Sexuality Crisis for a Freshman in College

[LorcanDeCress]

WARNING, EXPLICIT DETAIL AHEAD

I am 18 years old, a freshman at a two year college, a male virgin and Ive been struggling with this issue for the past six and a half months now. Ive been attracted to females my entire life. It all started in October of last year, three months before my 18th birthday, after I had a rough break up with one of my ex girlfriends whom I had been dating during the summer. I noticed I had no attraction to females. A couple weeks later, a mutual friend sent me a topless photo of himself, the guy had a nice toned six pack and I said that much out-loud although it didn't turn me on. Immediately afterwards, my mind began to become paranoid about whether or not the thoughts were sexual. I quickly starting questioning and checking myself by watching and masturbating to pornography more than I already was. Its only gotten worse since then, much worse. My mind continues to doubt and question my sexuality at every turn. About three weeks ago, I told my older sister about this who said I was a closeted bisexual and needed to explore my sexuality. Since straight porn wasn't as arousing or exciting to me as it used to be and thinking it would ease my doubts and paranoia, I responded by watching and masturbating to gay pornography although the acts of gay sex or two guys kissing repulses me whilst seeing a big muscled up black guy seemingly turns me on for some reason, I seriously don't know why. I'd like to think that its because of the fact that I myself am 6'2 yet lack any muscle mass or any sort of characteristics that I would deem sexually desirable for females. When I was watching the gay porn itself, I did get a groinal response in terms of a clear white fluid emerging from my sexual organs and getting a hard on which I seemingly don't get from straight porn anymore, but mentally I was disgusted and couldn't watch it all the way through because something about it just irked me. Nonetheless, I'm more confused now than ever since my doubt and paranoia is still here on a constant basis. Its only gotten worse since I started watching gay pornography because now my mind flashes back to it as ''proof'' that I'm not straight. I still don't know if I'm straight, gay or bisexual or whether I'm suffering from some mental illness. Its like I have two halves in my mind, one side that is paranoid about this and the other side telling me to be logical and think this through. Its like I don't even care anymore; my mind has gone blank on this apart from the side questioning and doubting and the side telling me to masturbate constantly. I don't think I'm gay but my mind continuously uses the fact I watched gay pornography as ''proof'' that I can't possibly be straight since ''straight people don't watch or masturbate to gay pornography''. I feel pretty calm about this for some reason, like I'm not as anxious about this as I used to be and my mind has used this to further say that I'm coming to terms with being gay or bisexual although I really don't know anything about who I really am anymore. Can someone please help me ?

[Living For Love]

Depression, Loss, and Grief :arrow2: Teen Sexuality

You'll probably get better responses here.

[JamesSuperBoy]

Might just be the break up and how you feel - your sister can only give an opinion as we can.

[Luminous]

Porn is not a way to tell your sexuality. Listen to, as you put it, "the other side telling me to be logical and think this through." It's not true that straight people don't watch gay porn. If you've always been attracted to girls, and you still are, you're clearly not gay, so we can rule that out. It sounds to me like before, you never really were attracted to guys, and you don't like to see guys kissing. That's okay. But do you see yourself kissing a guy? It sounds to me like you're straight and curious. Maybe slightly jealous/admiring of guys because of their looks. Don't worry about it, you're fine.

[Blood]

Ok, firstly I'm going to say that porn is just that: porn. Watching a certain type of porn isn't going to determine what your sexuality is. So watch what you want, and don't be pressured to watch and/or stay away from a certain type because you're afraid it will "turn you gay."

Secondly, you're only 18. Don't be in such a rush to label yourself. Experiment with different people and find out what you like. Seriously, take things slow and enjoy life. I hope this helped and I'm always here if you want to talk.

[sieg]

you'll drive yourself insane trying to find a label for yourself. let go of that idea.
try to stop judging yourself so much, stop being so nervous about being anything other than what you're used to.
it's okay. like many have said. sexuality is a very fluid thing. trying to set in stone what you want to be simply wont work.
if you like someone, you like them. if you dont like someone, you dont. it can be that simple.

[SciMassKid]

Do not rely on porn to determine your sexuality