Liking photos

[EssentialAspiration]

I have a girlfriend of a long time. I like to like others girls photos on social media that I know. Not filthy pictures or anything just standard stuff. My girlfriend doesn't like it and while I don't want to upset her I feel she is being overdramatic as likes mean nothing. She doesn't own me and I don't want to be told what to do. If she liked a standard photo of some lad she knew I wouldn't be jealous because it means nothing to me. This has been an issue for a while and I don't know how to resolve this situation satisfactorily.

[Leprous]

I have a girlfriend of a long time. I like to like others girls photos on social media that I know. Not filthy pictures or anything just standard stuff. My girlfriend doesn't like it and while I don't want to upset her I feel she is being overdramatic as likes mean nothing. She doesn't own me and I don't want to be told what to do. If she liked a standard photo of some lad she knew I wouldn't be jealous because it means nothing to me. This has been an issue for a while and I don't know how to resolve this situation satisfactorily.

Well, you said it yourself. I have the same opinion here honestly. She's been way to suspicious because tbh a like on social media barely means anything. I'd just sit down and talk to her about it if I were you. Just try to tell her that it doesn't mean anything and try to reassure her in a calm way.

[drhalsey1]

Maybe just ask her why it upsets her, once she answers just explain that the girls you are liking pics of are just friends, nothing to worry about

[ClaraWho]

I do find it odd you would like random girls photos, I mean why? What does it achieve besides upsetting your girlfriend?

The very fact that it upsets her and it is trivial should encourage you to stop. It's rather juvenile and not very emotionally mature to carry on as a 'you're not the boss of me' type argument.

For instance you say 'a like means nothing' - so why do it? You know it upsets her, yet you do it for no reason? Every action has a decision behind it, you just need to look deeper.

It sounds like you have some deeper issues with being in a relationship and the two-way street that it requires to work. Perhaps you aren't ready for the stage the relationship has come to compared to her. There isn't really a way back from that other than breaking up. She may not 'own' you, but healthy couples become a 'unit' rather than operating individually. Her opinion on what you do should matter as much as your own when making decisions. If you can't acquiesce on something this minor, what are you going to do when a major dispute arises and you aren't willing to compromise on some silly principle?

Any exclusive relationship will be like this. The issue may be different, sure, but the same circumstances will inevitably arise.

~ Clara

[EssentialAspiration]

I can't see how her insecurities controlling my harmless actions is right. The point to me is it starts with pictures and then where does it end? Should she not realise she's being irrational? She didn't say anything about this for ages and we were perfect I thought I'd found somebody completely mature who understood that slight friendly attention towards friends does not retract from my attention towards her. As far as 'deeper issues with being in a relationship' is concerned, I love being in a relationship and I don't suit the single life myself at all. So long as while we are a couple we are still individual people with a reasonable say in the others actions that does not edge on irrational and controlling.

[ClaraWho]

I can't see how her insecurities controlling my harmless actions is right. The point to me is it starts with pictures and then where does it end? Should she not realise she's being irrational? She didn't say anything about this for ages and we were perfect I thought I'd found somebody completely mature who understood that slight friendly attention towards friends does not retract from my attention towards her. As far as 'deeper issues with being in a relationship' is concerned, I love being in a relationship and I don't suit the single life myself at all. So long as while we are a couple we are still individual people with a reasonable say in the others actions that does not edge on irrational and controlling.

It's ironic isn't it. You call her insecure yet feel her simple request is 'controlling'. You didn't really take anything on board from my previous message which doesn't bode well for you. You asked how you can resolve this satisfactorily, maybe You can't. Maybe you don't really want to unless she simply agrees with you.

Coincidentally my friends and I were consoling a girl friend who just broke up with a guy after a year together. Any time she came to him with any issue that had upset her, he'd tell her she was irrational and shouldn't be saying anything. Do you realise how small and insignificant that makes someone feel? The fact they even have to bring it up to their partner in the first place, worrying they are overreacting but not being able to stop feeling hurt, only to be told coldly 'you are irrational, get over it'. That isn't loving, healthy or supportive. It destroys relationships. It shows you don't care. And the thing is, we all agreed his behaviour was at the very least odd.

Like you randomly liking girls photos, then lying and saying 'it means nothing'. Why do you do it then? You ignored this entirely in the last post, yet it is the very basis of the problem. It's like you feel if you don't have this outlet for control, that if you give this up, you'll be giving up your freedom? Help me out here, I can't see the reason for doing it.

From what you have said she doesn't have any issues of you talking to the opposite sex, just an issue with you liking other girls pictures. From her perspective here is the connotation; Liking a photo of a girl is telling her you like her appearance, that you think she is good looking in that photo. Going around complimenting girls on their appearance, which can be taken as flirtatious. Secondly, her friends are online presumably. They see you liking all these other girls photos and it could make them doubt your relationship. Regardless of how secure your girlfriend is, how trusting, having her friends think you are that way is a crappy feeling. You want your friends to think highly of your partner.

You describe your action as harmless - yet it is causing harm. You know this. You are fully aware that is the problem. You just want her to 'deal with it'. That's not how relationships work - it's kinda in the meaning of the word.

Perhaps to her it starts with pictures then where does it end. Same wording, different meaning. Different perspective, her perspective. Two sides to every coin.

'Should she not realise she's being irrational?'

Pot calling the kettle black? Shouldn't you? We can all deem someone else's perspective irrational if we aren't willing or able to empathise with their position. You think her asking you to not like girls photos, something you have yourself stated means nothing to you, will explode into her having you handcuffed to a bedpost with no wifi and wearing a tinfoil hat. I exaggerate but the point stands.

"I love being in a relationship and I don't suit the single life myself at all. So long as while we are a couple we are still individual people"

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how relationships work. You say you don't suit the single life, yet want all the benefits of a partnership whilst being individual. Doesn't work. Won't work. It only gets worse over time (or better, again, perspective). Amusingly I couldn't quickly pull up studies to show how opinions become the same over time, attitudes, and personalities as I couldn't get the wording right.

http://www.livescience.com/8384-couples-start.html
http://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/11/science/long-married-couples-do-look-alike-study-finds.html

~ Clara

N.B. In fac there, I don't agree with all of this article, just a lot of the first half. I feel you may relate. Perhaps reading over this with your girlfriend might be useful, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201308/how-be-someone-still-be-yourself

The above site's research is always questionable, but some of the non-solution stuff is evidence based.

[EssentialAspiration]

That last link was actually quite interesting. It seems fundamentally our attitudes on what a relationship is differ. I believe relationships can work with a strong sense of individuality. I believe we should have a certain level of trust within one another so that these sort of things simply aren't a problem. I'd also like to make clear that despite some of the wording I've used on this post out of somewhat anger, I have a few times discussed this issue with her at length in a very empathetic manner. If anything her reaction to me liking these pictures gives me the sense that there is a lack of trust. When I've pressed this matter I've been assured I have her complete trust.

The main problem is I and my girlfriend seem to have completely different attitudes regarding social media. To me a like is just that. A like. Obviously there are limits and I would never like anything that would be disrespectful towards my girlfriend (obscene stuff) But to her a like seems to mean more than that and is something that creates concern.

She has said in the past a like is a compliment on appearance and that is a problem. Now to me that shouldn't be a problem. If a like is to be considered a compliment (which I would agree it is) it is a small form of compliment that is perfectly within appropriate boundaries, obviously depending on the content of the picture. The illusion that two people in a relationship do not find others attractive is just that, an illusion. And I do not see that as a problem within appropriate boundaries. The issue is liking a photo to me is perfectly within the boundaries I see as appropriate.

[Meganium]

She has said in the past a like is a compliment on appearance and that is a problem. Now to me that shouldn't be a problem. If a like is to be considered a compliment (which I would agree it is) it is a small form of compliment that is perfectly within appropriate boundaries, obviously depending on the content of the picture. The illusion that two people in a relationship do not find others attractive is just that, an illusion. And I do not see that as a problem within appropriate boundaries. The issue is liking a photo to me is perfectly within the boundaries I see as appropriate.

Yeah, I agree with that entirely.

[RJH98]

I do find it odd you would like random girls photos, I mean why? What does it achieve besides upsetting your girlfriend?

The very fact that it upsets her and it is trivial should encourage you to stop. It's rather juvenile and not very emotionally mature to carry on as a 'you're not the boss of me' type argument.

For instance you say 'a like means nothing' - so why do it? You know it upsets her, yet you do it for no reason? Every action has a decision behind it, you just need to look deeper.

It sounds like you have some deeper issues with being in a relationship and the two-way street that it requires to work. Perhaps you aren't ready for the stage the relationship has come to compared to her. There isn't really a way back from that other than breaking up. She may not 'own' you, but healthy couples become a 'unit' rather than operating individually. Her opinion on what you do should matter as much as your own when making decisions. If you can't acquiesce on something this minor, what are you going to do when a major dispute arises and you aren't willing to compromise on some silly principle?

Any exclusive relationship will be like this. The issue may be different, sure, but the same circumstances will inevitably arise.

~ Clara

I think you are heavily overreacting to this whole situation. Judging someones relationship based on the fact of OP liking pictures of people he knows (not "random" people, as you said) is very irrational in my opinion. I am however, very impressed with your ability to write an entire psychological analysis of someones relationship based on this one small and rather insignificant particle of their relationship.

As for OP's question: I think relationships are built on trusting eachother around other people, especially if they're of the opposite sex. As mentioned I also believe that you shouldn't have to give up your individuality when you enter a relationship. Talk to your girlfriend about why this upsets her so much and if she is still really bothered by it, it shouldn't be a huge thing to sacrifice for the sake of your relationship. As you mentioned yourself, likes are rather insignificant anyway.

[ClaraWho]

I think you are heavily overreacting to this whole situation. Judging someones relationship based on the fact of OP liking pictures of people he knows (not "random" people, as you said) is very irrational in my opinion. I am however, very impressed with your ability to write an entire psychological analysis of someones relationship based on this one small and rather insignificant particle of their relationship.

As for OP's question: I think relationships are built on trusting eachother around other people, especially if they're of the opposite sex. As mentioned I also believe that you shouldn't have to give up your individuality when you enter a relationship. Talk to your girlfriend about why this upsets her so much and if she is still really bothered by it, it shouldn't be a huge thing to sacrifice for the sake of your relationship. As you mentioned yourself, likes are rather insignificant anyway.

I'm not particularly interested in your opinion of my posts, nor is it helpful to the OP. Maybe next time just answer the question yourself and leave it at that?

I say it as I see it, using my experience and knowledge of psychology. I asked questions the OP neglected or was unable to answer. I used the data he presented. Coalescing all of this I arrived at my response. It wouldn't have been of any use to anyone should I agree when I don't believe he is right. Your opinion clearly differs.

All your response told him was to keep telling his girlfriend she is irrational. Which firstly ignores the points I made as you clearly didn't read it through, and secondly she isn't going to just stop thinking about it. All the OP persisting will encourage her to do is to shut up. To bottle it up until it festers into a bigger issue that ultimately breaks up his relationship. You think she'll EVER turn around and say 'Sorry, I'm being irrational, carry on'? Never. Going. To. Happen.

The OP asked for help changing the situation, not justification for his side of the argument. I promise it will go badly for him if he goes back to her saying all his friends and people he asked say she is irrational.

Relationships require communication and mutual giving. Otherwise they do not work.

~ Clara

[drhalsey1]

^relationships need communication, so talking to come to a compromise should be enough, you can like pictures, just explain that the likes aren't meant as the most sincere compliments, just simple ones, and ask her what her actual problem is with it, why she gets upset over it and see if you can do something about that

[RJH98]

I'm not particularly interested in your opinion of my posts, nor is it helpful to the OP. Maybe next time just answer the question yourself and leave it at that?

I say it as I see it, using my experience and knowledge of psychology. I asked questions the OP neglected or was unable to answer. I used the data he presented. Coalescing all of this I arrived at my response. It wouldn't have been of any use to anyone should I agree when I don't believe he is right. Your opinion clearly differs.

All your response told him was to keep telling his girlfriend she is irrational. Which firstly ignores the points I made as you clearly didn't read it through, and secondly she isn't going to just stop thinking about it. All the OP persisting will encourage her to do is to shut up. To bottle it up until it festers into a bigger issue that ultimately breaks up his relationship. You think she'll EVER turn around and say 'Sorry, I'm being irrational, carry on'? Never. Going. To. Happen.

The OP asked for help changing the situation, not justification for his side of the argument. I promise it will go badly for him if he goes back to her saying all his friends and people he asked say she is irrational.

Relationships require communication and mutual giving. Otherwise they do not work.

~ Clara

Not once have I mentioned his girlfriend being irrational over this. I told OP to talk to his girlfriend about this topic in order for the both of them to understand eachother better. As you said yourself, relationships require extensive communication and mutual giving. That is the advice I gave OP

[ClovesXIII]

I see where Clara is coming from but a relationship takes trust. If your girlfriend is getting overly pissed about a simple photo, it is recommended that you find the source of this anger. If liking another girl's photo irritates her, maybe there is some insecurities that she doesn't want you to know because you are her boyfriend and she wants to give you the assumption that she's always got it together.

I'm totally on you with this being irrational though. and I can assure you that not all girls have this "insecurity" or impulsive feeling towards the liking of a girl's photo.

[EssentialAspiration]

Our opinions clearly differ on this and while I appreciate your insight and find it useful when thinking about my current situation, it would have been nicer if delivered without the rudeness. For somebody with such a grasp of psychology I would've thought you could debate on something without the passive aggressive tone. A real shame considering that excluding the condescending tone and overwhelming assumptions with little evidence given you have very little detail of my situation, the rest of your opinion and the way in which you support it is actually quite interesting.

It's ironic isn't it. You call her insecure yet feel her simple request is 'controlling'. You didn't really take anything on board from my previous message which doesn't bode well for you. You asked how you can resolve this satisfactorily, maybe You can't. Maybe you don't really want to unless she simply agrees with you.

Coincidentally my friends and I were consoling a girl friend who just broke up with a guy after a year together. Any time she came to him with any issue that had upset her, he'd tell her she was irrational and shouldn't be saying anything. Do you realise how small and insignificant that makes someone feel? The fact they even have to bring it up to their partner in the first place, worrying they are overreacting but not being able to stop feeling hurt, only to be told coldly 'you are irrational, get over it'. That isn't loving, healthy or supportive. It destroys relationships. It shows you don't care. And the thing is, we all agreed his behaviour was at the very least odd.

Like you randomly liking girls photos, then lying and saying 'it means nothing'. Why do you do it then? You ignored this entirely in the last post, yet it is the very basis of the problem. It's like you feel if you don't have this outlet for control, that if you give this up, you'll be giving up your freedom? Help me out here, I can't see the reason for doing it.

From what you have said she doesn't have any issues of you talking to the opposite sex, just an issue with you liking other girls pictures. From her perspective here is the connotation; Liking a photo of a girl is telling her you like her appearance, that you think she is good looking in that photo. Going around complimenting girls on their appearance, which can be taken as flirtatious. Secondly, her friends are online presumably. They see you liking all these other girls photos and it could make them doubt your relationship. Regardless of how secure your girlfriend is, how trusting, having her friends think you are that way is a crappy feeling. You want your friends to think highly of your partner.

You describe your action as harmless - yet it is causing harm. You know this. You are fully aware that is the problem. You just want her to 'deal with it'. That's not how relationships work - it's kinda in the meaning of the word.

Perhaps to her it starts with pictures then where does it end. Same wording, different meaning. Different perspective, her perspective. Two sides to every coin.

'Should she not realise she's being irrational?'

Pot calling the kettle black? Shouldn't you? We can all deem someone else's perspective irrational if we aren't willing or able to empathise with their position. You think her asking you to not like girls photos, something you have yourself stated means nothing to you, will explode into her having you handcuffed to a bedpost with no wifi and wearing a tinfoil hat. I exaggerate but the point stands.

"I love being in a relationship and I don't suit the single life myself at all. So long as while we are a couple we are still individual people"

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how relationships work. You say you don't suit the single life, yet want all the benefits of a partnership whilst being individual. Doesn't work. Won't work. It only gets worse over time (or better, again, perspective). Amusingly I couldn't quickly pull up studies to show how opinions become the same over time, attitudes, and personalities as I couldn't get the wording right.

http://www.livescience.com/8384-couples-start.html
http://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/11/science/long-married-couples-do-look-alike-study-finds.html

~ Clara

N.B. In fac there, I don't agree with all of this article, just a lot of the first half. I feel you may relate. Perhaps reading over this with your girlfriend might be useful, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201308/how-be-someone-still-be-yourself

The above site's research is always questionable, but some of the non-solution stuff is evidence based.

[Jamesk0050]

Over reaction

[Living For Love]

I can't see how her insecurities controlling my harmless actions is right. The point to me is it starts with pictures and then where does it end? Should she not realise she's being irrational? She didn't say anything about this for ages and we were perfect I thought I'd found somebody completely mature who understood that slight friendly attention towards friends does not retract from my attention towards her. As far as 'deeper issues with being in a relationship' is concerned, I love being in a relationship and I don't suit the single life myself at all. So long as while we are a couple we are still individual people with a reasonable say in the others actions that does not edge on irrational and controlling.
You've summed up the whole situation pretty well here, and I honestly agree with you. She is indeed insecure if she somehow feels threatened because of a simple "like" in social media. Does she also act like that when you, for instance, talk with your female friends? Does she get angry if a female kindly compliments or greets you? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you've talked with her about this issue and if she doesn't want to change, then I guess the best thing to do is breaking up. She's not ready for a relationship because she doesn't trust your word and wants you to change the way you act to please her.