Daddy Issues

[Vegas2933]

The arrangement with my dad has always been a complicated one. From as long as I can remember, I always went with him every Saturday, but this year it was dropped down to every other Sunday because he got a new job.

That might seem ok, but the trouble is what he does with me... NOTHING! Every Sunday he actually takes me, we just go to his house and I sit for three hours, trying to interact with his foster kids. I hate it. I can't interact with kids! I don't want to go with him anymore, but guilt tells me I have to. Someone tell me something! :( :(

[Jake445]

Well, that sounds pretty boring and it sounds like his foster kids are pretty young?
Have you tried to talk to him about it, if you still want to see him regularly?

[Vegas2933]

Well, that sounds pretty boring and it sounds like his foster kids are pretty young?
Have you tried to talk to him about it, if you still want to see him regularly?


My dad's not the most understanding of people. :(

[Jake445]

My dad's not the most understanding of people. :(

That sad to hear. Are you forced to visit him by a legal agreement etc?
If not, just don't go as often as you do now if you don't like it.

[Vegas2933]

That sad to hear. Are you forced to visit him by a legal agreement etc?
If not, just don't go as often as you do now if you don't like it.

That's exactly what I want to do. But the guilt consumes me...

[Jake445]

That's exactly what I want to do. But the guilt consumes me...

So you want to see him as often as possible but you're annoyed that he doesn't seem to care about it as much?

[Vegas2933]

So you want to see him as often as possible but you're annoyed that he doesn't seem to care about it as much?

Yes. I want to see him but he just does nothing but that with me, and it gets sickining...

[Jake445]

Yes. I want to see him but he just does nothing but that with me, and it gets sickening...

Again, it sounds pretty boring and if you can't talk to him about it, maybe have someone else do it for you?
And does he do things with his foster kids that you could join?

[Vegas2933]

Again, it sounds pretty boring and if you can't talk to him about it, maybe have someone else do it for you?
And does he do things with his foster kids that you could join?

My mum has to speak for me. And he throws the kids in with me while him and his wife sit in the kitchen and smoke cigarettes...

[Jake445]

My mum has to speak for me. And he throws the kids in with me while him and his wife sit in the kitchen and smoke cigarettes...

Hm... Sorry but that's kind of where my advice ends. It sounds like there is no interest, from his side, to do anything interesting with you and the other kids.

[Vegas2933]

Hm... Sorry but that's kind of where my advice ends. It sounds like there is no interest, from his side, to do anything interesting with you and the other kids.

I know. Thanks for everything. :)

[Just JT]

Well sounds to he’s probably a pretty open kinda guy if he has foster kids.
But anyways I’d try and talk with him, and be firm about it. The guilt is something like a conflict between what you get and what you want. So you aren’t getting what you need from Dad. And if it’s that bad, you need to decide what’s easier to deal with. Dad, and how’s the visits are for you, or the guilt. If you accept the guilt, and don’t visit Dad, something tell me the guilt will go away. Either by him realizing what you’ve said means something to you and he does something to make a change, or you wrote him off cause he won’t make any attempt to make a change, and realize you are better off without the visits for how it makes you feel

In the end, whatever you do in life it need to be good for you. Even if you might not make family happy by your decisions. It’s your life, do what’s good for you. If he loves you he’ll get it, and it’ll get better, or he’ll at least try.....and that’s all you can expect. Don’t expect the whole Apple bro, just a fair chunk of it, there’s other kids in his life to ya no?

[BlackParadePixie]

why don't YOU make some plans with him? When he picks you up, say "Hey, let's go see a movie." Or go throw a football around, I don't know...whatever guys do with their dads. Fishing? Camping? I'm sure there are plenty of things you could find to do together.

[SingerInTraining]

I feel so sorry for you. It sounds like he has given up on you or that's how you feel. You mentioned a legal agreement which might mean your mom has a lawyer who made the agreement. Maybe the lawyer can talk to him and make a new agreement that includes time alone together. I think in the UK you call them solicitors. I wish the best for you in the future and hope you can come to an agreement that makes you both happy.

[Vegas2933]

Thank you guys so much for your advice!

I'm really anxious when interacting with other people in person, including my own father.

There is no legal agreement saying that I have to see him. That arrangement was worked out by my mum amd my dad. My mum always tells me that I don't have to go with him, but not going with him makes me feel that he is sad.

He does really want to take me out, but he always either never has the money or time...

[Just JT]

Money and time are always parent problems.
But also they shouldn’t be your problem
You being you, need to assert yourself I think. And that seems hard for you.

Maybe start out writing what you want to say to day. Might take a few drafts, maybe save it on your computer and loook at it each day and make changes to it little by little. Then when you think it’s done, practice reading it.

Try not to use a lots of filler words, use words that come from your heart and mind to explain how you feel very directly with as few words as possible. You don’t need to go into great detail with the first time you bring it up, but should be strong enough to get his attention, and not be upsetting to him.

Maybe something like;

“Hey Dad, I feel we need to talk about the time we spend together and how’s to make that time better for both of us together and not always all about your new family. Cause I’m not feeling the love like I should be”

[ska8er]

I think that u and ur Mom and Dad have to
get together with anyone who is advising them
to come to a new agreement on what days u
will spend with them. If u r guilty then u really
want to spend some time with him even tho u
seem to b bored by it. When it is the time u have
visitation with him ask him if the two of u can do
something different like go to a movie or dinner
where u can b alone together to talk over stuff.

[NewLeafsFan]

Does your dad know how you feel? It sounds like he is trying to blend the families and he probably has a romantic vision of some happy blended family. Is there a big age difference?

You don't have to say, "Dad I hate your new family!" Just start with something like, "Dad could we go to the _____ next Sunday?" or "I would like to spend some time just with you next Sunday. We could ______."

A relationship between two people, even if it's a father-son relationship is both peoples responsibility.

[popcorn 1]

you at least have a father. Maybe he's just that type of man. doesnt know what to do with children. but he obviously love them if he has accepted other children too. he want to see you, if not he would just say " dont come anymore" Believe me, be happy that you can see him at least once in a while. I was often angry with my dad, i often thought he didnt understand me, and sometimes i tought he is heartless. but now he is dead, and i miss him so much sometimes, that i would give everything just to see him one more time