reinventing yourself, feeling alone and weak

[hjhj]

I hate the way I'm portrayed by other people, how I am in my mind and by how people judge me.I made myself how I am now a while ago and I regret all of it. I like my hobbies of course but I hate how I look to others mentally, physically, etc
I don't like how I look or how the way I look makes people assume things about me.
You may say be yourself which I do believe but this isn't myself anymore. But if I were to change id be left vulnerable and in a state of possibly even more pain than I am now.
No I'm not super insecure about my looks or my body I just hate how I fake most of my feelings and who I want to be in the Evey day world.

I wish I could have courage and be bold enough to change yet I've become so acquainted to the painful environment I feel now that It feels trapping.
Again, you may say be yourself though I feel this isn't the real me anymore, simply a shell that forces me into a deeper pain. But I don't have any courage in me to make changes where I could lose all of my friends and people around me.



I'm sorry if this didn't make sense I'm in a state of fear, tears and sadness.



Here on VT is where i show a more true self of who I am. The person I am during the rest of my life makes me worse and worse. I'm not toxic in that person atleast I believe.I hope you can wish luck upon me and for anyone who has, is it will go through things like this.



I've kept it together for a little while but I feel I won't be able to much longer.

I've been trying to stop cutting for a little while now but idk if I could or can keep it up
I have to make myself face the truth soon enough







I don't know what I'm trying to say but any advice would really help :(

[Doaifhdoaoxjdoa]

I actually kinda relate to this. Recently I started to feel that the way my friends thought of me and the way I acted wasn't really "me". There were things I wouldn't say around them, stuff I wouldn't do because it didn't fit in with who they thought I was. I'm still not sure on a long term fix, I might ask a therapist for help eventually. I'm trying to take back that control and realise that at the end of the day, I decide who I am not those around me. In regards to self harming, it always sounds hollow when I say don't do it because I've never felt like even trying it. But I do know this; there are people out there that would love to get to know the real you. It's easier to find the real you when you realise that the real you is you (wow what a sentence). If you ever need to talk, I'm happy to help. ^_^

[jamie_n5]

Well maybe it's time for professional help. You somehow need to be the self that makes you happy. You need to feel secure and confident in who you are. You must also above all love yourself. I really think you are over your head in all of this because you have been doing it for so long in fooling others that you have made a total wreck of yourself and your life. Please go get professional help before you hit rock bottom.

[hjhj]

Well maybe it's time for professional help. You somehow need to be the self that makes you happy. You need to feel secure and confident in who you are. You must also above all love yourself. I really think you are over your head in all of this because you have been doing it for so long in fooling others that you have made a total wreck of yourself and your life. Please go get professional help before you hit rock bottom.

i would though i dont know if i could make myself get past the fear and talk to someone. I understand why i would though i just cant push myself to do it
im sorry :(

thank you for the advice though