Numb and Emotionless

[Etcetera]

I feel numb, like I'm hurting and I know I'm upset but I don't know why I am upset and I don't know what emotion I am even experiencing. It's like I just can't identify what it is; whether it's anger, sadness, depression, or what.

I'm so upset I just want to cry, but it's like I can't even cry. I physically cannot cry, even if I wanted to just to get it out. I was fine, but then suddenly I wasn't and I'm so on edge that any and everything can make me upset, but I can't cry.

I don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling this way, but I hate it very much. :/

Sometimes I find myself sitting and just thinking. Thinking about how I want to do it. I couldn't decide. I've already attempted three times but sometimes I find myself sitting and thinking about it, just pondering. Do I want to take pills? Or do I just want to jump into a pool and not fight my way back up, just letting the air leave my lungs by itself, and it all being over.

All the crap, all the words, all the everything is just swarming around in my head and it wont go away, I can never escape from it. It's always there, haunting me.

[Etcetera]

Well, it's been a horrible past 12 or so hours. I almost relapsed last night, then I had a grand-mal which is my third one this month which also means they are probably going to do some more testing. :/ UGH.

Then today I started having them at school as usual. But I felt one coming on in math so my teacher was like you don't need a note, just go to the nurse. So I got up and left. So, I'm walking down the hallway and the principal of the freshmen (there's a BCA on the top floor which is Blue Comet Academy, they basically keep all the freshmen upstairs for their freshman year to help get adjusted to high school, and they have their own principal and counselor and stuff) but anyways, Mr M was walking down the hall and he's like "where you going?" (He already hates me for whatever reason.) So I said "nurse." He said "do you have a note" and I was like, "..no." And he said "then walk back and get one." I tried to talk and then my speech went weird and I was like oh gosh I'm gonna fall out any second. I finally was able to say "I have epilepsy, I don't have to have a note, they just send me. I'm about to have a seizure." So then I continued walking because it's not my idea of fun to have a seizure with only an idiot to take care of me. "I don't care where you're going, go back and get a note." then he asked me what class I was in and what teacher. I said "whatever" and turned back around to go get a note. As I was walking away, he goes "well, are you okay?" And I'm like "not really, but what does that matter." And he didn't say anything so I kept going. You would think someone would put two and two together to figure stuff out. He's freaking stupid, and why he was concerned with me when I'm not a freshman, I don't even know. But he hates me anyway. He's yelled at me before while I was having a seizure because I wasn't responding to him.

Needless to say I did have a seizure, as I predicted, and I feel like I've been hit by a freaking truck. Still having the small ones too but I refuse to go home.

I hate my life, and everything that it involves.

[Miserabilia]

Don't hate life, hate the things that keep you from loving it :)
Hope you get through

[Etcetera]

Day 52 clean

Had a panic attack at school today. Not even sure what caused it, it just happened. All the sudden my heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I thought it was an asthma attack at first but now I know it wasn't. Then I had several partial seizures back to back in band. Today's been quite interesting.