LydiaFlowers
March 3rd, 2014, 04:19 PM
Hi, my name is Lydia. I have posted on this website once before and after reading my last post, picked up that I had just visited the doctors about how I was feeling. It seemed like such a breakthrough to me to begin with, but I was simply sent to a councillor, which did nothing for me personally and didn't help me.
Since then, around 5 months ago, I self harmed for the first time. I had promised myself that I would never let myself do anything like that. My mother suffers with depression and I always said to myself that I would be strong for her and that I would never let her down. The most surreal thing about it was that I do not remember the event hardly. It was not a case of sitting down and deciding that it was going to happen. I can remember the whole thing in one snapshot of my mind. I seemed to have blacked out the event almost completely, and the cuts were really awful. They were deep and as I remember, there were well over 50. I just remember well laying in my bed and just being so shocked at what had happened, I hadn't even cleaned myself up at this point, I was shaking so much.
I went into school the next day still in shock over what had happened, when my friend accidentally hit my leg and when I reacted, I told her that I had fallen over. I went to the toilets to check that it had not started to bleed again, it was hurting so much, I just told her I was going to the toilet. My best friend looked round the toilet cubicle which was almost unnoticeable and saw it. I didn't know what to do, I hadn't even considered that she would even look whilst I was in the toilet, but she was just shouting at me and telling me how much of an idiot I was. I didn't know what to do at all, she didn't comfort me whatsoever and just told me how it was such a stupid thing to do. She then told many other people, people who I do trust, people who I don't, just a lot of people. She went round telling people how it was the worst thing she has ever seen and how 'disgusting' it was. When I found out I was such a mess on top of what had already happened, still being in shock from it and from why it all had happened. I thought that issue would just be a one off, until last night when I cut myself again very badly, possibly worse than the first time. I have my GCSE's in a matter of months and I can't stop myself from crying every hour or so, I literally haven't got it in my anymore, I just want to be happy. And it seems the more I peddle on with life and try to get past it all, people just have to bring me down. :confused::(
Since then, around 5 months ago, I self harmed for the first time. I had promised myself that I would never let myself do anything like that. My mother suffers with depression and I always said to myself that I would be strong for her and that I would never let her down. The most surreal thing about it was that I do not remember the event hardly. It was not a case of sitting down and deciding that it was going to happen. I can remember the whole thing in one snapshot of my mind. I seemed to have blacked out the event almost completely, and the cuts were really awful. They were deep and as I remember, there were well over 50. I just remember well laying in my bed and just being so shocked at what had happened, I hadn't even cleaned myself up at this point, I was shaking so much.
I went into school the next day still in shock over what had happened, when my friend accidentally hit my leg and when I reacted, I told her that I had fallen over. I went to the toilets to check that it had not started to bleed again, it was hurting so much, I just told her I was going to the toilet. My best friend looked round the toilet cubicle which was almost unnoticeable and saw it. I didn't know what to do, I hadn't even considered that she would even look whilst I was in the toilet, but she was just shouting at me and telling me how much of an idiot I was. I didn't know what to do at all, she didn't comfort me whatsoever and just told me how it was such a stupid thing to do. She then told many other people, people who I do trust, people who I don't, just a lot of people. She went round telling people how it was the worst thing she has ever seen and how 'disgusting' it was. When I found out I was such a mess on top of what had already happened, still being in shock from it and from why it all had happened. I thought that issue would just be a one off, until last night when I cut myself again very badly, possibly worse than the first time. I have my GCSE's in a matter of months and I can't stop myself from crying every hour or so, I literally haven't got it in my anymore, I just want to be happy. And it seems the more I peddle on with life and try to get past it all, people just have to bring me down. :confused::(