Why did he leave me? I can't cope? Help?

[Lost15]

I am gay I guess everyone always thinks I'm gay. But I'm not out about it at all. I still have tried to ask a girl out I get rejected. They think I'm gay and I guess I am. I really dont know how to cope with this whole issue. I had a boyfriend. But it was completely closeted. His mom didnt know but she didnt like me around she'd call me a faggot and didn't want me there because she said I had aids. She's a terrible mess because she was so ignorant and hateful. I think it contributed to everything. My boyfriend and I had a strong bond a connection I loved him so badly I'd have done anything for him. It was a struggle hough with him. He was always uncomfortable being gay because of how he was raised to think gay people were pedophilic monsters sick human beings that need medication. We were happy together but I can't help but feel like I caused his fate. He texted me for the last time that he felt he was hurting me more than anything and how everything he ever touched got fucked up and how without him I could be normal no one had to know that I didnt need him and that he needed to do what was best for everyone involved and he felt he was the root of all problems. I texted him back with no reply back. Come to find he committed suicide. I couldn't even tell him how much he meant to Me or how much I really need him how much he really did matter. I dont get why no one would miss him I hardly think anyone would care about our relationship besides pur parents and a few bullshitters. But I keep thinking of the last time I saw him if I had just seen that it was bothering more than dual maybe I wouldn't be talkib about how I can't cope with not having him around. With the agony of what he went through. I can't talk about it because we were both closeted and no one knew our relationship. Advice?

[Just JT]

I'm really sorry for your loss bro. Death is a horrible thing I know. Hard to deal with. We all have our regrets, if I shoulda coulda woulda done this or that. It's not your fault so don't beat yourself up over it. He didn't it, obviously to please the people in him slide who would disapprove of who he is. And that sucks

Just hold close to heart all those great moments and times you guys had together. Never forget them. Make a journal of them, every detail. So you never forget. That way you can always go back and read about them and remember all the good times you guys had together. And forget the bad ones, those aren't worth remembering.

[Lost15]

I'm really sorry for your loss bro. Death is a horrible thing I know. Hard to deal with. We all have our regrets, if I shoulda coulda woulda done this or that. It's not your fault so don't beat yourself up over it. He didn't it, obviously to please the people in him slide who would disapprove of who he is. And that sucks

Just hold close to heart all those great moments and times you guys had together. Never forget them. Make a journal of them, every detail. So you never forget. That way you can always go back and read about them and remember all the good times you guys had together. And forget the bad ones, those aren't worth remembering.

Its not like anyone would find out so I dont get why he decided this. Like I feel like at fault for it.

[Anniebanannie]

There's no way you can be at fault. There may even be other factors that you don't know about. But I know that this hurts you badly. Let yourself mourn.

[Just JT]

I get the guilt thing. I really do. Pretty typical thing to feel tbh

You don't know me but I'll share this with you and who ever reads this here. Couple years ago on New Year's Eve my dad went out with some friends. I didn't want him to go. I begged him. We were on vacation. All I had to do was hide the car keys. But I didn't. He drove and he never came home again. He hit a tree and was killed. Talk about guilt I know. If I only hid his keys, if I tosses them in the snowbank, he never would of drove. But I didn't.

But in the end and it took a long time but I've realized he made his choices for what ever reason he did. And as shitty as they were he made them and it's his loss. Mine to, but also his. And I can't change that now or then.

Yiur friend....he had his reason, and you will probably never know what they all are. But know there's nothing to feel guilt over. You did nothing wrong, nothing more you shoulda coulda woulda done. It's all him.

I know that won't make the pain of him leaving you go away. That just takes time to. Lots of time. Years. But know it's not your fault. Cause it's not your fault. It's his fault. Just accept that and try to move on.

Sounds cold I know. I'm sorry. Just don't know how else to say it. So write that journal. It's more than just holding onto those good memories. It's a way or sorting things out in your head. And it helps

[ska8er]

Its not like anyone would find out so I dont get why he decided this. Like I feel like at fault for it.

Sorry hearing that u had to go through something
like this. It seems and u know most of it is that he was
having more problems than u probably know of at home.
Sure he took the wrong way out and it is very bad that he
had to put u through this. It put a guilt trip on all of u that
knew him but it was Not ur fault. It is best to try and get
ur mind off of things. Start doing something for others and
in doing so things will try to heal.