Probably the worst so far

[Axw_JD]

I am a little scared right now... I have been cutting my arms with my own hands for a pretty long time now. It has been a big help on preventing complete breakdowns specially in public or around other people but it's starting to get completely out of hand and on top of it it isn't helping that much any more...

Last night I did the worst cuts I have done so far... I scratched up both of my arms enough that they were both bleeding, my right arm more so than my left. Took me 5 bandages to cover up the cuts and several minutes for the bleeding to stop and the problem is I am not feeling that great right now either, I am afraid I am gonna do it again and get the already open wounds completely infected. I can't afford medical help, and I have absolutely nobody to ask for help with it either... what can I do? I really want to die right now but I don't have the guts to do it either... I just feel trapped and with no way out, idk how to stop myself from further harming myself or from feeling like crap...

[Miserabilia]

That's really terrible for you, I'm sorry to hear about your cutting.
I don't really have any advice for you, besides hanging in and seeking comfort in something :)

[ksdnfkfr]

Are you sure there is no school counseling? That helped me a lot. They deal with it all the time. The only thing else that's helped me is running it out of my system, by running around the block until I was ready to collapse. One reason we cut is it releases pain soothing hormones called endorphins. Running hard releases them too and burns off stress and anxiety. Wish I could help more.

[myfoodisnotshared]

I am a little scared right now... I have been cutting my arms with my own hands for a pretty long time now. It has been a big help on preventing complete breakdowns specially in public or around other people but it's starting to get completely out of hand and on top of it it isn't helping that much any more...

Last night I did the worst cuts I have done so far... I scratched up both of my arms enough that they were both bleeding, my right arm more so than my left. Took me 5 bandages to cover up the cuts and several minutes for the bleeding to stop and the problem is I am not feeling that great right now either, I am afraid I am gonna do it again and get the already open wounds completely infected. I can't afford medical help, and I have absolutely nobody to ask for help with it either... what can I do? I really want to die right now but I don't have the guts to do it either... I just feel trapped and with no way out, idk how to stop myself from further harming myself or from feeling like crap...

Okay, inexpensive medical stuff first. Signs of infection are if it feels hot to the touch, redness, swelling, oozing or pus - watch out for these, but also keep washing with warm salt water and keep it covered. Google 'http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-Navel-Piercings' and go down to number 2 to find out how to prevent infection using the salt water. And if it does become infected, GO TO THE DOCTOR. This probably won't happen as you were hurting yourself with your hands - less dangerous than any old bit of metal or glass, but more bacteria than with sterilised sharp objects - but if it does... you can get really sick. Infections spread through the body, they're dangerous. So don't get an infection, but treat it if you do.

That's secondary though. What feels so familiar and so terrible to me is how you say you don't have control, that you're scared you'll do it again. If you let yourself, you will, and it might get worse, till you end up with permanent scars you can't ever hide. Please don't do that to yourself. It's not worth it, though I suppose you already know that.

Have you tried all the possible methods for stopping self harm? The red lines drawn on the skin, the paper clips if that sounds like your sort of thing... all of those are great support, then there's also trying to distract yourself with activities. I write on a private blog when I feel like cutting, I set out why I want to cut then I send it out onto the internet... it feels like you've made a promise with the people on this site, but without the loneliness of getting no replies. And then there's also exercise, meditation, watching films, reading, creative writing - anything that occupies your mind elsewhere. Try them, please, for me. Find something that works for you, something you can hold onto when you're near a break down - the rubber band sounds perfect there - but which won't hurt you.

Have you tried email or phone services like Samaritans, or other hotlines? They're not perfect, but they're there for you, and they care. Just don't let it fester, getting worse and worse, always reaching for the deeper cut that will make it feel like it did at the beginning - I'm not there and you aren't either, but neither of us should be or want to be. As you said, it's just screwy, and it gets out of hand so fast.

I hope your cuts are okay - and that you are too.