What's the right thing to do?

[Equinox1]

I'm in high school and I'm having a massive moral dilemma. I hope I don't come off as insensitive in any way but I have to be honest here, I tried to use the nicest language possible because my intent wasn't to offend. So, there's a kid in my grade who's had a huge almost-obsessive crush on me for almost two years. I've never really minded except this year it's gotten a lot more noticeable and maybe intense. He has autism and I guess he's high-functioning, if high-functioning means no co-existing intellectual disability (according to most definitions, it does). The only way I knew that he wasn't intellectually disabled is because he is awesome at math and science and can memorize it all without taking notes. Otherwise, I think he functions at the level of an 8-10 year old. His speech can be a little hard to understand, his handwriting is hard to read and his spelling isn't great. He's very hyperactive and easily upset but not violent or anything, he did have a meltdown when a girl stole his sketchbook but she did that intentionally to upset him. He just doesn't understand somethings very well, like stranger danger and road safety, he's almost been hit by cars about six times from playing on the road. Anyway, when I told my mom that he liked me, she got all excited. She thinks I should date him and keeps telling me that I should ask him out or that he should ask me out.

I do love him because he's probably the nicest person ever but I don't know if I love him in that way. I always thought of him as more of a brother than a potential boyfriend. I already had a crush on a girl but since she thinks that homosexuality is wrong and has a boyfriend, we couldn't ever date anyway. My mom said that I should just date him anyway because he likes me so much and I should just do it to be nice. I wouldn't mind going on a date but I feel like maybe it isn't right? I feel kind of bad about just casually dating people and because it feels wrong to me in general? I feel like there's a sort of power imbalance here and maybe it's as bad as dating someone who's actually around 8-10 years old. But my mom is really guilt-tripping me, my emotions are all mixed up and I don't know what's right.

What's the right thing to do?

[bentheplayer]

If you think of him as a brother rather than potential bf then you shouldn't date him. Why do something that you aren't comfortable with? I feel that it is wrong for your mum to guilt-trip you as even if you do date him it is unlike for it to last long. Depending on what ur mum is like, try telling her how you truly feel about him. I too agree that casual dating isn't ideal.

[Microcosm]

Equinox1,

For the record, dating someone "just to be nice" is ultimately just a kick to the balls. They will find out eventually that you're just dating them out of pity and that will probably make them feel like crap afterwards.

If he's clearly frustrated that you don't like him like that, the best thing to do is just sympathize. Tell him he's a great person, but that you two aren't compatible romantically. If he has a hard time understanding, then he'll probably have to think about it overnight before he starts to understand and if he still doesn't, then maybe tell him again. I'm not really sure what to tell you here, but it's definitely not your fault that he's hurting.

In my opinion, being a guy, having a girl that you really love tell you she doesn't like you that way is an important part of development for a few reasons:
- It makes it clear that the girl has the right to make her own decision.
- It helps you realize that just because a girl doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you aren't worth it to some other girl.
- It helps you realize that girls aren't the end-all-be-all of your existence.

[Anniebanannie]

I think you're being very sensitive about this. Your mom is asking you to be nice but like the others here have said, it isn't a good reason to date someone in the long run. Especially because your friend is weak on the social side of things, his crush on you may be a bigger thing that you should be handling yourself. Would it make sense to talk to a teacher or school counselor about him?

[Phosphene]

If you consider him a brother, I would say don't try to date him. That, plus doing it just to be nice, is a recipe for a relationship that will only go downhill. Be honest with him in the nicest possible way, and don't let your mom guilt you into something that will make you uncomfortable.

[ClaraWho]

I honestly don't feel you need a response to this. The way you are thinking about the entire situation is not only right, but one of the most mature posts I have read on here in a long time. I like the way you think, you should trust your gut on this one.

~ Clara

[jamie_n5]

I think you have to decide on your own what to do. Your mom isn't the one that will date him or anyone you choose to date you are. If you look at him as kind of a brother figure and like that type of relationship then do that. If you love him and are attracted to him in a way that would be that you want to date then date him. I think he is probably more mature than you think. If you dated then you could help build up his people skills by talking and doing things together and showing him things and ways to better interact with others. To sum it up. Just follow your heart and I think you already know how you feel. You have no moral obligation in this at all. You do what you feel and that will be the right thing for you.

[ska8er]

U said u love him and admire him-he probably
looks up to u. What does he do that makes u think
that he has a big crush on u? Since he has some
problems I would not lead him on in any way but
don't avoid him. I agree with the above posters-
treat him as a Bro and tell him that.

[everlong]

Don't date him just to be nice, that's leading him on and would be worse than not dating him. I say if you really feel attracted for him, and you're willing to give a relationship with someone like him a shot, go for it. If not, I'd try and avoid the idea, no matter what you mom says.

[Just JT]

You've got some great advise from some strong contributors from this forum. The answer seems clear but is also a hard one to. It's good to like or love people as a sibling, that's what makes close friends. And as time goes on his crush will change some what I'm sure

Way I see it is you do nothing and go on with life as if nothing's different, cause nothing's happened and no need to do anything.

Or, you sit down with him 1:1 and have a heart to heart and let him know how you feel about him in a very nice kind gentle loving way.

That's up to you. Not an easy choice, can almost see how both options will end up as you know him and we don't. Both having pretty much the same outcome in the end. The difference is what happens between now and then.

[Uniquemind]

As it was explained to me and as I'll pass this advice to you:

The concept of love and affection and the communication of it to others takes many different forms, they are equal in importance and personal meaning, but have niche utility and application and implementation, and like air or moving water, they flow, at times more gracefully than other times where they can blow or flow harder.

In my opinion and experience it is hard for the female gender to feel romantic attraction to any partner we cannot see as an equal or even in some cases as a trait "leader". I suspect that in most cases the role of nurturer or protector comes into play toward suitors whom are perceived as "immature", and so a compassionate motherly or sisterly emotion is invoked. But the subject of any sisterly-motherly affection is mutually exclusive to being the subject of sexually-romantic attraction.

Those with learning-social disabilities/challenges might fall in a weird grey area where they themselves feel puberty's urges, but lack the reciprocal emotive faculties necessary handle the equality needed to maintain or even start a romantic interest.


I think your mom is coming from a "what does it hurt?" perspective because to her, it's like why not give him a sweet-nurturing experience when in 10-15 years time probability states you'll be able to move on with your life just fine. It's implied she doesn't expect you to marry him, and perhaps she's vicariously fixing her own past-flaws of her own teenage years through you as well, again that last past is a stretch but I know of cases where it's happened.


I would tell your mom exactly what worries you about "stringing him along" if you accepted a date.

I was in a similar situation with a younger boy I babysat, but I compromised with myself by knowing certain boundaries I as an authority figure would not cross, but I also let him enjoy whatever fantasy crush he had, and did not deliberately burst his bubble. I let time and distance burst that bubble and as for me I just move on with life.

That's the best scenario I can offer here.


The bigger self-discovery is intra-personal and understanding what triggers the romantic-attraction, in yourself toward others, and also recognizing the motherly-protective kind of love and affection.

For me, it took a couple months of deep meditation for me to define both, because I discovered to a certain extent they overlap like a Venn diagram, but they are distinctly different.

It might be different for you, but for me I look for a kind but ambitious personality, albeit not cruel, personality, and a strong emotional core that can provide me with a sense of care and security and comfort. The comfort aspect traces back to my psychological infancy, which is a mental space where trust can be established and from there a romantic-sexual relationship has the chance of forming.

But if I'm the one providing all the nurturing and care and safety, it triggers a empathetic sort of love and affection, that's in a more giving mode, than a reciprocal one. In this scenario I can't form a romantic attraction.

Again you might have some similarities with what I experience and discovered, so take from this what you will. But again I hope this alleviates and lessens the guilt trips your mom is causing in you. You now have a response to tell her which will to her ears be quite mature in terms of psychological introspectional depth.


If you find that my advice explained any mental mysteries your struggling with now. Please let me know I'd like to know my advice is helpful from time to time.

[dude_g]

Just be good friends tbh

[Bob billy]

If you love him, date him