Meganium
October 10th, 2017, 10:22 AM
I've only recently been taking the idea of "dating" into serious consideration. I didn't really start meeting a lot of girls until just this past year when I started college.
I went through a pretty rough patch of depression immediately after I graduated, and so a relationship wasn't really a priority, and I noticed that after I came out of it, it *still* wasn't a priority. Despite all of the nice and pretty girls who I passed by on a daily basis, there weren't any who stood out to me who I really wanted to actively pursue.
Then I met this one girl back in January who was really quiet and I didn't think much about initially, I just though she was kind of cute. We'll call her Carol.
I didn't get many opportunities to speak with Carol, but the very next chance I did, she was talking and I noticed that she was really into a whole lot of the same things that I am, and that she had a polite, considerate demeanor like I do, and doesn't let that type of demeanor die down, even in more casual situations where it may appear awkward. All of this led me to start being attracted to her, and fast forward, with the help of some friends, I got to meet her a few times more and eventually asked her out.
When I did so, apparently it was unclear that I intended for our outing to be a "date." I did *not* mention that "D" word as I probably should have, and even though the setting may have suggested that it still was, the point is, in retrospect I recognize that I just might not have made it clear enough.
I met with her twice more in the summer time, the first time with friends, and the second time at a convention that I invited her to with no one else involved. I had planned on laying out how I felt on that day, but circumstances toward the end of it kept me from getting a chance to say everything I had to say, so I ended up just giving her a small gift and we both went home.
After that last outing, the new school semester started, and I grew more and more frustrated with the fact that my feelings were still unclear to her, and that due to how far away from me she lives, and conflicting schedules, I would not have many opportunities to tell her ANYTHING in the near future. For nearly a month I would see her, speak with her for maybe 20 minutes in a public setting with all of our friends at the table, and then she'd have to get on her bus and go home. It was extremely frustrating not getting a chance to say ANYTHING.
So then, I finally got a chance with her alone, and my fear of another huge gap of time where I don't know if my feelings are reciprocated pushed me to the edge and made me prompt her to come outside with me. I didn't say a ton, as I was nervous, but ultimately, I *did* tell her that I like her a lot and that it was eating me alive to not be able to say anything about it up until that point.
This is where she told me that she did not feel the same way, despite our *abundance* of similarities, which initially, I WAS ok with. The rest of that day, I felt fine, and thought that I would be completely content with just being friends with her because she's just a really dope person. Later that week though, I guess it hit me and I ended up crying myself to sleep because I realized that I'm *not* truly content with that at all.
And I'm glad I told her when I did, because for almost a month afterwards, I did not see her AT ALL on campus. Our schedules were just in complete misalignment, and she was always gone or leaving by the time I would get a chunk of free time. If I had to wait that much longer to say anything I might have lost my damn mind.
That pattern pretty much remains the same to this day. I don't see her very frequently, but when I do it's for a very short time. And one would think that with so little exposure to her that my feelings for her would dwindle, but they've only strengthened, and like, a LOT. I'm not sure why, but I just find her behavior so attractive, and even with so little time together, whenever we talk we hit it off SO and with SO much ease. It's like with her I don't even have to TRY to make her laugh or anything like that. She is hands down probably one of the closest people who I will EVER meet to myself, and we're good friends because of that, at least it seems that way.
But I'm NOT content with being just friends with her. I'm just not. FINDING a person that similar to me is a complete anomaly, for me. I don't get out much, my tastes are niche, everyone around me is into athletics and party culture and non-nerd shit. No one jumps up and down and laughs or smiles or gasps or just gets hype ovee the next Nintendo game dropping like she and I do. It's just not something I've had to privilege to see until now.
And because I'm discontent with being just friends with her, I don't know what to do from this point on. It's been suggested to me that I just lay out this internal conflict that I'm having in the table, and just openly say that I CANNOT be friends with her anymore, because it hurts me too much. That'd be effectively cutting her off, and it would give me clarity and an end to this line of thought, but it would also be completely be unfair to her because she does want to be my friend and she's done nothing to wrong me. As I've been told, she completely recognizes all of our similarities, sees me as a good person and knows that I would strive to treat her very well. But for whatever reason that she doesn't know, she just is not attracted to me in a romantic way, and there's nothing that either of us can do to change that.
So, I'm stuck. Carol is so awesome to me and don't want to lose her entirely, but I'm beginning to think that for my health that I should. This is almost constantly at the forefront of my mind, and even though when I DO get the chance to interact with her directly, I'm fine and have fun, when I'm outside of direct contact with her and am reminded of the things about her that I like and that work and that SHOULD be reason for us to be together, my mood just goes directly to shit. And I've been told by friends to just "take a break" from her and come back when I know we can be friends again, but that is effectively what IS happening without my effort. I rarely see her in the first place this semester and it's unlikely that I will be seeing her in a regular basis until maybe next semester at the earliest. Furthermore, we share the same friend groups, and I don't want to just avoid outings with them just because Carol is there. So I don't know what exactly I should to to minimize this pain that I have. At this point it's not the initial rejection that's hurting me anymore, but it's that I'm convinced that it makes *too much sense* for us to at least make an *attempt* at a romantic relationship, and I still seriously want that chance.
If you read through this whole book, you're a real champ and I appreciate the fuck out of you. This was all typed on a phone while I'm at work just to get it off my head and it's probably riddled with typos but you worked through all of it. Any input after that is appreciated.
I don't often come here for help anymore these days, but it's always a good place to come for anonymous input, and usually it's the guys and gals who read books like these who care a lot about being helpful.
Ill be seeking counseling services on this issue sometime soon, but until then I think it'd be best if I discussed it with people who aren't directly involved in my daily life.
Thank you.
I went through a pretty rough patch of depression immediately after I graduated, and so a relationship wasn't really a priority, and I noticed that after I came out of it, it *still* wasn't a priority. Despite all of the nice and pretty girls who I passed by on a daily basis, there weren't any who stood out to me who I really wanted to actively pursue.
Then I met this one girl back in January who was really quiet and I didn't think much about initially, I just though she was kind of cute. We'll call her Carol.
I didn't get many opportunities to speak with Carol, but the very next chance I did, she was talking and I noticed that she was really into a whole lot of the same things that I am, and that she had a polite, considerate demeanor like I do, and doesn't let that type of demeanor die down, even in more casual situations where it may appear awkward. All of this led me to start being attracted to her, and fast forward, with the help of some friends, I got to meet her a few times more and eventually asked her out.
When I did so, apparently it was unclear that I intended for our outing to be a "date." I did *not* mention that "D" word as I probably should have, and even though the setting may have suggested that it still was, the point is, in retrospect I recognize that I just might not have made it clear enough.
I met with her twice more in the summer time, the first time with friends, and the second time at a convention that I invited her to with no one else involved. I had planned on laying out how I felt on that day, but circumstances toward the end of it kept me from getting a chance to say everything I had to say, so I ended up just giving her a small gift and we both went home.
After that last outing, the new school semester started, and I grew more and more frustrated with the fact that my feelings were still unclear to her, and that due to how far away from me she lives, and conflicting schedules, I would not have many opportunities to tell her ANYTHING in the near future. For nearly a month I would see her, speak with her for maybe 20 minutes in a public setting with all of our friends at the table, and then she'd have to get on her bus and go home. It was extremely frustrating not getting a chance to say ANYTHING.
So then, I finally got a chance with her alone, and my fear of another huge gap of time where I don't know if my feelings are reciprocated pushed me to the edge and made me prompt her to come outside with me. I didn't say a ton, as I was nervous, but ultimately, I *did* tell her that I like her a lot and that it was eating me alive to not be able to say anything about it up until that point.
This is where she told me that she did not feel the same way, despite our *abundance* of similarities, which initially, I WAS ok with. The rest of that day, I felt fine, and thought that I would be completely content with just being friends with her because she's just a really dope person. Later that week though, I guess it hit me and I ended up crying myself to sleep because I realized that I'm *not* truly content with that at all.
And I'm glad I told her when I did, because for almost a month afterwards, I did not see her AT ALL on campus. Our schedules were just in complete misalignment, and she was always gone or leaving by the time I would get a chunk of free time. If I had to wait that much longer to say anything I might have lost my damn mind.
That pattern pretty much remains the same to this day. I don't see her very frequently, but when I do it's for a very short time. And one would think that with so little exposure to her that my feelings for her would dwindle, but they've only strengthened, and like, a LOT. I'm not sure why, but I just find her behavior so attractive, and even with so little time together, whenever we talk we hit it off SO and with SO much ease. It's like with her I don't even have to TRY to make her laugh or anything like that. She is hands down probably one of the closest people who I will EVER meet to myself, and we're good friends because of that, at least it seems that way.
But I'm NOT content with being just friends with her. I'm just not. FINDING a person that similar to me is a complete anomaly, for me. I don't get out much, my tastes are niche, everyone around me is into athletics and party culture and non-nerd shit. No one jumps up and down and laughs or smiles or gasps or just gets hype ovee the next Nintendo game dropping like she and I do. It's just not something I've had to privilege to see until now.
And because I'm discontent with being just friends with her, I don't know what to do from this point on. It's been suggested to me that I just lay out this internal conflict that I'm having in the table, and just openly say that I CANNOT be friends with her anymore, because it hurts me too much. That'd be effectively cutting her off, and it would give me clarity and an end to this line of thought, but it would also be completely be unfair to her because she does want to be my friend and she's done nothing to wrong me. As I've been told, she completely recognizes all of our similarities, sees me as a good person and knows that I would strive to treat her very well. But for whatever reason that she doesn't know, she just is not attracted to me in a romantic way, and there's nothing that either of us can do to change that.
So, I'm stuck. Carol is so awesome to me and don't want to lose her entirely, but I'm beginning to think that for my health that I should. This is almost constantly at the forefront of my mind, and even though when I DO get the chance to interact with her directly, I'm fine and have fun, when I'm outside of direct contact with her and am reminded of the things about her that I like and that work and that SHOULD be reason for us to be together, my mood just goes directly to shit. And I've been told by friends to just "take a break" from her and come back when I know we can be friends again, but that is effectively what IS happening without my effort. I rarely see her in the first place this semester and it's unlikely that I will be seeing her in a regular basis until maybe next semester at the earliest. Furthermore, we share the same friend groups, and I don't want to just avoid outings with them just because Carol is there. So I don't know what exactly I should to to minimize this pain that I have. At this point it's not the initial rejection that's hurting me anymore, but it's that I'm convinced that it makes *too much sense* for us to at least make an *attempt* at a romantic relationship, and I still seriously want that chance.
If you read through this whole book, you're a real champ and I appreciate the fuck out of you. This was all typed on a phone while I'm at work just to get it off my head and it's probably riddled with typos but you worked through all of it. Any input after that is appreciated.
I don't often come here for help anymore these days, but it's always a good place to come for anonymous input, and usually it's the guys and gals who read books like these who care a lot about being helpful.
Ill be seeking counseling services on this issue sometime soon, but until then I think it'd be best if I discussed it with people who aren't directly involved in my daily life.
Thank you.