i had never wanted to die so badly

[Axw_JD]

I hate myself so much for being unable to do it. I have the means, I have nothing to live for but the only thing worse than how I feel right now would be how I would feel if I failed.

I tried to get help, I begged for it but it only made things worse. I'm tired of trying and hoping and dreaming impossibles... I don't have a place in this world, nota single person that truly cares.... I'm just an annoyance and a waste, why can't I just go through with this, it isn't fair...

[Harley Quinn]

The fact that you're not actually doing it, even when you could be shows that actually deep down you don't want to do it. You're scared of failure, but have you thought about what it would feel like if you did succeed, and depending on how, you could be in a lot of pain and that isn't fun. So many times people say that no one cares about them, that isn't the case. There are people who care, you just have to find them or realise it. As a person, you cannot actually tell who cares and who actually doesn't but I know that someone cares. I may not be the right person, or the person you're looking for to care, but I do. You're not a waste or an annoyance, these are just negative thoughts that aren't actually true. It's okay to feel that, that's okay and it's totally normal. Life is shit, nobody says it isn't but it depends on how you tackle it as to whether you can deal with it or not. Giving up doesn't solve anything, no matter how much you may want to die, you probably don't in reality. You have your own talents, your own voice, your own identity and your own purpose for being here, you just need to find them and use them. You don't need to and you won't feel like this forever. If you need to talk, because sometimes talking to someone you don't actually know helps as there's no emotional attachment, you know where to find me.

[Axw_JD]

They aren't just my thoughts or feelings, they are words and feelings that have been said both behind my back and in my face repeatedly my whole life. I'm a waste and an annoyance and I'm not good for anything, I serve no purpose.

It isn't that I have doubts about dying as much as it is having doubts about not being able to. The ridicule and stigma of failing to kill myself along with any other crippling problem it might be is the only thing keeping me alive, I'm probably as pathetic as anyone could be.

[Pulp501]

I'm really not good at this...helping people with yournprobl, but isn't there anyone that cares? Don't you have interests? Something must make you happy. I don't know why people treat you badly, but you can't listen to them. I'm suicidal too, and I understand it's hard when you are this depressed but you need to keep going. Stay strong. It will get better.

[plebble]

I know you've felt like this for a long time, but honestly, things WILL get better! Teenage lives always suck for most people, but when you reach adulthood and there's no more school and you're free from your parents you are guaranteed to feel so much better. Your whole life changes at that point.
You've always got us to talk to, we may be only on the internet, but we are all still people who understand you. Virtual Teen is your family.

[Fantasy Dweller]

I know what you mean, dude. I used feel like this too. But then I kind of realized that someday I could always move to a new city, meet new people who actually care, and just start a new life as the kind if person I want to be. Finally have a chance at happiness. I think you can totally do the same. Even though it hurts now, don't kill yourself. It really will get better once you can better control your own life. Just for now, keep going and ignore all the assholes because in the long run they really don't matter one bit. I think someday when you finally regain happiness, you'll realize that you're so glad you never pulled the trigger.

I don't know you or what you've been through, but stay strong. And keep your chin up. We may not know each other in real life, but I care about if you commit suicide or not. Please don't!

[DiamondsGirl]

I can't say anything else about what your friends say about you since these posters above has taken the words right out of my mouth, but this is what I always tell myself during my depression episodes:

If your life is a book, death is a period. It means your story is finished. Done. Ended. Fin. There's nothing you can do to fix your mistakes or try to be a better person. When you die, you are permanently who you are now. The question is; are you already happy with who you are today?

Since it doesn't sound so, I would like to encourage you to keep on trying. I know it's tiring. I know it feels endless and sickening. But at least, when you're still alive, your life still has that "Edit" button available. You could still do something to fix what you've done wrong, or at least make up for it. Trust me, you're not the only one on Planet Earth who feels the way you feel. You are not alone. Me, for example, is another individual who feels like I don't deserve to be alive. But I'm still here, aren't I? I'm still here, writing this post for you. If I can, why can't you? :)

You are welcome to PM me every time you need someone to listen. We may barely know each other, but I do care and I need you to know that.

[Katiya]

For me. Thinking back. My attempts were not really with an intention to die. But rather a desperate cry for help. I just needed one person to care. That's all I wanted. I could have died if I wanted too, but I chose methods that were likely to be recoverable. I thought I was weak but in reality I was subconsciously a lot smarter than to say, just jump of a high rise.

Subconsciously you know you don't want to die. You want to be loved, cared for. Treated like a person with real feelings. We all want to be cared about.

For me, I just one day decided to move on with life and just forget it all. Of course I suffered a major life threatening injury to distract me (someone else's doing) so for a long time I had a lot more to worry about than what made me upset before. But I kind of just said the hell with it all and give up. I focus now on planing what I'm going to do with my future so I can have a better life and do what I want to do for a change.

Best of luck! Hang in there! You can always come here to talk. Even j still do sometimes :)

[imthomas]

Please don't do anything

[Axw_JD]

But I have already moved to a new city, met new people who I thought actually cared, started living life they way I wanted to, and it still changed nothing. At the end of the day I'm still here wishing I could just end it all because I can't take it any more and each day hurts more than the one before and the only thing making me get out of bed is the shame that someone might see me crying.

I just can't keep going, I don't want to keep going, I don't have a fucking reason to keep going.

[DiamondsGirl]

But I have already moved to a new city, met new people who I thought actually cared, started living life they way I wanted to, and it still changed nothing. At the end of the day I'm still here wishing I could just end it all because I can't take it any more and each day hurts more than the one before and the only thing making me get out of bed is the shame that someone might see me crying.

I just can't keep going, I don't want to keep going, I don't have a fucking reason to keep going.

Well then there you go you got your first step. You moved to a new city, you met people who ACTUALLY cared (come on look at this thread) and started living your life the way you wanted to. I think your only enemy right now is yourself. Surely you can't give up that easily right? If you don't have a reason why, find one. Remember that death is permanent. It's supposed to close off a story which ending we're already happy with. Is this what you want to be remembered as? Forever? Really?

[darkangel91]

That voice in your head that tells you you're worthless, that life isn't worth living, that sees the bad in everything first - that's not you, it's like a parasite in your mind. You shouldn't believe what it says any more than you would say, "Okay tumor, go ahead and kill me" if you had cancer. Fight it. See yourself for who you are, a unique, valuable person who can NEVER be replaced. Don't deprive the world of all the wonderful things you will someday bring to it. Live, and love yourself. You deserve to live. If not for yourself, struggle against your depression for us, because we care. And we do. We're here for you, regardless of who else is. :)