Ongoing problem with family for 3 years :(

[benlodge123]

Firstly, My mum has a sister, called Karen! Karen's son is called Jake, he is autistic. His dad cheated on Karen so he moved out. I loved seeing Jake as he was my age, and funny. But as soon as he got angry, I was the worst person in the world. He would scowl, shout fuck off at me in front of my parents. My parents would snap and put him back in his place. However, Karen didn't like the way that we deal with people like that so she got grumpy!
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Now the story begins :(
It was a nice summers day at my house and we was having my Mum's parents and my Mum's sister Karen and her son Jake round for dinner. Like a family get together. Me and Jake was in my room and I was a keen piano player, I have the volume set on my piano so it is barely audible to those who are downstairs. Jake, has the same piano at his house however, he has the volume on full. Jake goes on my piano and puts the volume on full. I turn it down and say, Leave the volume there. He puts it full so I put it back where I want it so my parents don't shout. Then he looses his shit and tells his mum he wants to leave. At this point we are just sitting down to eat and they don't leave. That was the awkwardest meal in the world! It had me, my mum, my dad, Nan & grandad, Karen and Jake. Now, my Nan and Grandad knew how Karen was treated by her husband so they took sides with Karen, however they leave :/

I love my dad for this moment. He told, Karen and Jake to leave PRONTO! He said "Ben can't handle how Jake is, If you can't understand that, your not welcome in our house" that's all I know about that.
When I come downstairs to see my Dad upset in tears as he felt he had just fucked up my Mums side of the family (Karen, Jake, Nan and grandad) I burst into tears. NEVER HAVE I SEEN MY DAD CRY! :(

My dad then spoke to Me, My broter, and My mum and said "The only people who matter are the people in these four walls (Mum, Dad, Me, Bro) We will get through this" We all went to bed in tears!!

Next day my mum decided to ring up my Nan and Grandad!
This is what she said to Grandad who answered the phone!
"Do you know how much Jake has messed up our side of the family?, You and Nan took sides with Karen, families don't do that"
Grandad answered with "UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY TO KAREN AND NAN WE ARE NOT HAVING CONTACT" BEEEEEEPPP He ended the call!

I have not been stopped in seeing my Nan and Grandad, I still love them to bits.
I have tried speaking to My mum about messaging Nan, to try and sort things out. But mum said "I don't want anything to do with my side of the family, It's not your business" That's what I dont understand, Grandad has acknowledged of his wrong doing on how he spoke to My mum over the phone, and Nan was not involved at al! But Mum still won't speak to Nan.

As for Karen and Jake, they blocked Me, Mum, Dad and Brother on all social networking sites!
I still care about them, so I have to ask my Nan and Grandad how they are!

This is very complicated as you can see!
3 years later I still can't get my head around it.

Has anyone dealt with family disputes?
- How did you cope with them?
- Did you solve them, If so, How?
-Anything else you want to add!

Regards Ben! :(

[Just JT]

Some of this isn't real clear to me. Probably not clear to you either. I haven't had that kinda stuff happen in my family. But seems to me that the problem(s) MAY not involve you. Maybe ask your dad what's up. Get his side some.

But the way I see it is friends/family, if they really are anyways, you find a way to get past all that whatever bullshit

3 years is a long time.

[Uniquemind]

I've dealt with situations like this, it's a sensitive one.


Many parties are in the wrong, and the best remedy is to educate yourself about autism and why the original issue (volume of a piano), meant more to Jake than to you and your parents.


Seeking out empathetic understanding, but also balancing that with rules and boundaries is very important and that's hard for families with those who have a mental disability, difference, or illness.

Your parents and in reaction to that blew up temper wise too fast, such a discussion needs to occur calmly and analytically and a game plan with the extended family needs to occur with them understanding the needs of the immediate family.


What are Jake's sensitivity triggers etc?

Why has your parents snapped at Jake as if he was a disobedient sibling who was normal and without autism? Part of the problem is your parents don't discipline Jake like you would a normal kid, it's kind of a special situation. People start therapy careers over how to deal with autistic children.

And the perspective of your grandparents is probably one of "hey I'm getting old, idk how much time I have left, I'd like to leave the world knowing ALL my loved ones left behind are on solid ground to continue on without me".

This latest drama disrupts that harmony and it's why you grandparents are probably as biased as they are, they care about the harmony of their legacy, rather than the "fairness" of it.

Expand your mind to see from all sides of the situation, perhaps you and your parents can talk this over and you can talk about how you feel and provide some mature dialogue and talking points.


Background: I've volunteered to work with autistic children as part of extracurriculars.

[Aldee]

As someone with a large family, it can be easy to think every argument that occurs has to be dealt with by you, even if you aren't involved. It seems things are complicated so try to get as many different views as possible.