I feel like I have to decide between my boyfriend and my friends

[Dalcourt]

I had a talk with my best fried and it made me thinking.
She said what she loved so much about my personality was that I was always so funny and out going and that I seem to change more and more now.
It's not that she doesn't wanna be friends but she said she misses the old me.

This got me thinking am I becoming a different person now?

I was always very extrovert as a kid. I was always funny goofing around and playing the clown. I was happy sure,but at the same time a lot was simply acted since I wanted people to -believe- I'm happy. This was partly since I didn't want people to know about my bad home situation. If you play the class clown explaining injuries with being a clumsy ditz to you teacher is way more easier than if you are the quiet gloomy child.
Another part is maybe that when I was younger my bipolar was more remarkable in the manic phases and now since I have learned to deal with it better it's more the depressive phases that stand out.

So overall I seem much more quieter now, sure I'm growing up and I'm not a child anymore but I know that I sometimes am way to introvert
I don't want to be like that I want to be the funny friend they all seem to miss again but it's like something is stopping me but I don't know what it is.

It's my depressions which are really bad for many months now.
I feel I can work on all this somehow and become better again.


But she also saw a different problem and that is what really got to me. It's my boyfriend.

I used to have boyfriends that where part of our friends group. Everyone knew them they knew everyone and all was cool.
This new guy isn't part of any group,he is new in town,goes to a different school and isn't really interested in meeting my friends.
He keeps saying he won't fit in and all. I'm suspecting he's afraid of some of them or whatever.

So for me it's either him or my friends. I can't give up on my friends but I also don't want to give up on him. He's a nice quiet and friendly person not at all like my other boyfriends who used to be all bad guys to be honest.

I feel that my best friend Therese wanted to tell me that she feels I distance myself and try to be something better than they are. I don't wanna do this...it's just that my boyfriend doesn't seem comfortable with them and I don't want to force him.

This whole situation makes me feel even more depressed and I see no real way to deal with it

Sorry it's so long weird and confusing.

[Jaffe]

I really believe that no one should ever give up their friends for a romantic relationship, nor is it right for a partner to ask it nor require it, even if they do not verbalise it.

[ska8er]

I don't c y u cant have friends
and a boyfriend and either one
cant make demands on who u
r able to c or not c. At least u
have someone to confide in. I
cant follow all of the things u r
talking here. If u do have probs
with depression the best way to
try and get over it is to c a doctor.

[Just JT]

Well what I see here is your probably being more of your real self not someone who’s covering up shit. You were acting to hide whatever. You don’t need to anymore

Plus you been through a lot recently to right?
That changes people

But also, I don’t hear you saying anything about anyone pressuring you to choose to something.
It’s ok to have a relationship with someone you care about when they are t interested in your friend group. Might feel awkward but it’s also ok

[Dalcourt]

Sure I might have changed a bit growing up and I'm not longer the goofball I used to be at 12. But I increasingly feel that I am not longer myself, too.
It's like something is holding me back. When I am with my friends I often wanna do or say stuff and simply don't do it. It's so hard to explain...I still hope it's going away and I get out of being so depressed.

And my boyfriend I honestly sometimes don't know what to think about it. He is super nice yeah and well he accepts my friendship with Therese since for once she is a girl and she also is training becoming a nurse like his Mom and those people must of course be trustworthy, lol.
But otherwise it's hard sometimes. He comes from a different cultural background and I really try my best to understand him while he doesn't seem to be very much interested in getting our culture. He seems to be afraid of most of my male friends....and/ or jealous since I had sex with some of them.
We usually hang out at his place or my Grandma's. He obviously seems afraid of the crime where I live...not that it is as bad as he says but for him...yeah well.

So I can't and won't decide between him and my friends. I try to keep it seperate as best as I can. But my friends realised his low opinion of them and they accuse me of trying to distance myself since I wanna be "something better" than them. It's not true of course but kinda makes it hard to interact sometimes when they make such stupid remarks.
I hate arguing so I don't wanna argue with either party but they always bring me to the point where I feel I have to defend myself and what I do and who I am with.

[NewLeafsFan]

You need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You first need to understand why he doesn't want to meet your friends. It he older, speak a different language, of a different race? If this are the obstacles make sure that he knows that your friends are kind and accepting people.

If he is just shy, explain to him that your friends are a big part of your life and that you want him to be a big part of your life. But you can't divide your life into two separate worlds so you need to mix the two soon. And whatever you do, do not let him make you choose between him and your friends. If he tries to do that, end it with him before he makes you give up more for him.

[Dalcourt]

You need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You first need to understand why he doesn't want to meet your friends. It he older, speak a different language, of a different race? If this are the obstacles make sure that he knows that your friends are kind and accepting people.

If he is just shy, explain to him that your friends are a big part of your life and that you want him to be a big part of your life. But you can't divide your life into two separate worlds so you need to mix the two soon. And whatever you do, do not let him make you choose between him and your friends. If he tries to do that, end it with him before he makes you give up more for him.


I tried to talk to him but he doesn't really give any reasons. Sure our cultural background is completely different. He's Asian ( Filipino/ Chinese miix) whereas I and about 90 per cent of my friends are Black people but since he accepts me I don't see how it could be race related or anything.

He is only a year older than me so age can't be an issue either.

He as moved down here in the deep South only last year with his Mom from Michigan or so...so I guess he is just somehow overwhelmed by everthing being sorta different. He seems somehow intimidated and dunno.

He doesn't really talk about it and I have no idea how to make him without sounding annoying.

[NewLeafsFan]

I tried to talk to him but he doesn't really give any reasons. Sure our cultural background is completely different. He's Asian ( Filipino/ Chinese miix) whereas I and about 90 per cent of my friends are Black people but since he accepts me I don't see how it could be race related or anything.

He is only a year older than me so age can't be an issue either.

He as moved down here in the deep South only last year with his Mom from Michigan or so...so I guess he is just somehow overwhelmed by everthing being sorta different. He seems somehow intimidated and dunno.

He doesn't really talk about it and I have no idea how to make him without sounding annoying.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm getting out of this is because he refuses to have a conversation with you, you are responding by continuing to let him divide you and your friends. He's got things the way he likes it and won't change unless you change the dynamics.

If you can't communicate than I really don't think you two should be together. If you're still gonna try to make this work and continue to refuse to grow a back bone, have your friends met you somewhere with your boyfriend but don't tell him ahead of time and pretend you just ran into them.

So your options are continue to let your bf dived your friends, stick up to him and say something is bothering you, break up with him, or get a bit creative like with the scenario that I suggested.

[Dalcourt]

Lol, being told I have no backbone is something new. Usually I'm called an egotistic bitch that has everything to go his way.

I am still not prepared to break up with him as it's nice to have a boyfriend who is different. But I also feel angry about my friends accusing me of using him to get away from them since it isn't true.

I don't feel like arguments and confrontations at the moment but I guess I will have to face it sooner or later.

I guess I just have to wait for the right time.

[NewLeafsFan]

Lol, being told I have no backbone is something new. Usually I'm called an egotistic bitch that has everything to go his way.

I am still not prepared to break up with him as it's nice to have a boyfriend who is different. But I also feel angry about my friends accusing me of using him to get away from them since it isn't true.

I don't feel like arguments and confrontations at the moment but I guess I will have to face it sooner or later.

I guess I just have to wait for the right time.

While I appreciate your honesty about not being capable of following through on your ultimatums, waiting for the right time is an excuse. You are in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and you don't want that to end. At the end of the day you can let this continue to divide you and your friends or you can have an uncomfortable conversation. The longer you refrain from doing the lader, the harder it will be. Especially if it means breaking up.