Shy Boy, How Do I Start Talking to Him?

[Sophie99]

Hi

There's a boy in my class in college who I think is really attractive and I want to get to know him, but he is really shy, but I think he is really sweet and kind. I don't just mean a little shy, I mean he struggles to have conversations with anyone, and I don't think he has many or any friends. If anyone tries to talk to him he gets really anxious, blushes and talks with a stutter.

For some reason I find this makes him more attractive and I'm not sure why, but I really want to start talking to him but I'm so scared to approach him because I'm sure I will freak him out because he's even worse around girls than he is boys. I'm 99.9% sure he's never had a girlfriend or ever been close to a girl so I'm worried about approaching him because I know he is going to find it really weird and panick.

I know im going to have to approach him which isn't the usual thing a girl does but I know it's never going to happen even if I drop the most obvious hints, because he will either be too naive to realise or will be too scared to approach me.

So does anyone know how I can try and approach this boy, any help someone can please give me, thank you.

[Bontigo Papi .]

Simple : get his number and speak to him that way . if he's shy and anxious in person , he might not be over the phone . that's your best bet . how you're going to get his number , I don't know .

[Sophie99]

Simple : get his number and speak to him that way . if he's shy and anxious in person , he might not be over the phone . that's your best bet . how you're going to get his number , I don't know .

That's what I was thinking he might be OK when texting, I just don't know how to start talking to him because I just feel like anyway I approach him will just scare him off :(

[maddogmj77]

Talking through messages is definitely easier for socially-anxious people. (myself included)

Maybe you could try passing him a note?

It could be as simple as a "Hello", but it's something to break the ice.

[Sophie99]

Talking through messages is definitely easier for socially-anxious people. (myself included)

Maybe you could try passing him a note?

It could be as simple as a "Hello", but it's something to break the ice.

Yeah he's very socially anxious so I'm scared to approach him in fear that he is intimidated by me. I was thinking that he might find a note offensive as I think he gets picked on a lot and one of the ways this is done is by sending notes/text messages that mean people send him. I just don't want to mess this up :(

[maddogmj77]

Yeah he's very socially anxious so I'm scared to approach him in fear that he is intimidated by me. I was thinking that he might find a note offensive as I think he gets picked on a lot and one of the ways this is done is by sending notes/text messages that mean people send him. I just don't want to mess this up :(

He won't find the note offensive so long as you don't make it that way.

You just have to take everything slowly, don't put any pressure on him.

I can't really give any advice on what to actually say, I've never tried talking to anybody at school.

[Sophie99]

He won't find the note offensive so long as you don't make it that way.

You just have to take everything slowly, don't put any pressure on him.

I can't really give any advice on what to actually say, I've never tried talking to anybody at school.

So if I hand him a note saying hello he should be OK with it, is there a chance he will talk to me then?

[maddogmj77]

So if I hand him a note saying hello he should be OK with it, is there a chance he will talk to me then?

Well, you'll never know until you try it.

There is no chance if you don't try.

[KatieCO2003]

I'd say he definately has social anxiety, which is a horrible thing to deal with. I have it and sometimes, as much as I really want to talk to someone, I just can't. Like I can't even speak. And talking on the phone? I'd rather be shot. So, maybe try this: bring him a cupcake with a note that says "Hi, thought you might like a cupcake". But nothing else. And don't speak. Just put it on his desk. If he eats it and looks like he enjoyed it, bring him another in a week or so. This time with a note that says "Hi. Brought you another... just because." Keep doing that, but go very slowly. If it seems like he's ok with it after the third time, then try giving him your txt# or maybe talking to him. Just remember that it may be very uncomfortable for him at first, even if he thinks you're hot and desperately wants to tell you so. And if he's not cool with the whole thing, then just stop for a few weeks and give him some time to adjust. And if he's really not cool with it, then, maybe he's just not cool with it. Good luck. I hope everything works out well.

[PlasmaHam]

As a registered and licensed shy guy with some speech ticks, I think I may be of some help. I suggest that if you want to start talking to him, it would be best to do it personally. Go up to him in a relatively quiet environment and introduce yourself and ask him some general questions about himself and reveal some things about yourself. Often time shy guys will open up when someone is attempting to engage them in an honest one-on-one conversation. For this to work though you have to show him that you are genuinely interested in getting to know him. I have seen people engage conversation with me out of a sense of pity instead of actual interest, and it really turns me off to that conversation.

Don't pressure him to open up though, go slow. Just chit-chat with him occasionally over a few weeks, get him comfortable with you as just a friend. Going too quickly into the romance/dating stuff will scare him off. Once you feel that this guy is comfortable talking to you I would then suggest taking your relationship a step further. Take him out on a few dates, but then remember to take it slow. The way you described it this guy never had a romantic relationship before, so you will probably need to be slower with it.

On notes and texts. I wouldn't recommend exclusively using them, that would just make things awkward, but the occasion usage would be good. I am living proof that shy guys often feel more comfortable talking via writing. However if you want a relationship with him, he will need to be comfortable talking to you directly.

[maddogmj77]

as much as I really want to talk to someone, I just can't. Like I can't even speak. And talking on the phone? I'd rather be shot.

Same here, I end up hating myself for it later too.

Go up to him in a relatively quiet environment and introduce yourself and ask him some general questions about himself and reveal some things about yourself. Often time shy guys will open up when someone is attempting to engage them in an honest one-on-one conversation. For this to work though you have to show him that you are genuinely interested in getting to know him. I have seen people engage conversation with me out of a sense of pity instead of actual interest, and it really turns me off to that conversation.

I am living proof that shy guys often feel more comfortable talking via writing. However if you want a relationship with him, he will need to be comfortable talking to you directly.

Nice ideas, opening up for me is literally impossible if there's too many people around.
And if the other person doesn't seem interested then it just makes me stop talking.
For myself, I just think that it might be easier to start with a note.

Being comfortable while talking directly is a huge step to move forward, but any sort of pressure may turn him off, even if he is genuinely interested in you.

[Sophie99]

I will see him today as I have a class that he is in today, I think I'm going to give him a friendly note as I don't think he could handle the social interaction and I know he eats very healthily so he wouldn't appreciate a cake or anything along those lines, i will post after the class to tell everyone how things go. I hope this works out :)

[Sophie99]

UPDATE: I handed a note saying 'Hi (name) how are you, (Sophie), when he wasn't looking and he opened it and read it sort of smiled. He didn't look at me and just carried on doing his work. What can I get from this??

[maddogmj77]

UPDATE: I handed a note saying 'Hi (name) how are you, (Sophie), when he wasn't looking and he opened it and read it sort of smiled. He didn't look at me and just carried on doing his work. What can I get from this??

You shouldn't be trying to get anything from that, don't try to assume anything.

The only way you'll be able to know anything, is if he speaks to you.

I'd probably do the same thing as him honestly, so I'm not really sure what to do, sorry :(

[Sophie99]

You shouldn't be trying to get anything from that, don't try to assume anything.

The only way you'll be able to know anything, is if he speaks to you.

I'd probably do the same thing as him honestly, so I'm not really sure what to do, sorry :(

So for now what should I do, just sit back and wait if he tries to talk to me? Or should I have another way of trying to talk to him ready?

[Just JT]

Just wait, give it some time. If he's really shy he may not know how to respond yet

PlasmaHam. That was a stellar reply man. Very cool, and thanks for sharing something about you to

[Sophie99]

Just wait, give it some time. If he's really shy he may not know how to respond yet

PlasmaHam. That was a stellar reply man. Very cool, and thanks for sharing something about you to

How much time should I give it if he doesn't get back to me?

[Just JT]

How much time should I give it if he doesn't get back to me?

I don't think that's easy to answer. Everyone's different. Dodats monday, maybe you'll see him in class today or tomorrow. Just see how he reacts to you. He may not at all, he may look at you say hi and shy away. It all depends. But if he even just looks at you and smiles, I'd call that a success, and give him some more time.

Someone mentioned speaking to him in a quiet peaceful setting of something. Maybe think of how to do that without making him feeling your trying so hard. Perhaps a study session at the library or something (down the road maybe)

There was a lot of good advise from other season members. Some speaking from experience. I'm not a shy type of person. I just follow my gut instincts. I haven't been wrong many times with that

Maybe hand another not asking to join you for a cup of coffee or something

[Sophie99]

I don't think that's easy to answer. Everyone's different. Dodats monday, maybe you'll see him in class today or tomorrow. Just see how he reacts to you. He may not at all, he may look at you say hi and shy away. It all depends. But if he even just looks at you and smiles, I'd call that a success, and give him some more time.

Someone mentioned speaking to him in a quiet peaceful setting of something. Maybe think of how to do that without making him feeling your trying so hard. Perhaps a study session at the library or something (down the road maybe)

There was a lot of good advise from other season members. Some speaking from experience. I'm not a shy type of person. I just follow my gut instincts. I haven't been wrong many times with that

Maybe hand another not asking to join you for a cup of coffee or something

I don't know how to express how socially anxious this boy is, I don't know if I can talk to him in person yet, because I'm being 100% serious when I say I don't think he'd be able to say a word to me, he's that anxious. Everyone thinks he's very stubborn and arrogant since he never talks to anyone when he's very aesthetically attractive, but I can just tell it's shyness and I really feel sorry for him and I want to be there for him, I just feel like any way I approach him will scare him off and maybe make him feel worse about himself :(

[Just JT]

Then don't do that. Maybe take some of the other advise offered here. Do you have his email or cell number? Maybe social media messages like Facebook or something?
Just don't come across to pushy and be patient.

[Sophie99]

Then don't do that. Maybe take some of the other advise offered here. Do you have his email or cell number? Maybe social media messages like Facebook or something?
Just don't come across to pushy and be patient.

I don't have his phone number and he doesn't have Facebook or anything like that as far as I know unfortunately. I don't want to come across pushy but it drives me crazy not being able to talk to him like most people can talk to people they like

[Ran_Rosalinda]

You know what i think? maybe you should just be you, and be patient, try to make him used to you, i know that it's so difficult for you to talk with him, but try to find some reasons, like studies for example, you have to make him relax, somehow, you need to show him that he can also be the real him with you and that there's no need for him to be shy, and when you become close, you can tell him about your feelings because i don't think a shy boy would do it.

[messid]

Youre in the same class right? That makes a really good excuse!! You can say something small and non threatening to him one day like "hey, i wasnt paying enough attention last class, could i take a look at your notes?" or other little things like that so that you can make him more comfortable around you...basically you could try "building rapport"

[KatieCO2003]

I don't have his phone number and he doesn't have Facebook or anything like that as far as I know unfortunately. I don't want to come across pushy but it drives me crazy not being able to talk to him like most people can talk to people they like


Sophie, too soon I think. For now, just relax and let him get his head around the idea of you. Smile at him when you see him this week. Maybe on Thurs, send him another short note. He didn't freak out or get hostile about the first note. That's a good thing. But he's going to need to first convince himself that you aren't trying to make him look like a fool and that he can trust you. Then, he'll need to formulate a strategy in his head about what to say if you talk to him, etc.

[Sophie99]

Hello everyone thank you for your lovely messages, I am going to pass another note to him today to see how it goes and I'll keep updated after it happens

[Ran_Rosalinda]

Hello everyone thank you for your lovely messages, I am going to pass another note to him today to see how it goes and I'll keep updated after it happens
Good luck my dear, let us know when something new happens ok?

[Sophie99]

Hi everyone, today I snuck a note into his locker so he didn't feel pressured to look at it in class, and so he could have no immediate pressure to reply or anything. The note said "Hi (name) it's (Sophie) again, you seem really nice and I'd love to get to know you more :) x"

I didn't intentionally wait for him to open his locker but I was sitting with friends when I seen him open his locker and the note fell out on to the floor and he picked it up and read it. He seemed to look quite shocked and glanced around the corridor quite timidly and put the note in his pocket and walked away.

Do you think I scared him away or am I just over reacting because this means so much to me. I'm really upset now as I sit in school writing this :(

[Ran_Rosalinda]

Hi everyone, today I snuck a note into his locker so he didn't feel pressured to look at it in class, and so he could have no immediate pressure to reply or anything. The note said "Hi (name) it's (Sophie) again, you seem really nice and I'd love to get to know you more :) x"

I didn't intentionally wait for him to open his locker but I was sitting with friends when I seen him open his locker and the note fell out on to the floor and he picked it up and read it. He seemed to look quite shocked and glanced around the corridor quite timidly and put the note in his pocket and walked away.

Do you think I scared him away or am I just over reacting because this means so much to me. I'm really upset now as I sit in school writing this :(

Just calm down Sophie, don't worry, it's an expected reaction honestly, i kinda have social anxiety too but that guy seems to be worse than my case, but i would honestly do the same thing if i were him, as you've already said, he never had a girlfriend or even a friend before so he just may be thinking about why would you be interested in him, and why do you want to get to know him more, he's maybe also thinking about the fact that these notes are just a joke, he's maybe afraid that you would just make fun of him, so he was just careful, and i don't think he will reply soon, so i suggest to give him some time before you write another note

[Sophie99]

Just calm down Sophie, don't worry, it's an expected reaction honestly, i kinda have social anxiety too but that guy seems to be worse than my case, but i would honestly do the same thing if i were him, as you've already said, he never had a girlfriend or even a friend before so he just may be thinking about why would you be interested in him, and why do you want to get to know him more, he's maybe also thinking about the fact that these notes are just a joke, he's maybe afraid that you would just make fun of him, so he was just careful, and i don't think he will reply soon, so i suggest to give him some time before you write another note

I think he might think that the notes could be a joke from bullies or something, so you think I should continue to send notes or is there another way I can make communication without physically approaching him. I haven't told friends or anyone I like him because I think if the word got around that he wouldn't be able to think it was serious and he'd probably think it is people trying to upset him. I don't have his phone number, and he doesn't have Facebook or any social media to contact him on them, so I'm really sad and don't know what to do :(

[Ran_Rosalinda]

I think he might think that the notes could be a joke from bullies or something, so you think I should continue to send notes or is there another way I can make communication without physically approaching him. I haven't told friends or anyone I like him because I think if the word got around that he wouldn't be able to think it was serious and he'd probably think it is people trying to upset him. I don't have his phone number, and he doesn't have Facebook or any social media to contact him on them, so I'm really sad and don't know what to do :(

Are you really sure that you can't talk to him personally? like "Hey, i'm Sophie, how are you doing today?"
i think that even if he was scared at the first time, he would get used to you after.
If you don't think you can talk to him, then i think you should continue sending notes because i don't find an other way you can communicate with him, just go slowly and don't send notes every day or he'll freak out, give him some space and time to "absorb" the notes.
And if you want an advice, don't follow him or go wherever he is, because he'll be scared and bored.
Good luck, i really hope things become better between you ;)

[Sophie99]

Are you really sure that you can't talk to him personally? like "Hey, i'm Sophie, how are you doing today?"
i think that even if he was scared at the first time, he would get used to you after.
If you don't think you can talk to him, then i think you should continue sending notes because i don't find an other way you can communicate with him, just go slowly and don't send notes every day or he'll freak out, give him some space and time to "absorb" the notes.
And if you want an advice, don't follow him or go wherever he is, because he'll be scared and bored.
Good luck, i really hope things become better between you ;)

I'm certain he won't be able to talk to me, it drives me INSANE but it's just how he is. I don't know how to describe his anxiety but it's only the most serious I've ever seen someone have anxiety. I haven't been following him around I just happened to be sitting down near his locker so I saw him open it and read the note. I don't think approaching him physically is a smart idea first, as he isn't used to it at all and he probably won't be able to even to process any thoughts and most likely freak way out. I think he has maybe 1/2 close friends in school, do you think I should try to make friends with them to try and get to him or would that be immoral?

[Kyle37]

I think the thing that makes most dudes really anxious is not knowing whats going on in the social interaction. This can be caused by being really vague, or not having a clear plan of what to talk about (as he probably doesn't want to be put on the spot to come up with something, when he had no idea you were going to approach him). So what I would do in this case is be more straight forward (but not too straight forward like "Hi I find you attractive want to go out" (this would be quite extreme)). Just find one of his interests that you have the most knowledge about that, and then maybe suggest to go for some group event (don't come off to strong, but don't be incredibly vague either, make sure he knows whats going on, and if he really does feel comfortable pull out).

[Sophie99]

I think the thing that makes most dudes really anxious is not knowing whats going on in the social interaction. This can be caused by being really vague, or not having a clear plan of what to talk about (as he probably doesn't want to be put on the spot to come up with something, when he had no idea you were going to approach him). So what I would do in this case is be more straight forward (but not too straight forward like "Hi I find you attractive want to go out" (this would be quite extreme)). Just find one of his interests that you have the most knowledge about that, and then maybe suggest to go for some group event (don't come off to strong, but don't be incredibly vague either, make sure he knows whats going on, and if he really does feel comfortable pull out).


2 things I know he loves is body building and football, should I go out my way to see him at the gym or something or go to a match, or should I just keep it in the back of my mind. I have no interest in these things myself but should I try to like what he likes?

[Sophie99]

Just talk to him, guys will be so much different once you get to start talking to them. You might be surprized as well. :P

Trust me I wish it was this simple, if you've dealt with someone who suffers from severe social anxiety, you know this isn't possible to just go up and talk to him like a normal person.

[Ran_Rosalinda]

I'm certain he won't be able to talk to me, it drives me INSANE but it's just how he is. I don't know how to describe his anxiety but it's only the most serious I've ever seen someone have anxiety. I haven't been following him around I just happened to be sitting down near his locker so I saw him open it and read the note. I don't think approaching him physically is a smart idea first, as he isn't used to it at all and he probably won't be able to even to process any thoughts and most likely freak way out. I think he has maybe 1/2 close friends in school, do you think I should try to make friends with them to try and get to him or would that be immoral?

yeah, i think it's a good idea, maybe if you become a little closer to his friend, maybe you'll get to be closer to him too without scaring him, unless if his friend is very shy too.

[KatieCO2003]

If I were him and a girl had put a note in my locker, I'd be seriously suspicious that bullies were playing a joke on me. Because that has happened to me and it was devistating. I don't have any advice for getting around that part, except to just keep being nice to him. You will need to earn his trust and that may take a while. Maybe next time, let him know that sending him notes makes you really anxious and nervous too and that you hope he doesn't take it as a prank or joke becasue you really do want to be his friend. And also, just keep smiling at him and maybe say good morning.

[Ran_Rosalinda]

If I were him and a girl had put a note in my locker, I'd be seriously suspicious that bullies were playing a joke on me. Because that has happened to me and it was devistating. I don't have any for getting around that part, except to just keep being nice to him. You will need to earn his trust and that may take a while. Maybe next time, let him know that sending him notes makes you really anxious and nervous too and that you hope he doesn't take it as a prank or joke becasue you really do want to be his friend. And also, just keep smiling at him and maybe say good morning.

I absolutely agree with you, these are really good ideas, this is exactly what i was thinking about

[Sophie99]

If I were him and a girl had put a note in my locker, I'd be seriously suspicious that bullies were playing a joke on me. Because that has happened to me and it was devistating. I don't have any advice for getting around that part, except to just keep being nice to him. You will need to earn his trust and that may take a while. Maybe next time, let him know that sending him notes makes you really anxious and nervous too and that you hope he doesn't take it as a prank or joke becasue you really do want to be his friend. And also, just keep smiling at him and maybe say good morning.


So you think notes could be a bad idea as he might think it's people trying to upset him? I won't send him any notes anymore in that case because that's the last thing I'd want. I think for now I'm just going to keep my cool and try to befriend his friend. I was thinking about going to the gym and if I was lucky enough to see him there i could try talking to him then as he might feel good in his comfort zone. I don't know if saying good morning etc is a good idea because he might feel pressured to say something back, which I don't want him to feel pressured because I can't even understand how difficult it is for him to talk to people.

[KatieCO2003]

So you think notes could be a bad idea as he might think it's people trying to upset him? I won't send him any notes anymore in that case because that's the last thing I'd want. I think for now I'm just going to keep my cool and try to befriend his friend. I was thinking about going to the gym and if I was lucky enough to see him there i could try talking to him then as he might feel good in his comfort zone. I don't know if saying good morning etc is a good idea because he might feel pressured to say something back, which I don't want him to feel pressured because I can't even understand how difficult it is for him to talk to people.

I don't think notes are necessarily a bad idea. I just think that he's going to need time to 1) realize this isn't a joke 2) realize that you really do like him 3) figure out how to deal with that 4) decide if he likes you too. And every bit of that takes time. I know you're anxious to get things going and get to that place where he spontaneously wraps you up in his arms when you're cold. We all want that. But for some of us, getting there is a lot harder and slower than it is for others. I hope that makes sense.

[Sophie99]

I don't think notes are necessarily a bad idea. I just think that he's going to need time to 1) realize this isn't a joke 2) realize that you really do like him 3) figure out how to deal with that 4) decide if he likes you too. And every bit of that takes time. I know you're anxious to get things going and get to that place where he spontaneously wraps you up in his arms when you're cold. We all want that. But for some of us, getting there is a lot harder and slower than it is for others. I hope that makes sense.

How much time do you think he will need? I don't think I can go straight into a romantic relationship, I think the only way that can happen is if I befriend him first because in all honesty I don't think he will be able to understand that someone is romantically interested in him, and the thoughts of romance will freak him out immensely. The only problem is I don't know how to befriend him, which really makes me upset that I can't even just talk to him even just for a 1 word exchange or anything. Idk I struggle to understand how someone who has his looks doesn't have all the confidence in the world, I know looks don't = confidence but it can play a massive part. I'm worried that this could take many months, even years to happen :( :(. I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes but I think I'm becoming obsessed with him, and I just want to be able to talk to him even just as a friend :(, I guess it's difficult for me to because I've never been in a relationship, or ever been close to a straight boy, I have a few close gay boyfriends and some girlfriends that i love. Do you think I should tell people that I like him or do you think I should just keep it an absolute secret? I'm really struggling what to do :(

[Sophie99]

UPDATE: I found a note in my locker today, it read 'I'm sorry to bother you Sophie, but who is sending these letters to me and to my locker? Is it actually you Sophie, or is it people trying to play a joke on me again”

I'm so happy he got back to me :) :) :) but I don't know how to respond to what he has said to me? It has to be by not form but I have no idea what to write back to him, I'm just so happy he wrote back to me :yes::yes::yes:, I can't believe it I didn't think he'd ever reply to me :)

[darla]

yeah. talk to him

[Sophie99]

yeah. talk to him

How should I talk to him?

[KatieCO2003]

How much time do you think he will need? :(

Its impossible to set a timeline. I know you don't understand, but people with social anxiety disorders can't really control how anxious they get or when. Its not a decision we make, it's just how it is. When I get really anxious, I "freeze up". Can't speak, sometimes can't even move. Its not that I don't want to. Believe me, I DESPERATELY want to talk to guys IRL, but my body and brain won't let me. I'm guessing that your guy may have the same problems. Its not an issue of confidence, its a matter of overcoming some very real physical symptoms.

I'm very happy that he wrote back. Now is the time to tell him that you really are sencere. AND, that you understand why he thinks it could just be a joke. And that you've been very worried that he wouldn't believe that you were being honest. Also,that you understand if its not so easy for him to talk to people. Might want to tell him those things in person.

[Sophie99]

Its impossible to set a timeline. I know you don't understand, but people with social anxiety disorders can't really control how anxious they get or when. Its not a decision we make, it's just how it is. When I get really anxious, I "freeze up". Can't speak, sometimes can't even move. Its not that I don't want to. Believe me, I DESPERATELY want to talk to guys IRL, but my body and brain won't let me. I'm guessing that your guy may have the same problems. Its not an issue of confidence, its a matter of overcoming some very real physical symptoms.

I'm very happy that he wrote back. Now is the time to tell him that you really are sencere. AND, that you understand why he thinks it could just be a joke. And that you've been very worried that he wouldn't believe that you were being honest. Also,that you understand if its not so easy for him to talk to people. Might want to tell him those things in person.

I know I don't understand social anxiety but I'm really trying to figure out how it works. I've spoken to people who are just low in confidence etc, but I've never dealt with something this severe, so I'm worried that 1 slight little movement will just mess this whole thing up.

I'm debating whether to go up to him in person, and telling him those things, or by doing it in note form. I think note is best for now as he managed to reply by a note, so I dont want to move it up a level when I know he isn't ready whatsoever.

I was thinking about going up to him in person and saying something along the lines of: "Look I know how hard these situations are for you, so you don't have to say a word if you don't want to" and then tell him what you said above, but I'm worried that might weird him out so I think I'm just going to stick to notes.

I was thinking about leaving my number on the end of the note after I explain that this is not a joke etc, is that too pushy and do you think it'll pressure him into texting me or do you think I should just avoid leaving my number?

[Sophie99]

Since everyone has offered their great help, I guess I have to take this one all alone, wish me luck :(