Song for Girlfriend

[ProudThread598]

For the past week or so, I've been drafting a song for my girlfriend. Clearly, it's a work in progress (I've only included the mostly finished lyrics), but it would be fancy if I could have some constructive criticism. Thanks!

VERSE 2:
I felt lost in the dark
The moon was a sliver in the sky
Then a beam of light breaks the night
I then saw it was you

I rubbed my eyes
Thinking it was a dream
Then I had a realization
It was really you

CHORUS (incomplete):
Bring me your light
Shine like a star, strong and bright
The water continues flowing
Like sand through your fingers

VERSE 3:
I've always imagined
A star-lit crisp night
The only sound out there
Is silence and stillness

We're out in the night
Laying down in the blackout
Fingers interlocked and staring at each other
Hoping this will never end

[brandon9]

I'm willing to give it a look, if you're up to it. I write songs as a hobby sometimes.

[ProudThread598]

Oh, shoot. I forgot to put the lyrics in xD




i'll do that now

[Devinsoccer]

ProudThread598. Where is verse 1? Overall good though.

[ProudThread598]

That isn't finished.

[Phosphene]

ProudThread598

I think she will like it :) in the verse that says "the only sound out there/is silence and stillness", I'd remove "and stillness". I think it's kind of redundant with both being there, and the shortened line will kind of drift off and sound mysterious which ties into your darkness theme.

[ProudThread598]

Thanks for the feedback.

[Microcosm]

ERCzN91JicA

Play this one for her.

-

Jokes aside, that's pretty good. Is there any instrumental that goes with it?

[ProudThread598]

Yes, there is. I will be doing a 4-string arpeggio for C, Am, F, G (at least that's what I have now). Here's an example of the chords although I will be picking individual strings:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih01x2kpXHY

[Microcosm]

Yes, there is. I will be doing a 4-string arpeggio for C, Am, F, G (at least that's what I have now). Here's an example of the chords although I will be picking individual strings:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih01x2kpXHY

Wow! I sang along to it while that played and it sounds great! Very well done. Whenever you finish it I'd love to hear more.

[Stronk Serb]

It's good. I remember when my ex was madly in love with me, she wrote poetry about me. The poetry was meh, but I felt special that someone would take their time and write poetry about me. You gave me an idea for my girlfriend, but I will do it in Russian because she is half-Russian.

[ProudThread598]

Thanks!