that he has Asperger's Syndrome, which essentially means that he has a hard time communicating (although there are indeed other aspects to Asperger's, I know this. Please don't attack me for making any assumptions). I also struggle with directly communicating with people, but that's just a result of my general awkwardness. Now that I know that he may legitimately struggle with deciphering subtleties, I feel like it is my responsibility to make communication easier for the both of us. I'd like more out of our relationship, but can't work up the nerve to talk about it. And because of this post's subject, I'm more nervous than before.

I'm asking people that have an educated and/or experienced standpoint when it comes to this type of thing. What are some things I can do to make communication easier for him, as well as myself? I feel responsible and want to make sure he's comfortable with whatever I say.

Thank you for reading ❤️

[Just JT]

You seem to be taking a really mature role in this, and that’s great.
A relationship like any other takes work t9 make it good, on both parts
Sometimes you need t9 get ou5side your comfort zone to do that
Even if it feel uncomfortable for you, and it may not be uncomfortable for him, might depend on the topic to
But yea people on the spectrum have difficulties with expression and communications
What I’ve done is just straight up ask them what I can do to help or whatever in any given situation. But that also depends on what is going on also
You may just need t9 really think about what you want to say to him to express yourself, maybe write it out, and set it aside a day or 2, go back to it and rethink it, edit it
Use as few words as possible and choose words that aren’t so easy to misunderstand, be direct. Don’t use fluf words
When talkimgbto him on an important topic sit with him, maybe hold his hand, and don’t force eye contact, but be available for if he chooses to. Eye contact will be hard for him. Forcing it although isn’t a threat, gives the same kinda feeling
And don’t force a committed decision if there needs one to be made.
Autistic people they get shit just like we do. They simply process it a little differently then those not on the spectrum. So allow some time for him to think about stuff and get back to you on it. He will, he won’t forget. They are very detailed and brilliant people

[gherkin2pickle]

You are absolutely right. He is unlike any other person I've ever met before. He's extremely gifted and has so many talents, and he is very good about letting me know how much he cares, every single day. I'm lucky 😊

Thank you so much for replying - I completely understand what you're saying and will incorporate your suggestions into my interactions with him. You really seem to know what you're talking about, so thank you for the advice!

[Just JT]

You are absolutely right. He is unlike any other person I've ever met before. He's extremely gifted and has so many talents, and he is very good about letting me know how much he cares, every single day. I'm lucky 😊

Thank you so much for replying - I completely understand what you're saying and will incorporate your suggestions into my interactions with him. You really seem to know what you're talking about, so thank you for the advice!

Your welcome, good luck
And I’ve dome some volunteer work with kids on the spectrum.
Learned a lot
There’s many here in VT on the spectrum also
Most do not openly disclose it
But maybe so,e will reply and offer some assistance

[Uniquemind]

Also clearly establishing likes and dislikes (about food preferences or movie or specific sex acts do' s and don't s).

Very important to establish those early and directly without expecting them to infer why something is appropriate or inappropriate.


---

Group dating can be hard, and if in a social situation, remember to clearly define which topics are a no-go zone to discuss in group settings should he broach a topic that then reveals you told him about an issue in confidentiality, which them perhaps puts a group-social in an awkward position.


But everyone on the autism spectrum is different, personalities vary and some of this you need to play by ear.


My experiences and observations that people on the spectrum blurt things out in a very similar way to how a child might blurt things out awkwardly:

Context: boss is at house for dinner

Child says: so you're the incompetent fool my daddy keeps talking about.

Group context: parents put in awkward position.



^ so scenarios like that need to be known, and they aren't exclusive to relationships when someone is on the spectrum, but the incident rate I believe is higher.

[Stanley02]

Me too... just remember that he (if he is like me) will probably go along with your ideas and trust you all the time.

[NewLeafsFan]

I don't think that this is as big of a deal as you may think. If you dated him for a period of time without knowing and it wasn't effecting your relationship negatively, the only thing that has changed is you are nervous about dealing with a situation. If this relationship will last long term it will come up in conversation eventually. If you ever marry this guy, which should be a long time from now in your head, get premarital counselling so that you are both on the same page.

[jamie_n5]

I couldn't put it better than Just JT did. You and your boyfriend are truly special people and sounds like you are very good for each other

[Vegas2933]

I have it too. This condition affects people in different ways, and in my case, I have to have certain things done at certain times. I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend has many talents and has someone as supportive as you. :)

[JustMyHumbleOpinion]

Overall it probably doesn't change much- but its nice that you care so much to try to help him.
I am on the spectrum and i have to say that people on the spectrum are so varied it is insane- i know some people who socially outgoing on the spectrum, i also know autistic people who struggle with communication.

It affects everyone in very different ways and it really depends on your boyfriend as a individual.
I guess just try to help him in the areas that you think he struggles with.
Also try to make sure you're communication is solid within the relationship- something that applies to every single relationship tbh lol.