Boyfriend arrested - now my feelings have changed

[goldfish23]

Hi,
I am writing to get some advice on what to do about a situation with my boyfriend. We have been together around 7 months now, he is 21 I am 19, and I am gradually beginning to see an aggressive side to him, particularly when he is drunk. An incident happened about a month ago where we got into an argument in a club and he flung his arms telling me to move out of his way and in the process of doing that he hit me. As we were drunk and it all happened very quickly I am sure he didnt mean to hit me but he got thrown out of the club and I went home on my own.
After a few days of him saying he was sorry etc everything went normal and we were good again.
Anyway last weekend we went on a night out and everything was good until we left the club and we started arguing and i cant even remember what it was about now but he ended up telling me he didnt want to be with me and he didnt want to go on holiday with me (I booked us a trip away for his 21st). So i took what he said to heart and booked a taxi home on my own. As i went to get in the taxi, clearly upset, 3 guys approached me asking if i was alright. I said I was fine and got in the taxi and then my boyfriend ran over and started speaking to the three guys, I had gone before he started punching them (I found this out the next day) he says that he thought they were trying to go home with me/try something with me.
Whatever their intentions were i do not condone his behaviour. Anyway the taxi drove off and took me home and i didnt hear from him all night and i presumed he had stopped at his mates. The next day he came back home and told me he had come straight from the police station as he was arrested for assault. He beat them all up and one of them landed in hospital. He was released but has to go to a meeting on a conditional warning. As soon as he told me this I didnt know how to react and was shocked he was capable of doing this. He keeps using the fact he was drunk as an excuse and says he would never hurt me but my feelings towards him feel like they have dramatically changed very quickly and he can kind of tell i think as he keeps asking why i am moody with him.
Basically i am very confused as to what i want because i am very happy with him when we are both sober and he is so nice to me and treats me well, however when we are drunk he is aggressive and horrible to me and especially aggressive towards others. I know he said he would never intentionally hurt me but it is playing on my mind and although no one will fully understand my situation it would be good to get another point of view
Thanks for reading and sorry its so long my thoughts are just racing

[ska8er]

He hit u and hurt u emotionally
and physically. Usually once it
happens it probably will happen
again even tho he says he is sorry.
A guy should never hit a girl. I would
start looking for someone who is
going to appreciate u more.

[mick01]

Tell him unless he quits drinking, you can't be with him. He should probably get some help. But if I were you, I wouldn't be near him after he's had a first drink.

[Dalcourt]

As far as I see it you boyfriend will always be aggressive when he drinks and hurt you or others. I don't think you could really change him and make him quit drinking forever.
So...you say you have goodtimes and are happy together and I totally believe you but you have to ask yourself do these good times really make up for the bad times?

[Uniquemind]

It's exactly like you learn in 6th grade health class about abusive relationships : honeymoon phase, tension phase, violence, repeat.

Right now it's tension phase.

He's got self-control problems, I'd drop him if I were you. The need to have you as his girlfriend, directly after he told you he wanted to breakup, contradicted himself because he felt threatened by those other guys he beat up....

---

For safety reasons you rarely want to have a public relationship fight where you have to split up in a foreign place. To emotionally vent right there is a safety concern too.


It's best to make sure each get home safe, fight at home, and then split.

I knew a couple who went clubbing, got in a fight while in public, subsequently split up while both were in an irrational state, and the lady being drunk herself, got something slipped in her drink as she was trying to "cool off" from her partner, and was then taken to some motel and raped by a group of guys that saw the opportunity.

She told me this only because she's my friend and was giving me advice about abusive and dangerous dating situations a girl can find herself in, as I began to date myself in more public places.

She knows this because the guys that took her, filmed the act on her cellphone, and were then sending the footage to the boyfriend. She has no memory of the events herself. It also occurred at a club in a foreign country as she was studying abroad...so jurisdictional issues about going to authorities with her plight existed as well.

I now pass on this advice to you.



Your guy, is like her guy, blows his top, forgets the importance safety and maturity on how to handle negative emotions that come with relationships, and has to vent them in the moment rather than make note of his issue, and talk to you privately at his residence or yours once both of you are safe.

No, he loses it mentally in the moment, has no justification for his actions, can't handle it let alone anything else a more serious relations entails (children, etc.)


Dump him, he's not a full person yet. He needs therapy and to break dependence on alcohol.


--

I actually add the argument that Dalcourt is wrong here to take a measure of the good times versus bad times.


It is not a duality, that is a false comparison.

Instead it is a singularity, of needing a partner that has ALL the qualities that are stable and healthy and especially not dangerous to be in a long term relationship with.

Bad times are just slight moodiness, communication issues, when things hit a physical confrontation and you see patterns of cyclical behavior that comes from textbook abuse....no that's a sign to get out before you get too deep in.

[jamie_n5]

You need to get away from him while you can. He is bad news and will most likely use domestic violence with you eventually. The only way he could ever change would be to completely quit drinking and go to anger management counseling. I still think loose him now before your life gets wrecked.

[NewLeafsFan]

Well it's up to you. How many chances are you going to give your violent bf? You had issues and he apologized and you took him back. So next you had the same issues again and he apologized and you took him back.

There's an old saying, "fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me." Basically it means that anyone can make a mistake once but after a while if you keep taking him back you mine as well be banging your head against a cement wall.

[SethfromMI]

Some people get super aggressive when they're drinking. Sometimes it is solely because of the alcohol, sometimes it is because they are a violent person and it gets super fueled by alcohol. I would tell him he needs to gives up drinking. Go to AA or where ever he needs to go to get help. because he needs help. Even if the two of you don't date anymore, he needs to quit drinking, for his sake and the safety of others as well.

It is your decision, but that's my warning.

[Falcons_11]

Tell him unless he quits drinking, you can't be with him. He should probably get some help. But if I were you, I wouldn't be near him after he's had a first drink.

I agree with Mick. Your boyfriend seems to have anger problems and he cannot control it. He seems to have no respect for you or your feelings. I don't want to sound like Dr. Phil, but it's in your best interest to lose this loser. Otherwise, if you continue staying with him, you will be in for a world of hurt. You certainly don't deserve to be in that place. Good luck.

[Stronk Serb]

He obviously has drinking problems. If you still have feelings for him or wish to give him a second chance, tell him it's either you or the booze. If you had enough of him, simply break up with him. If you do decide to give him a chance, I will give you this advice, as a person who drank a lot. Try to find the cause to the drinking, could be something in the family, his friends, or something bad that happened to him.