New girlfriend with Dad issues

[Rugby99]

I just started dating this girl and found out that she has problems with her father. Her father left her and her mother for alcohol and drugs. She never knew him and despises him. I really want to teach her how to forgive but never forget. How can I do this?

[Uniquemind]

I just started dating this girl and found out that she has problems with her father. Her father left her and her mother for alcohol and drugs. She never knew him and despises him. I really want to teach her how to forgive but never forget. How can I do this?

I think you should really just lead by example and also not partake of those substances yourself to as to alleviate a fear that she'll end up with a male partner with similar issues as her dad.


It's really up to her to learn to forgive, and only appropriate to comment on if the emotional resentment with her father starts spilling over into your relationship with her. You need a justified foundation with which to broach the subject at all.

Pick your battles.

[NewLeafsFan]

It's great that you want to help your gf to get over her absent father. But sometimes people don't want to be helped and we can't make them. Just lead by example by being a really positive person.

The biggest challenges that therapists face is patients that don't want/won't accept help

[ClaraWho]

You really need to look at your own motivations for wanting her to 'forgive' him. Especially if he is still absent from her life. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a selfish angle in there motivating it.

~ Clara

[mick01]

You really need to look at your own motivations for wanting her to 'forgive' him. Especially if he is still absent from her life. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a selfish angle in there motivating it.

~ Clara

I think it's ok for us to be cynical sometimes based on some sketchy posts on this forum. But your post is one of the more cynical, least helpful, posts I think I've read. I'm curious as to what your basing your observation on?

[ska8er]

My opinion but if she wants help and
asks for it b there for her but otherwise
Id stay out of it.

[Just JT]

You can teach people about forgiveness but you can not get someone to forgive someone else for their actions. It’s a personal thing. You may not know all there is to know that went on between her, her mom and Dad. Some things are just to personal.

One thing I do know, is it takes a whole lot more energy to hate someone or hold a grudge against someone that to love and forgive them. I just got so tired or wasting energy on people I hated or held a grudge against. And that hate came out in ways that were unhealthy to myself and others.

I meet a friend on another forum who helped me understand my anger, hate and rage. As a result, it came to be that those people who wronged me in my past, I just wrote them off. They have no meaning to me. No emotions, love or hate. They are dead to me. And I don’t care.

You may be treading on a topic that’s hard for her and very deep for her. So I’d be very careful about how to approach that topic. Anger like what I think she might have can come out in ways you probably don’t wana know about.

Just be her friend. And if she brings it up, just listen, and validate her feelings. Because they probably are valid

[ClaraWho]

I think it's ok for us to be cynical sometimes based on some sketchy posts on this forum. But your post is one of the more cynical, least helpful, posts I think I've read. I'm curious as to what your basing your observation on?

Not sure why justJT liked this, then went on to make a similar point that I made :confused: .

Mick you see the word 'selfish' and immediately go into defensive mode without thinking it through, which ironically is more cynical and unhelpful.

I mean selfish as in he isn't truly being empathetic with her situation, in the sense that he is only viewing it from his own clearly limited perspective. He isn't showing understanding or compassion when wanting to get her to forgive him, although he may be misguided into thinking he is.

Without having him actually answer my question this is tricky to reply to.

We are taught, mostly by religion that influences culture with its mythology, that forgiveness is something we should aspire to. In fact we are even told the immoral act of forgiving on anothers behalf is praise worthy.

Life is short. 'Father' is simply a term used to equate a sperm that made it versus the million that didn't, and too much significance is given to that in some ways. So what that it was his sperm? We don't get that sentimental over the wasted sperm from masturbation.

My point is, his relationship to her is irrelevant and he may simply, as JustJT says, be dead to her. Except she isn't at that stage yet of deciding one way or another.

Instead of getting caught up in trying to convince her of your own mindset (i.e. Forgiveness is what everyone should try to achieve), it may be more helpful to take a different approach. Again, difficult to suggest anything without a reply, but observe how she is acting. If she is depressed about not having a father, point out to her that she will have in-laws at some point. Don't promise it will be with you but keep it open. Marriage = joining a new family. If she uses her lack of a father bitterly In response to personal failures or destructive behaviour, then subtly point out potential role models who made it despite of no parents, or single parent families.

It's all about perspective. There are people who have lost their entire family to war. She still has family. Encourage those bonds if they are healthy, promote a general atmosphere of being grateful for what she has. One cannot both be grateful and negative at once.

So look at your motivations OP. Why 'forgive'? Forgive irks me because of how horribly misused it is and how hurtful/harmful it can be to someone genuinely wronged. You want to help, and that is really great, but there are far better ways to do it. Maybe I misread this with a very Christian angle, I blame my religious schooling and America hah.

The best way to go about it really is to practice being grateful. Lead by example. Don't frame it in a 'I'm gonna get you over your dad'. You will also benefit (and you Mike, JT, and I) from being more grateful for what we DO have, versus the pain of what we lost (imagine losing your own dad and you some idea). It may sound lame but try to send her 10 things you are grateful for everyday, try to see if she will reciprocate. It will make you both less stressed and happier.

I'm very sleepy but staying up for my bro to get back, so sorry for the rambles or if this isn't coherent.

~ Clara