Friend has me confused

[kingsman1]

Hi guys, this is my first time posting here. It's probably going to be a long post so I apologize in advance :)

I have a crush on my friend. We're in the same class and are generally pretty good friends. My problem is he sends me mixed messages and I really don't know how he fells about me.

First of all, I have no idea whether he is gay or not. About a year ago, he became friends with a gay boy from my school and possibly went on a date with him (that's what people that know him say at least). During this period, my friend and I were working on a film for school (he was writing the script). The main character of the film was gay (that was his suggestion). Everything was fine at that time. One day, he comes to school acting really strange and tells me he doesn't want to do the film anymore ('I don't want to be so close to gays', he said). He stops hanging out with his friend (from the beginning of the story) and turns ultra-religious. Once an open-minded liberal, he is now very conservative, homophobic and xenophobic. He has been this way ever since. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religion (I'm religious myself), but he is just to extreme (I have many religious friends, none of them like this).

How did this happen? I don't know. My guess is it has to do something with his parents (they are religious, too) and his gay 'friend'. Maybe his parents found out? The things is, no one from my class believes his faith is genuine and they all think he is gay.

The thing that has me confused is the way he acts around me. I lost count of the times he hugged me, placed his head on my shoulder... One time he even wrapped his scarf around us and pulled me as close as he could. To be fair, friends can do this without being in love, and he does some of these things with other people, but not as much as with me.

But one thing had me baffled. About a month ago, our class went on a trip. Him and I sat together on the bus. During the night, we all went to sleep (naturally :lol:). We were trying to find the best position to sleep and tried quite a few. First, he put his head on my lap and slept that way. Suddenly, he started stroking my arm and then my thigh. I pretended I was asleep, because I didn't want to make things weird for him :P. Some time later, we changed our position so that he was now hugging me (it's hard to explain, but this isn't even the point of the story). A few times, he put his head really close to mine and hugged me really really tight, all half-asleep. TBH, having a crush on him, I loved this moments. He, apparently, didn't, as he barely spoke a few words with me the next few days.

Like I said, I am completely confused. I don't know what happened to him, whether he has feelings for me or not - and no way to check. I can't just ask him (being so religious, he would freak out). What's more, I don't even know if his faith is genuine or just a way to suppress his possible homosexuality. If he truly is gay and scared or confused, I want to help him. After all, I went through a lot myself.

So my question is: do you think there is something between us and is it even worth it? Or should I just forget it and let him deal with his problems? And what in the world could have caused his sudden religiousness?

[Emilyyy]

It actually sounds like your friend is maybe confused himself about his sexuality. You mentioned his parents are quite religious and stuff, maybe he feels like he's gay but is scared of how his parents might react so he's trying to appear straight, maybe trying to convince himself he's straight. With all the stuff that happened on the bus it seems he maybe has some feelings he's trying to work out but knows if he was just out about them it would cause issues with his family or some friends.

[mick01]

I'm assuming you are gay or bi. If so, does your friend know that? I agree that he is probably confused about his sexuality and may be using religion as a way of denying his feelings. Though it sounds like he could be into you, I don't think he's ready to go anywhere with his feelings. My only advice is for you to make it clear that you'll be his friend no matter what and he can talk to you about anything. And after that, just be his friend without trying to start a relationship. That would be too much pressure on him.

[ska8er]

I think he is confused and questioning his own
sexuality cause the way he reversed himself
but I do think that he likes u. Don't let this
confuse U- just continue to b friends with him
and this way u may b able to help him deal with
whatever he is going through.

[Trevor.]

Hi guys, this is my first time posting here. It's probably going to be a long post so I apologize in advance :)

I have a crush on my friend. We're in the same class and are generally pretty good friends. My problem is he sends me mixed messages and I really don't know how he fells about me.

First of all, I have no idea whether he is gay or not. About a year ago, he became friends with a gay boy from my school and possibly went on a date with him (that's what people that know him say at least). During this period, my friend and I were working on a film for school (he was writing the script). The main character of the film was gay (that was his suggestion). Everything was fine at that time. One day, he comes to school acting really strange and tells me he doesn't want to do the film anymore ('I don't want to be so close to gays', he said). He stops hanging out with his friend (from the beginning of the story) and turns ultra-religious. Once an open-minded liberal, he is now very conservative, homophobic and xenophobic. He has been this way ever since. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religion (I'm religious myself), but he is just to extreme (I have many religious friends, none of them like this).

How did this happen? I don't know. My guess is it has to do something with his parents (they are religious, too) and his gay 'friend'. Maybe his parents found out? The things is, no one from my class believes his faith is genuine and they all think he is gay.

The thing that has me confused is the way he acts around me. I lost count of the times he hugged me, placed his head on my shoulder... One time he even wrapped his scarf around us and pulled me as close as he could. To be fair, friends can do this without being in love, and he does some of these things with other people, but not as much as with me.

But one thing had me baffled. About a month ago, our class went on a trip. Him and I sat together on the bus. During the night, we all went to sleep (naturally :lol:). We were trying to find the best position to sleep and tried quite a few. First, he put his head on my lap and slept that way. Suddenly, he started stroking my arm and then my thigh. I pretended I was asleep, because I didn't want to make things weird for him :P. Some time later, we changed our position so that he was now hugging me (it's hard to explain, but this isn't even the point of the story). A few times, he put his head really close to mine and hugged me really really tight, all half-asleep. TBH, having a crush on him, I loved this moments. He, apparently, didn't, as he barely spoke a few words with me the next few days.

Like I said, I am completely confused. I don't know what happened to him, whether he has feelings for me or not - and no way to check. I can't just ask him (being so religious, he would freak out). What's more, I don't even know if his faith is genuine or just a way to suppress his possible homosexuality. If he truly is gay and scared or confused, I want to help him. After all, I went through a lot myself.

So my question is: do you think there is something between us and is it even worth it? Or should I just forget it and let him deal with his problems? And what in the world could have caused his sudden religiousness?

I think your friend is a bisexual or just a straight guy people think is gay. Him feeling awkward about hugging you and stuff Is really natural. He might be really religious now b/c something life changing happened or he has family issues. I think he really needs a friend right now and you should do what ever he need to help him. He may actually like you :) Good luck.

[kingsman1]

Thanks everyone :D

I'm assuming you are gay or bi. If so, does your friend know that?

I'm gay, but I haven't told him yet since I don't know how he would react:(


As for the rest, I would be totally fine if he isn't into me (I can get over a simple crush:P), I just want to help him. The problem is, I don't know how to approach him and I know he would never talk to me (or anyone for that matter) about this.

[Emilyyy]

Thanks everyone :D

As for the rest, I would be totally fine if he isn't into me (I can get over a simple crush:P), I just want to help him. The problem is, I don't know how to approach him and I know he would never talk to me (or anyone for that matter) about this.

You can only really help him when and if he's ready to be helped, I wouldn't try and force him into talking about anything he's not ready to talk about yet

[Living For Love]

His religiousness does sound kind of fake, especially in the way you described, as he seems to have the need to tell other people his sudden change and his now conservative views. Do not challenge his faith though, or question it in front of him.

As for the crush part, I think he's confused, and as other people have stated, I think it's better if you just tell him he can talk to you about anything he's having trouble with. You're not his boyfriend, but you're his friend, so you still should offer you help and let him decide if he wants to accept it or not.

[jamie_n5]

Well there are many possibilities here. One he may have had a bad experience with his gay friend. Like something went wrong between them. Two is probably more apt to be that his parents found out about his friend being gay and got all religious about it and chastised him for being around someone gay. This makes more sense to me because of the way he acted with the total turn around being anti gay and religious.
Okay now as far as your trip and sleeping. I would definitely say he loves you and wants you. He may have gotten upset with you because you didn't respond to his advances he made with you. It is pretty easy to tell if someone is faking to be asleep. I think that you should talk to him and apologize for not responding to him and tell him the truth that you were worried that he would be embarrassed if you would have. Tell him that you love him and wanted to respond so bad but again didn't want to upset him. I can tell you if someone is stroking your thigh it is pretty obvious to me what their intentions are. I hope things work out for you.

[kingsman1]

Happy new year, everybody!:D:D

You can only really help him when and if he's ready to be helped, I wouldn't try and force him into talking about anything he's not ready to talk about yet

You're not his boyfriend, but you're his friend, so you still should offer you help and let him decide if he wants to accept it or not.

I will definitely do that. Taking it slow, of course:)

Well there are many possibilities here. One he may have had a bad experience with his gay friend. Like something went wrong between them. Two is probably more apt to be that his parents found out about his friend being gay and got all religious about it and chastised him for being around someone gay. This makes more sense to me because of the way he acted with the total turn around being anti gay and religious.

I'll try to talk to him about this (well, about homosexuality in general), just need to wait for him to start the conversation. Like I said, I don't want to scare him off.:whoops:

Tell him that you love him and wanted to respond so bad but again didn't want to upset him. I can tell you if someone is stroking your thigh it is pretty obvious to me what their intentions are. I hope things work out for you.

Yeah, I'm kinda scared to do that:P I don't mind him not being my boyfriend, I just don't want to lose a friend. Now, we were actually thinking about moving in together (we're starting college soon) so my policy is sort of "If it happens, it happens". I don't know if it's a good idea, though.

[Just JT]

There's no easy path backmto what seemed like the beginning of a strong close friendship, where ever that was going. My sense is that you miss his friendship as well as a crush....both. I don't think the closeness you had is weird or wrong or anything other than 2 close friends being together and feeling good about it

I'd justbtry and be his friend but not be pushy about it. Maybe invite him to do something like a movie together and try to get back to being close enough to talk about it more. But not before. If he's confused or curious conversation before he completely trusts you will just push him away regardless of his feelings

Good luck, let us know. It's not to often guys can/do have a close friendship regardless of being sexual or not. But that is more fun.