Hesitation About Relationships, Sex

[Ben7]

So I’ve never actually been in any relationship though I’ve had plenty of crushes in the past. However, for the most part I’ve always been largely hesitant to pursue any relationship and on the few occasions when there were tentative openings to pursue one, I opted not to. The main reason is this idea that I seem to have that most relationships inevitably lead to sex, sooner or later. Thing is however, I’ve had sex in the past and it was never great at all. And I guess now I’m kind of hesitating to even get into a relationship just out of concern or thoughts of what it might lead to sooner or later (the possible sex portion of it, not the rest of the relationship, is what makes me somewhat anxious).

Am I weird for being hesitant and afraid of having sex in a relationship? Is it reasonable to not do it? Or is sex generally an expectation of many/most relationships? For those of you in relationships or previously in one, was sex a common part of it? Was it ever something where it was mutually agreed on not to do it? I’m curious to hear what you guys think.

[BlackParadePixie]

well sex within a relationship vs. sex with a random hookup can be very different for some people. what was it about the sex that was not great? wrong person? wrong situation?

I can see how something like that would make you nervous, but I don't think you should completely give up on it. You can enter into a relationship without an expectation of immediate sex...but it's bound to come up eventually, unless you find someone who is asexual or has the exact same feelings about sex as you do.

Being in a relationship with someone, the sex is often different. You care about the other person's feelings and pleasure. And if it's not going right all the time, you have opportunities to talk about it and work on things. You're not just trying to get off.

[RJH98]

The last time I was in a relationship with a girl (which is a few months ago), we were both very open about sex. Eventhough she had sex with her previous boyfriend, something happened to her before we met which made her not want to have sex with me (won't go too far into detail but I think you get what I am talking about). So she just told me "Look, I am not ready and comfortable with having sex untill I am completely comfortable with you", and that was okay. I understood completely and never pushed her to do anyhting. What is important here is just being open to your partner about it, especially since I think it is assumed that boys always want sex ASAP, which isn't true. One thing that I think is important to say is that the fact that you don't want to have sex now shouldn't keep you from engaging in romantic relationships with anyone, just talk to them about what you're feeling and why. If they are worth it, they'll understand and wait untill you are ready.

[mick01]

I think sex is generally an expectation of most relationships, yes. But I think it doesn't have to be an expectation of every relationship. But for whatever the reason is you don't want to have sex, I don't think it should keep you from a romantic relationship. Just as long as you explain soon after starting one, that you're not ready, don't want, whatever, to have sex. Then it becomes the other person's choice to stay or go based on what they are expecting.

[INACTIVEchaosphere]

So I’ve never actually been in any relationship though I’ve had plenty of crushes in the past. However, for the most part I’ve always been largely hesitant to pursue any relationship and on the few occasions when there were tentative openings to pursue one, I opted not to. The main reason is this idea that I seem to have that most relationships inevitably lead to sex, sooner or later. Thing is however, I’ve had sex in the past and it was never great at all. And I guess now I’m kind of hesitating to even get into a relationship just out of concern or thoughts of what it might lead to sooner or later (the possible sex portion of it, not the rest of the relationship, is what makes me somewhat anxious).

Am I weird for being hesitant and afraid of having sex in a relationship? Is it reasonable to not do it? Or is sex generally an expectation of many/most relationships? For those of you in relationships or previously in one, was sex a common part of it? Was it ever something where it was mutually agreed on not to do it? I’m curious to hear what you guys think.
There's no need for sex in a relationship, though if done right, it can build a connection unlike any other you might have with a person. From what I've seen and heard, good sex has more to do with the people's feelings about each other than either's physicality. If you're with someone you don't really like or feel safe with, you can't bond with them fully. Just wait until you find the right person, and sex will come naturally and comfortably. OF course, you can also choose not to have sex in a relationship, and that's fine too, as long as both people's needs are being met.

[deleted101]

Im usually hesitant as well. I learned not to sweat it...

[Ben7]

Thank you all for responding, I'll be considering what you all have said.

[Uniquemind]

Think of it like this. All relationships should be established for the experience of learning from it whether or not it's a sexual one or not.

This even includes friendships as well, but specifically your OP is in the context of romantic ones.


Hurt comes with the territory especially when people move at their own pace. The good however (progress) comes when the two or more (being liberally minded here) individuals make some sort of individual progress in their understanding of romantic energy and feelings and communication skills.

Those skills follow you as you get older and those are always worth practicing and learning.


It only gets negative when one person or both begins to stagnate and stop building mutual and personal progress in learning how to navigate the relationship in accordance with life values as they usually work together. An example is materialism tainting the progression of a good romance because one partner fails a certain social standard.